Monday, January 20, 2014

Touch - Episode 1:"Tales of the Red Thread"


AND WE’RE BACK. So anyway, Kiefer Sutherland has a son, who can tell the future, but nobody knows or something? And it’s called Touch? Anyway, overly dramatic, mildly supernatural, this is how we do. We did. And we again!

0:10 Ah, this is how a crazy person talks. I’ve heard this before.

0:41 OH HEY RICH SOMMER! Oh no, just a guy with glasses.

1:27 (I’m whispering so you know that it is creepy.)

1:59 HAHAHAHA. Kiefer Sutherland as a stooge airport worker. Now this is ridiculous.

2:50 Can’t I just snapchat that photograph to you?

3:29 Kiefer Sutherland’s priorities are not straight! Maybe!

4:07 (Psst. Kiefer Sutherland’s character is scared of heights and works at a fucking airport. Just so you know)

4:33
I’M A LITTLE CONCERNED THAT WHAT APPEARS TO BE A STANDARD TELECOM STRUCTURE CAN GO UP LIKE A TORCH AT THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE OF RAIN?

5:26 Kiefer Sutherland cannot hear doors open, apparently.

5:51 318 is a significant number.

6:05 Oh of course this series is about 9-11 somehow.

6:25 Also a series of numbers, because that ended up really working out with Lost.

7:25 Hey it’s not-Rich Sommer again! And he’s recording karaoke, apparently.

8:57 This just in! We are in Dublin, Ireland. And something about cellphones.

9:45 There are cheaper ways to wallpaper your apartment, dude.

10:13 Ug. Buy your kid a spring mattress. Also, maybe limit the number of cellphones he seems to own.

11:36 Wait a minute, it’s like 3:19 in the morning? Why the hell is your 11-year-old son still awake?

12:10 MAYBE ASK HOW A SINGLE PHONE NUMBER IN CALLING YOU AT THE EXACT SAME TIME.

12:43 Nobody appreciates Chris Rock in Afghanistan.

14:05 Ah…Kiefer Sutherland is a single dad. For some reason.

15:02 AND………9-11 again.

15:48 It appears that according to this show, this kid literally does not make sound. Like, in fact incapable of making sound.

16:36 Also, why the hell would these numbers be listed outside of numerical order?

17:15 Hello, just calling you to let you know that I’m literally the only white person on this flight. I mean, it seems unlikely, but here I am.

18:21 Pink koala bears. Somehow significant to the plot.

19:09
Don’t you see? I need you to understand that numbers are real!

20:18 Preferably one that doesn’t include a dozen stolen cell phones.

21:11 HAHAHA, terrorism sure is funny.

21:32 Wait, THOSE GUYS weren’t terrorists? How many terrorists are there is Afghanistan?

22:48 Ah prostitution. Great. Hey. Got any more vices for us?

23:45
He’ll want to count the kernels before he eats, on account of him being the goddamn Rain Man, apparently.

24:47 Wait, they have graveyards in New York?

25:41 I like how they are covering up the year of September 11 as if we didn’t know exactly which year it happened.

26:35 So…in the translation from Japanese to English, they put an absolutely unnecessary “like” as if they were talking like teenage girls.

27:39 MEANWHILE! Kiefer Sutherland is bugging some weirdos he heard about on the Internet.

28:45 Fibonacci sequence is going to be a thing, by the way.

29:37 I LOVE that there is a cat in the room who is all like, “Yeah, fuck this guy and his crazy talk. Meow. Give me pets.”

30:30
This lady is literally spouting numbers. And then those numbers happen. This series is going to be mostly fucking numbers.

32:27 Wait wait wait. Kiefer has a flip phone?

32:55 BUT IT’S A SUNDAY!

33:41 In a stunning departure, Kiefer Sutherland is not sure where to go to find a dangerous thing in a public place.

34:52
Wait, when did this guy shave? We saw him gingerly trimming his beard earlier.

35:22 In other news, numbers are bullshit and you should totally not care about numbers.

37:32 In the Afghanistan plot, everything is terrible and boring.

38:02
Man, at least finish the terrible racist joke.

39:00 Oh good, more 9-11 stuff. Thanks for getting back to us right away, Fireman.

39:46 WAIT, REALLY?! So, this firefighter has been playing the exact same arbitrary numbers for ten years based on the assumption that it would eventually pay off? That's not premonition, that's just how odds work.

40:50 If only some main character hadn’t punched me in the face for no real reason.

41:42 Oh right, some nonsense involving that lost phone.

42:36 Wait, this guy has been searching for his phone for AN ENTIRE YEAR?! WHY? HOW?! Did it just NOT COME UP before now?

43:31 Meanwhile, in the Afghanistan plot, chickens.

44:14
OH NO! I really really don’t like this Afghanistan plot! Why is this phone here and why is he suddenly a suicide bomber?

45:09
Hey, ‘sup!

45:46 Frankly, I’m disgusted by the laziness of Al Qaeda for using repurposed and stolen phones for their terrorist plots. At least buy your own goddamn materials, jerks.

46:50
And who the fuck are these people?

47:20
Wait, it was literally that easy to get an oven from a restaurant supplier in Japan who ahs spent the last year trying to find his lost cell phone?

48:12 They were? I…I kinda missed that subplot.

48:52 HUGS!

49:34 CLICK! Welp, I’m going back to bed.

VERDICT: That was insane and disjointed. There were maybe five characters who were just there and given importance despite the fact that the main character was only tangentially related? Like, Kiefer was working on an entirely different plot and there was a prostitute and it was not connected in anyway whatsoever. Maybe a bit too high concept for a pilot? And why did they reference the Red Thread concept when it did not come up AT ALL.

All I’m saying is…this show appears to be hot garbage and I look forward to watching it in the upcoming weeks. Apparently this bullshit earned two seasons.

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