LAST TIME: The sheriff is haunted by a river ghost of that girl who died in front of him half a season ago. It gets really scary there until the ghost decides not to get vengeance on him for some reason. It’s not superclear why. Also, the succubus gets her boyfriend back for no reason. Hopefully they are never mentioned again.
0:13 That was like four scenes about the evil witch in the recap! Does that mean her subplot might finally get a payoff?! (Not likely.)
0:55 Woo, can’t sleep club!
1:19 Well, it was a nightmare, so a main character was asleep, so I’m technically counting it, so take a drink.
1:58 And John and Ginger and Fat Tom!
2:40 Hey what’s up, I’m still a character in this, apparently. You may have thought I was sent to jail but nope!
3:33 Is he planning to Bilbo Baggins everyone? Just say, “Fuck you all,” and disappear forever.
4:07 Oh, she’s going to turn him. Cool. Um…why are they waiting? Why isn’t he a vampire now?
4:43 Why does the sheriff have his arm around the owner here? Are they dating?
5:09 So, for this next scene, I want you to growl all your lines…
5:45 I still have no real opinion.
6:20 The fact that he’s going to be turned is literally the talk of the town! You’d think people would be more subtle about it!
7:11 Oh, just pulling down one of my creepy death masks for some nefarious purpose.
8:30 Why have normal people living in the Gates at all? Just make it all monsters. Don’t invite normal people.
9:44 Oh, just drinking my dark magic serum, the effects of which I’m not super sure of.
10:13 Just literally every time we kissed I passed out, so…
10:29 Mark Twain here, your stupid teenager drama is petty and boring. Move on!
11:14 It’s almost like all of my problems were stupid and not worth mentioning. Also, was I gone? I wasn’t aware I was gone.
12:02 Just an FYI. No reason to worry about it.
12:38 Hey, what’s up, we are friends, apparently.
12:59 Wait, is that chubby guy in the back a werewolf? Did he win a contest?
13:38 Also, vampires get to live forever, while werewolves are just bloodthirsty lunatics, so of course I’m going to choose to be turned into a vampire. Come on.
14:29 I’m pretty sure I’ve read at least one blog that started like that.
15:23 Please don’t make out in front of me, older brother, that is gross.
15:50 And pass out.
16:16 Smooth, brother. Smooth.
16:52 Are some of them mummies? Are there mummies? (Can there be mummies?)
17:59 Room service!
18:11 PFFFF….did someone nail an actual steak to the door? Not that kind of stake, stupid.
18:56 Wait, isn’t this guy like 60-years-old? He is going to be the lamest vampire. He’s already in bed and it’s only 10!
19:41 OH NO SHE DIED SOMEHOW! She got really old really quickly.
20:04 Were you ringing, phone? I didn’t hear you ringing, but I knew to answer regardless.
20:19 Wait, now she’s a forensic examiner? What job do you actually have, good witch lady?
21:11 By the way, I own a lab. I do, in fact, have a job.
21:46 Who, despite how he looks, has not been arrested like a dozen times already.
22:14 Oh that’s a cute little lean-to.
22:48 Watch out, the Sam Raimi camera is going to get you!
23:20 He really should have written the note while in wolf form. No fingerprints.
24:12 Because that’s reasonable, right? Nailing a heart to a door. Everyone has their little pranks.
24:48 And for some reason I’m answering his cell phone. Hope that’s not weird.
25:21 But…but wait. He totally did. He totally told her. What’s going on, actual plot point?
25:42 You were apparently already living in the woods, so…can’t imagine it’ll be much of a difference.
26:30 So…nobody drink the owner’s blood. Problem solved.
27:12 I’m trying to imply that you should really take this nationwide. Start a website.
27:47 UM! You never told her about the crime! Encyclopedia Jones would have caught her right there.
28:36 I’m wearing another stupid shirt, Dad. I don’t know why you keep buying these for me.
28:58 Oh thank god, teenagers doing teenager stuff, like stealing booze, instead of turning into wolves and killing hunters.
29:54 HE TOLD HER! What is her problem?
30:39 Wait, she keeps an even tinier purse inside her actual purse?
31:34 Lady! You are under arrest for….witchcraft, I guess? This feels weird. I’m pretty sure this is the 21st century.
32:17 Woo! Red Solo cup!
33:14 Mainly…sex. Which we should totally do. Because we are drunk teenagers in the woods.
33:49 So…he’s going to go murder the son. Just because. Maybe stop him? Maybe?
34:20 Do vampires have distinctly different blood? Do they have different types of white cells or something?
36:12 Wait, seriously? The wolves are going to murder the owner, take his blood, and…what, throw it at vampires? Is that the plan?
37:26 How could I have possibly known that the nice lady who provided me with herbal teas was in fact a dark witch bent on murder? No really. How could I have ever possibly known?
38:29 Because, apparently, going into hiding was not an idea I had thought of.
39:09 As long as they have millions of dollars.
39:55 So…leave the guy with a literal price on his head alone? You are a police officer, right? Yeah, surprise, idiot, he killed himself. You are frankly fucking bad at this.
40:26 What’s up, super shady EMTs, as your service.
40:57 Hey now buddy, sneaking into her room and staring at her when she’s sleeping is vampire behavior. Watch yourself.
42:13 Wait, how much vampire blood does she have? Would she really go around spreading this anti-vampire serum? What motive would she have to do so?
Verdict: So…I’m really confused how this vampire blood poison thing is really as big of deal as they make it. I mean, our main vampires drink blood exclusively from blood banks; they are in absolutely no danger here. And do the werewolves really hate the vampires so much that they would conduct what amounts to biological warfare? Especially when their leader doesn’t approve? And was that REALLY the evil witch’s dumb plan? Spurn her ex-husband? All that prep to fuck with one douche bag? I’m…not impressed, is what I’m saying.
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