LAST TIME: The Transformers get the Avengers to calm their shit with some magical technology thing, and then they stand around for over 14 hours trying to tear down a wall. Eventually something happens and Iron Man shows up.
Page 1, Panel 1: Um…has Iron Man ever had a heart attack? I’m pretty sure his problem is that there’s goddamn scrapnel in his heart.
Page 2, Panel 3: Iron Man is against factory accidents, everyone.
Page 3, Panel 1: Apparently the letterer thought we wouldn't realize the laser beams were laser beams and added the same stupid sound effect to each one.
Page 4, Panel 2: Yeah, no crap, Prime. I mean, the fact that you never made a strategy might be part of it, but still. Get it together. Wolverine just got hit by another car.
Page 4, Panel 4: Goddamn it if Captain America is singing The Star-Spangled Banner…
Page 5, Panel 1: When did Captain America have time to run out and get a jet? Who cares?!
Page 5, Panel 3: Wolverine hates those fucking windows!
Page 6, Panel 4: The hell are you pointing at, Luke Cage? That jet that is barely in frame?
Page 7, Panel 5: Oh good, after three pages of talking about it, they are finally “in.”
Page 8, Panel 1: The hell does that mean? Please don’t drag your dumb subplots into this crossover.
Page 8, Panel 6: This car is a dick.
Page 9, Panel 1: Cage, there’s a passenger seat. Get in the car.
Page 9, Panel 5: “Works for me?” That’s actually a pretty common saying…nothing terribly human about it.
Page 10, Panel 1: ARRRG Someone is in here!
Page 12, Panel 2: There are zero Avengers in this panel, and therefore I do not goddamn care.
Page 14, Panel 1: Boy…counting down of power levels sure is dramatic. Also, how has he not won already? He has been firing laser beams for like ten solid minutes.
Page 14, Panel 3: Did Iron Man just swat that jet out of the sky this is so dumb.
Page 15, Panel 2: Just a couple of robots, talking about how much like robots they are.
Page 16, Panel 2: Ah, I see, so the new plan is shot them with a laser. Amazed you hadn’t thought of that before, Iron Man.
Page 17, Panel 1: Thanks talking airplane!
Page 18, Panel 1: How the hell did Dr. Doom get in there? Why is he working for the bad guys now?
Page 18, Panel 3: Every time I turn around, the Transformers are always talking about how the war they are in that has raged for literal millennia is coming to an end. Which makes me ask, why are there still Transformers?
Page 19, Panel 2: Quick, destroy that thing that we have been trying to destroy for literally half-a-day now with no success.
Page 19, Panel 3: What? You can’t leave Spider-Man to die! It’s Spider-Man!
Page 20, Panel 2: Really? Did Doom actually believe they would surrender? Dumb plan, Doom.
Page 20, Panel 4: As us stupid robots say, some dumb thing that is extremely similar to something humans say.
Page 21, Panel 2: Great plan, Megatron. Walk out of your invincible space bubble so you can be defeated in person. Good work.
Verdict: Ug this is dumb. Just fighting and stupid robot drama and all of the people I actually care about being goddamn useless. Of course Iron Man didn’t have enough power to defeat the Decepticons with the Autobots’ help. Of course Luke Cage, who has impenetrable skin, is easily overcome by a robot. And Spider-Man has spent the entire mini-series unconscious. Screw Transformers.
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