LAST TIME: The vampire’s child was stolen from them by the only other vampire we care about. Turns out he gave her back to her family, who had been illegally squatting in her childhood home and were immediately okay with having her back in their life. Also the succubus confesses that she is a succubus to mopeypants, but he’s like nah.
0:37 Main characters in bed at the start of the episode, take a drink.
0:59 He has been dramatically jolting awake from nightmares for the past week?
1:35 Except for the fact that “dream satchels” are New Age bullshit that are unlikely to work on unknowing and unbelieving targets, but whatever.
2:27 I would take her magic a lot more seriously if it looks less like making tea.
3:04 That’s a pretty neat magic item! It allows you to view the dream of the sleeper. I fucking want that.
3:43 Oh hey! What about the whole you not being quite human thing oh never mind, probably not important. Have a good night.
4:12 You guys really need to light your police station better.
4:43 BAH! Ghost scare! Although no idea how he didn’t see that, since the monitors were showing him what was in the room…
5:38 Oh what’s up sister character who hasn’t been around in like four episodes.
6:44 Hahaha, she drinks her blood out of a wine glass. So posh.
8:14 AH! Stop throwing ghosts at us!
8:58 50 years?! They have been married for 50 years?! How did dickhead vampire think she would leave him after that long?
10:28 So…the vampires’ drama right now is that they now have to deal with in-laws? What a dumb problem.
11:25 GAH! Knock it off! I want my drama about werewolves and vampires to be completely void of scary things.
12:45 Maybe, instead of the herb shop, your first suggestion for curing his nightmares should have been a psychiatrist? Maybe?
13:28 NO YOU DON’T! You are the little sister! You have absolutely no stake in your brother’s romantic life. Go play with dolls or something.
14:22 Oh by the way, I’ll be bringing the government with me to try and steal your daughter, because I’m a bitch.
15:25 So…how did this lady become a river ghost exactly? She didn’t die in a river.
16:18 Let me get that; it will probably be something else insane and offputting.
17:34 That was a pretty pointless question.
17:58 Yeah, drinking blood out of a wine glass. A rational person would assume you were drinking wine in the middle of the afternoon. Every stay-at-home mom does it, I’m sure.
18:40 Oh yeah, this bog is probably full of river ghosts.
19:01 Maybe change out of your police uniform before having a freakout in a huge mud puddle.
19:51 Oh by the way, I’m a lunatic who believes in ghosts. Also the school nurse? Why are you visiting the school nurse, sheriff?
21:24 Haha, suck on it, bitch aunt!
22:30 So…what hours do they work, exactly? These three characters always seem to be here.
23:45 His plan was to…talk down the ghost. Just calmly explain why it shouldn’t try to kill him.
24:32 Apparently the Gates is within driving distance of a prehistoric swamp?
25:43 I think these people need to call someone. But who?
26:55 Man I hate domestic scenes, because they always end with some nonsense.
27:47 Wait, you guys are going to TELL YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER that you are vampires? This sounds like the worst fucking idea.
28:31 Get your hand out of the garbage disposal!
29:05 Holy crap people in the suburbs actually using their swimming pool. I thought it was just a status symbol.
30:19 Grr, I’m a river ghost.
30:58 Oh hey, she can also possess people. Interesting.
31:25 You’ll get him nearly drowning checked out? How?
32:32 She’s been possessed! She is not talking like herself at all! Figure it out, super-brainy preteen.
33:41 That’s what a normal person says. You can totally explain that away.
34:26 OH NO! Lady Cop was shot! But her plot points!
35:45 Wait, if this ghost can pull the son under the water, why did he need to possess her at all?
36:15 Oh hey, guess I don’t need to kill myself after all, because the ghost thought I was sufficiently sad and decided to leave me alone. Lucky me.
36:38 Hurray, everyone is still alive!
37:34 Good! You should have done that like five episodes ago! Don’t keep vampire secrets from your wife.
38:40 Wait, wait, the little girl ALREADY knew they were vampires? How? HOW?
39:34 Numbers people, just throw out some numbers. Can’t be that hard.
40:23 Oh goddamnit still? We are still doing succubus drama? You jerks have strung this out for eight goddamn episodes.
41:30 Really? Where did you read that? “Dr. Morium’s Facts about Succubi and Other Insane Ramblings.”
42:26 And so our heroes decide that maybe they should just leave town? I mean, fuck this place.
Verdict: The ghost haunting story was kinda fun, although the ending didn’t really make any sense. I definitely don’t believe the vampire’s subplot, and I am bored to tears with the succubus. This is me hoping that the evil witch just springs her grand plan next week and turns everyone into a zombie or something. That would be cool.
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