Infinity Inc. - Issue 2: “Luthor’s Monsters, Part 2”

Really now? Kid Empty? Why not just name him Baby Bad Guy? Also, Superman is coming to the rescue hurray.

LAST TIME: Everyone who participated in Luthor’s weird superhero program during 52 is now damaged as fuck, and going to therapy. They appear to be randomly manifesting superpowers, and one of them is going fucking crazy, and Steel’s niece apparently turned to fog. That’s pretty bad.

Infinity Inc. - Issue 1: Luthor’s Monsters, Part 1

I really liked 52, the DC megaseries in 2006 that explained what happened in the year that followed the Infinite Crisis when Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman just took a break for some reason. Mainly because it launched my favorite character into the role of the Most Important Person in the Multiverse, but also because pretty much every plot thread was solid and interesting and it managed to resolve all of them in a great way, while given a lot of attention to a bunch of characters who nobody ever talks about, like the Metal Men and Ralph Dibny (RIP).

In fact, the only plot that I only cared about because Steel was tangentially involved was….this one. Lex Luthor gave a bunch of assholes superpowers and apparently bought the rights to a superhero team name (?) and then a bunch of bullshit happened that eventually ended with Steel just committing breaking and entering to stop Lex Luthor’s plans, whatever those were. Whatever, at least Steel looked good. Let’s find out what happened in this miniseries.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer - Issue 5: "The Chain"

Oh no was Buffy Tom Cruise the whole time? Do people still get Mission: Impossible references?

LAST TIME: Buffy saves Willow from a dude with no skin, and also completely wrecks a military base. Oh, and apparently all of humanity has declared war on her. ALL OF IT.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Issue 4: "The Long Way Home Part 4"

Yeah, those are what those characters look like. Good job. Although I am not sure her thumb is exactly is the right spot. I don’t know, I’ve never held a person before.

LAST TIME: Willow shows up and stops the zombies by making them dance, apparently, and they capture Amy and wake up Buffy. However, it was a trap, and Amy captures Willow so she can be tortured by that guy she killed. Oh, and some minor character shows up and is pointless.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Issue 3: "The Long Way Home Part 3"

I am trying to focus on the non-sexy parts of this cover so…black fingernails, Willow? Really?

LAST TIME: The Slayer Castle gets attacked by zombies and Buffy is out-of-commission due to some Sleeping Beauty spell cast by Amy. A bunch of talking also happens, and then Willow shows up.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Issue 2: "The Long Way Home Part 2"

Yeah, I could look awesome too if I had an eye patch and a bitchin’ leather jacket. Which inexplicably has the logo for the comic on the sleeve. Is that going to be a thing? The logo being intergrated into the scene? Because that’s not that interesting.

LAST TIME: Buffy is still Buffy, doing what she do, Dawn is now 50-feet-tall for some reason, everyone is being pissy to each other, and Amy (remember Amy?) is now a bad guy, I guess. I don’t know! Buffy!

Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - Issue 1: "The Long Way Home Part 1"

This will be an unpopular decision. But, it’s time to take on an independent series, and I don’t have a ton of faith in the Buffy comic book, after everything I’ve heard about it. (Air sex, mainly.) Also, Faith, get it? Anyway, please don’t stab me for making fun of something that is mildly beloved.

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 4

So, apparently I really hate this book, because every time I think, "Oh, I should probably finish that last issue," I just...can't. I have been putting this crap off for a goddamn week. Sorry for the wait, here it is. Eat it in. More Transformers bullshit.

LAST TIME: Transformers bullshit.

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 3

Where are the childrens’ hand holding up these sweet action figures? And who is making the pew pew noises?

LAST TIME: The Transformers get the Avengers to calm their shit with some magical technology thing, and then they stand around for over 14 hours trying to tear down a wall. Eventually something happens and Iron Man shows up.

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 2

For some reason the cover artist was under the impression that Wolverine is actually a dog. Like a bulldog. Look at him, it's so cute.

LAST TIME: The Avengers were all huge dicks to each other, and then the Transformers showed up and were as awesome as possible, because of course Transformers are better than your stupid comic book heroes.

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 1

PFFFFFFF okay I will read this comic book where the Avengers meet the Transformers. I mean, what a novel concept in the 80’s. What’s that? This came out in 2008? When people should no longer care about Transformers? Well alright then.

In some corners of the nerd community, this cover appears above the caption “My Two Dads.”

The Search for Ray Palmer: "Superwoman/Batwoman"

It is unfortunate that DC only numbers their universes up to the number 52, because otherwise this would obviously be Earth-63! Haha, oh, obvious joke. You make my job so easy.

LAST TIME: In Soviet Russia, Superman tries to kill you! A lot of dumb stuff happened, and Batman exploded himself and wore a stupid hat, and then our team managed to escape despite there being no reason why they should have been able to. Anyway, it was dumb.

The Search for Ray Palmer - Red Son

I think they are overreacting to this street graffiti. I mean, it’s just Superman with a hammer and sickle on his chest, plus some really sloppy block lettering. When in Russia, guys.

LAST TIME: Our “heroes” go to the Gaslight universe, where everything is old-timey, and they participate in a little cosplay, and eventually one of them turns into a vampire, and they fix it somehow. It didn’t make a lot of sense, but the Blue Beetle showed up, and that’s all I care about.

The Search for Ray Palmer: Gotham by Gaslight

Oh look, more Godzilla Batman. Haven’t we had this cover already, giant Batman? And haven’t all of these so far been about Batman in some way? Midnighter (Wildstorm Batman) got the most play in the first issue, Issue 2 was all about the Jokester (Evil Batman’s arch-nemesis), and Issue 3 was all vampire Batman. Let’s stop talking about Batman, guys. Not all possible worlds have Batman.

LAST TIME: Our heroes are idiots and helped some poor guy get killed by vampire Batman, and then felt really bad about it without even acknowledging that it was all their fault. Also, vampire Batman.

The Search for Ray Palmer: Red Rain

Well this is a deliriously stupid cover. Serious, what in all hells is going on? We have this weird vampire Batman, while Green Lantern does Green Lantern shit and it just makes the whole thing look a special Christmas issue. These colors can’t mix like this, guys. I don’t care if they are opposing colors, they have a very specific place in the gestalt. The American consciousness immediately starts singing Jingle Bells when you do this.

LAST TIME: Some jackass named Jokester is kind of a superhero, opposing Owlman on Earth-3 in the goofiest and most pointless way possible. His life is stupid, but our heroes help his escape his dumb planet. Good for them.

The Search for Ray Palmer: Crime Society

Something seems off about the Joker. Is it the hair? Also, isn’t this supposed to be happening on an alternate Earth? None of these people look any different.

LAST TIME: Our heroes went to the Wildstorm universe and were just dicks to everyone. Also, a bunch of people we don’t know did some stuff that probably means something? I’m not sure.

The Search for Ray Palmer: Wildstorm

One thing I like about the DC universe is their whole 52 different universes bit that was brought back a few years ago, after all the universes were collapsed into one in Crisis on Infinite Earths. I know Marvel has it too, I guess, but DC gives it a lot more pomp. What I don’t like is how little they did with it after they reintroduced the multiverse; there were no books set in those universes before the reboot last year, and the only time anyone actually wandered those universes was…this book. Well, books. For some reason, each issue in the trade I have is Issue 1 of a series that never happened. Why weren’t they all one-shots? Who knows?

Anyway, this cover is stupid, because it has Grifter on it, and Grifter is stupid.

Son of Hulk - Issue 17 - "Fortunate Son"

Huh. You know, when I proclaimed revenge against this massive planet-eating deity, I thought he would be…smaller. I don’t now why I thought that. I’m pretty dumb.

LAST TIME: Everything explodes! Heads, airships, guns, probably a squirrel. Then Galactus shows up looking like a jerk and Hiro acts like a huge dick.

Son of Hulk - Issue 16: "Enemy at the Gates"

I too would be wary of someone with blood-soaked hands, Galactus. Your apprehension is appropriate.

LAST TIME: Everyone apparently excepts Hiro as a god, and he decides to be super dickish to everyone. The other two factions on the planet, the space Russians and the hot ladies, join forces with some traitor lady to try and kill him. It’ll probably go nowhere. Also, Galactus yelled at us.

Son of Hulk - Issue 15: "Dangerous Tribe"

Hey there’s the Hulk! Nice of him to make an appearance. Now let’s continue to read this story about some kid who doesn’t look at all like the Hulk, doesn’t have powers like the Hulk, and who we only know is related to the Hulk based on his hearsay.

LAST TIME: The Messiah lands on some planet and just starts killing everyone, and we’re not really told why. We also have no reason to care because everyone involved is a full Kevin Bacon removed from anyone interesting in the Marvel universe.