LAST TIME: Some fakey FBI agent shows up to smoke out all the vampires, and the sheriff tries to stop her for some reason, then changes his mind, and she gets killed probably. The sheriff’s son moves onto a new girl, and good for him, and apparently that guy who was killed episode before last actually got away and has kidnapped a child.
0:36 Took you guys a whole night to consider calling the police?
1:28 A main character starts the show in bed, take a drink.
1:41 That’s…one way to get his attention. Had you considered maybe calling him on the phone?
2:48 These guys are absolutely certain that he will kill the daughter immediately if they go for help, which is a weird place to go. If he is willing to kill her so easily, why not just…kill her right away? Leave her corpse in the bed.Gruesome, sure, but hey, vampires.
4:05 I have boobs, girls have boobs, maybe I’ll understand.
4:38 These guys can remember five pseudonyms of a guy that they hadn’t seen in over five years? This guy must have a ton of pseudonyms.
5:58 Continue to stand in the sheriff’s office and pout.
6:43 That’s…code word for sex, right? That has to be a code word for sex.
7:41 You’d think that a pissy fight between a werewolf and a succubus would be, I don’t know, involve more claws?
8:44 Hey guy, you should really be more cautious of where you hold your gun. Like maybe not where everyone can see it.
9:52 Calm down, soundtrack. It was a very basic question.
10:40 This bad guy has an interesting methodology of making a ransom request. Wait 15 hours, call someone besides the involved parties…
11:59 But now we are complete squares.
13:12 Quick question; where did their daughter come from? It’s implies she’s not their biological daughter, so…why are they taking care of her?
14:21 This is the part where you start laughing uncontrollably. Because that explanation was stupid.
15:01 Are there other types of demons running around that other supernatural beings just know about? Everyone seems to take the succubus explanation really well.
16:13 Here we go, here’s the juice. Some explanation of where this girl comes from.
16:34 Surprise surprise it’s murder.
16:53 Here is a really sad looking cocktail waitress. This should explain everything.
17:46 Man, cocky young vampires are obnoxious.
18:53 How the hell do methheads afford a house that big?
19:59 Or…take the baby to an orphanage? This seems like a bad plan.
20:53 SURELY those were not the first people these vampires have killed. The sheriff obviously doesn’t believe these are not horrible monsters.
21:36 WAIT! The land developer’s wife is a vampire? I probably knew that, but still. How do you hide that from your spouse?
22:54 Just a bunch of vampires all roaring at each other.
23:32 Maybe stop with the band name thing. Maybe get a new gimmick.
24:24 Maybe use words like, “She’s a demon.” Might help your case.
24:43 This house only serves gin and you know it!
25:57 Hey wait what happened to his sunburn scar? Did they just forget to tell the make-up department?
26:23 The sheriff is suddenly like, “Well…shit…”
26:47 If you want to be scary, vampire, maybe don’t sound like a cat with a tummy ache.
28:11 Just one more thing before I go, vampire…
28:52 Well, that’s one way to answer that question. WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP.
29:40 UG, even when it involves monsters, high school drama is still fucking dumb.
30:26 One man in Reno, just to watch him die, of course.
31:24 Um, nice work, sheriff. That wasn’t that huge of a deductive leap, really.
31:59 Apparently they are close enough to St. Louis to just drive there!
33:31 Hasn’t it been a day? These people are pretty okay with this girl suddenly being back in their lives.
34:36 i.e. methhead.
35:35 Quick, my husband, fight them! Jump across the table and punch them in the face.
36:23 And we are totally going to come kidnap you one day!
37:15 Oh man, that is a look of “what the fuck? Did this chick just completely wig out on me?”
38:19 If this dumb kid took maybe ten seconds to think about it…
39:39 Gah drama drama drama!
40:27 So…is that other vampire still chained to a chair?
41:17 Also, apparently we know each other. Have a good day!
41:52 OH DEAR he’s been staked! Maybe he’ll stay dead for real this time.
Verdict: Well, it's about time someone called the sheriff on his bullshit. I'm sad to see the succubus subplot continue to suck up all the time and not go anywhere, and I'm getting a little sick of vampire drama. But at least the only real "bad guy" is dead, so now we can just ride on pointless angst for the rest of the season. Can we focus on the bad witch now?
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