Kiara the Brave

In this animated adventure unrelated to the feature film Brave, Princess Kiara is determined to save her father, King Maximus, who's been kidnapped by his power-hungry brother. With a friend in tow, fearless Kiara sets off on an epic quest.

See? See, it says so right in the description. Totally unrelated. Don’t know why you thought this might be related to this last summer’s blockbuster. What’s wrong with you? Are you on drugs?

Esther: The Girl Who Became Queen

Netflix Synopsis: After she is chosen to be queen, young Esther has to intervene on behalf of her people when her husband, the king, is tricked into having them all sent away to the Island of Perpetual Tickling, in this episode based on the Biblical book of Esther.

What’s that, a Biblical story with a female protaganist? I can’t imagine what could go wrong here! Yeah sure, I’ll do another VeggieTales. Mainly because that goddamn tomato isn’t on the cover. I hate that sanctimonious dick. Plus, I’m lazy this week, and I’d rather pad than do nothing at all like I have done every other week.

Legend of the Sea

NetFlix Synopsis: Prince Draco must evolve into a Dragon King in order to protect his kingdom from the evil octopus Ocho -- who has recently been freed from captivity and is seeking revenge -- in this animated adventure film starring Rob Schneider.

STOP! Just…just stop. Way to try and bury the bad news, synopsis. At least the cover warns you up front.

Space Dogs

Netflix Synopsis: This animated treat follows pampered dog Belka, who is the star of a Moscow circus in the 1950s. When she gets lost, she's befriended by a feisty stray named Strelka, who joins her on an adventure that leads into outer space.

Ho ho what a wacky adventure! Dogs being shot into space by the Russian space program! That wasn’t a supersad story! Not every single animal that was shot into space died horribly!

Bands on the Run

The Rubber Band movie? Well…I guess there had to be one….

Netflix Syposis: Bursting with perky pop music and wacky rubber band-based characters, this animated feature inspired by a nationwide craze for rubber band bracelets tells the story of five highly elastic characters who fall off a truck and into their own adventure.

Oh right, that rubber band bracelet craze that ended a good five years before this movie was released, yeah, I remember that. Also, exactly how many adventures start with someone falling off a truck? We need to stop going back to that well.

Race

Netflix Synopsis: This fast-paced animated film tells a story set far in the future, when the interplanetary Alliance staves off threats of war by establishing the Star Car 5000 race, thereby allowing potential enemies to act out their aggressions on the racecourse. The drivers become celebrities revered everywhere, but ruthlessness rules and the stakes grow ever higher. Determined to win, Team Earth seeks to outmaneuver their bitter rivals and keep the peace.

Because the Olympics has been very effective at staving off war in the real world. Here’s hoping this is just 90 minutes of pod racing.

Peter and the Wolf

I want to watch something that is supposed to be good, and also that is very short. So…this one won an Oscar. Not nominated, like that absurd pile Gulliver’s Travel. Here’s Peter and the Wolf. Get your clarinet ready.

Netflix Synopsis: When a wolf threatens the safety of a tiny Russian village, young outcast Peter -- whose only friend is a duck -- becomes an unlikely hero in this masterful, dialogue-free adventure set to Sergei Prokofiev's classic 1936 score. Filmmaker Suzie Templeton transplants the action of the classic folktale to contemporary Russia, which she illustrates with beguiling stop-motion animation. The film won the 2008 Oscar for Best Animated Short.

Beguiling? I have not seen the word beguiling outside the context of Magic: The Gathering. Who still says that? Also, yah no dialogue, I can talk through the whole thing!

what's UP balloon to the rescue!

Netflix Synopsis: Using the powers of a magical stone he discovered, Dr. Crumb transforms his house into a hot-air balloon so that he and his heroic -- and brainy -- companions can pursue monsters in this enchanting animated feature.

What’s up? A copyright infringement lawsuit? Ah dang. Also, here’s hoping this isn’t one of those fake out CGI covers that’s actually a lazy Flash cartoon. Also, over/under on the plot including a talking dog?

Zodiac: The Race Begins

Netflix Synopsis: After Buddha gives the Jade Emperor the task of ruling the Earth, the emperor must find a way to help humans avoid chaos by learning to tell time. He stages a race among the animals, with the 12 winners becoming the symbols of the zodiac.

The humans don’t know how to tell time? Also, if there’s a race to determine who gets to be in the Chinese zodiac, how the hell did the rooster get on there? ROOSTER! They move at, what, 100 yards an hour? They can barely fly!

Also, I don't know where they got this cover from! None of the characters in the movie look like that.

Alpha and Omega

The beginning and the ending! That which is, which was, and which will be! I am the Almig…oh wait this is just a dumb movie about wolves.

Netflix Synopsis: When park rangers capture ambitious, head-of-the-pack wolf pup Kate and happy-go-lucky wolf pup Humphrey, the two wind up in a strange land hundreds of miles from home and must find their way back while battling bears, porcupines and each other.

What kind of park rangers have jurisdiction to transfer captured animals hundred of miles from their homes? That seems like the exact opposite of their duties. Also, we’re almost guaranteed to find out what two wolves kissing looks like.

The True Story of Puss In Boots

Please, I don’t know what Dreamworks told you. I don’t know what dumb extremely successful movie they came out with. This one has Kirk in it. You like Kirk, don’t you?

NetFlix Synopsis: This computer-animated version of the beloved children's story gives magical powers to the boots worn by Puss, whose owner is in love with the Princess. The clever cat is instrumental in helping the lad outwit the Princess's other determined suitors.

Garfield's Pet Force

I keep being completely amazed that the Garfield franchise keeps pooping stuff out. Garfield ceased being relevant in 1996, and yet here we are, with a computer animated show with this gormless, boring jerk. Over under on lasagna jokes? Six? We’ll keep count.

NetFlix Synopsis: When an alien menace and her army of undead minions threaten to enslave the world -- and worse, disrupt Garfield's cookout -- the courageous cat shakes off his lethargy and heads up a team of comic-strip superheroes to save the day. But when the going gets tough and his pals are imperiled by the otherworldly forces, will Garfield prove he's up to the challenge -- or is it too late for the well-fed feline to change his slothful stripes?

Aliens and zombies? Can we not do zombies? I’m kinda done with goddamn zombies.

Spirit of the Forest

Netflix Synopsis: Wicked landowner Mrs. D'Abondo (voiced by Anjelica Huston) can't see the friendly trees for the fearsome forest that stands in the path of a proposed highway, so when she pulls out the chain saw, it's up to gophers Furi (Sean Astin) and Linda (María Adánez) to jam the works. In this animated comedy, Tiger the Free Cat, Huhu and all the other critters go on the sniff for the mighty Spirit that can save them.

Did you know that Anjelica Huston’s first role was as a hand model in the dopey James Bond parody Casino Royale? I know, that sounds completely unbelievable. Oh, and there is someone called Tiger the Free Cat, which will be my name if I ever go insane and attend a furry convention. You guys ready for some blatant environmentalism?

Gnomeo and Juliet

Hope you like gnome puns!

Netflix Synopsis: This animated family comedy transports Shakespeare's classic tale of forbidden romance between two star-crossed lovers from warring families to the unlikely and irreverent world of garden gnomes.

Because if this story can handle conversion to the streets of New York and into outer space, surely it can handle be transported to your own front yard! And nobody wants new Elton John music!

Goat Story

Netflix Synopsis: A country boy named Jemmy, and his friend Goat, move to the big city to experience life to the fullest. Trouble ensues when Katy, a streetwise girl, falls in love with Jemmy, making Goat the unwilling third wheel and setting the town into chaos

The goat is named Goat? That’s racist. Also of note, this movie is rated PG-13, due to sensuality and nudity. Which means we will get to see some computer-generated boobs. You excited? Pervert.

Donkey X

….SPAIN. Of course I return to the regular CGI feature with one of the cheapest looking things I’ve ever seen. Even before I started considering watching movies for snarky reasons, I have been offended by how derivative this looks. Not only does that Donkey look remarkably like another donkey we’ve probably seen before (Shrek), but this movie itself was ripped off by Goat Story, which has a cover exactly like it. It’s like a matryoshka doll of suck. (And yes, Goat Story is next week.)

Netflix Synopsis: Don Quixote's (voiced by José Luis Gil) true story is revealed through the legendary donkey of Castile: Rucio (Luis Posada), who is owned by Sancho Panza (Andreu Buenafuente). Mischief, acts of bravery and adventure abound when Rucio and Don Quixote challenge the Half Moon Knight. Meanwhile, a desire for the stunningly gorgeous Dulcinea (Sonia Ferrer) is revealed. Miguel de Cervantes's classic tale gets the animated treatment.

None of that is even slightly funny! Let’s get on with it!

The Prince and the Pauper: Double Trouble

Just…just look at that. Look at it. Look at that thing.

Netflix Synopsis: When poor beggar Tom Canty and Prince Edward of England meet, they're shocked to find they look exactly alike. The two boys decide to have a little fun and switch places, but the plan backfires in a big way.

Yes Virginia

Netflix Synopsis: Set in 1897, this animated holiday tale follows the efforts of plucky, 8-year-old Virginia as she crisscrosses New York City to discover whether there really is a Santa Claus. Her answer comes from an unlikely source -- a crusty newspaper editor.

Well that’s not a nice thing to say about the newspaper editor! It’s not his fault his profession isn’t glamorized by the public, it’s still very important, especially 100 years ago, when newspapers mattered. Also, what’s the over-under on another Macy’s plug?

Gotta Catch Santa Claus

Netflix Synopsis: Trevor is a true believer in the holiday spirit, so his skeptical best friend, Veronica, challenges him to track down Santa and show the world proof that he's real! William Shatner stars as the voice of Santa in this animated family adventure.

Really? William…Shatner will play…the role of…Santa Claus? Okay, there, got that out of my system. Also, Veronica sounds like a great friend. “Go on, track down and capture the very entity that almost everyone above the age of 12 knows doesn’t exist! I will crush your spirit!”

The Alpha-Bots Christmas

Netflix Synopsis: Tiny tots will enjoy this lively animated film about 26 flying robots who prematurely pop out of their holiday gift wrapping to frolic about -- and thereby possibly ruin Santa's Christmas surprise for everyone. As they whiz through the air, these fun-loving droids introduce young viewers to the letters of the alphabet and also teach them valuable life lessons, such as the benefits of following instructions.

Because that’s what I want to learn about during the holidays: blindly following instructions. Also, do any of these robots look like letters to you?