FlashForward: Episode 22 - "Future Shock"

Oh man I loved this Magic set. Oh wait, that was Future Sight. Um…I was a fan of that…book by futurist Alvin Toffler? No…that doesn’t work either. I don’t know, last episode, moving on!

LAST TIME: Nobody gets what they want. Everyone is sad and alone, FBI Guy is in jail, Charlie and crew are going…somewhere, Beardo’s daughter is dead, even Babysitter is sad because of something that is not worth being drowned over. It sucks for everyone, okay?

FlashForward - Episode 21: "Countdown"

It’s the…final…one?

LAST TIME: They caught the bad guy! And Baltar made everyone really uncomfortable! And Beardo saved his daughter! And…I don’t know, Dmitri is having problems for reasons that they have no adequately explained? Let’s just get going.

FlashForward - Episode 20: "The Negotiation"

LAST TIME: Baltar ate a hamburger.

Oh, also, Charlie ran away with the ring, and the peanut gallery wasted time tracking down a killer, which, on retrospect, seems pretty far outside their jurisdiction. And Nurse Guy and Babysitter made out, spurred on by the Babysitter seeing something that she couldn’t possibly have known about. So, real important episode.

FlashForward - Episode 19: "Course Correction"

That is assuming that the series isn’t heading straight for a ditch.

LAST TIME: FBI Lesbian isn’t really a saboteur after all. She was just pretending to be one to trick the bad guys. Also, Nurse Lady still think she’s in the FBI and meets with Baltar, who lets her know that D. Gibbons did experiments on him, and also her entire life is a lie. So, that’s great.

FlashForward - Episode 18: "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"

So, you’re referencing a song that references a concept in a book, even though the song has nothing to do with the book and seems to muddle the concept of the yellow brick road in the first place. Therefore, I’m going to assume that the episode itself really misses the reference, and everything can confused and awful.

LAST TIME: Dmitri is safe! And D. Gibbons is dead! But not before being super cryptic and then dying from a shot to the head from the single character whose importance since the very beginning was shockingly unclear. Why was the FBI tracking the Terrorist Lady in the first place is she was actually a member of this super secret organization that they didn’t even know about yet? And why the hell would she be in a moving car during the blackout that should knew was going to happen? Anyway! Now Baltar is suddenly in the cast, so that’ll make things more exciting.

FlashForward - Episode 17: "The Garden of Forking Paths"

Instead of subtly poking at the title, let me tell you about the time that I was seriously considering writing an article explaining how the post modernism in Borges’ short story “The Garden of Forking Paths” was helpful in understanding writing roleplaying game campaigns. The opening statement would conclude with me quoting the story and then follow with the sentence, “It all depended on who won initiative.” Really.

LAST TIME: It is suddenly three days from DD-Day (Dmitri’s Death Day), and Dmitri finally decided to flip fate the middle finger and run the fuck away! No wait, he planned to do so, but first he hangs around town for like a day, giving ample time for D. Gibbons to kidnap him, as well as FBI Guy’s daughter. Oh, also, Doctor Wife made out with Magician Guy, which is bullshit.

FlashForward - Episode 16: "Let No Man Put Asunder"

I was going to tell a grammar joke, but I misunderstood what was a verb and what was an adverb, and it’s a bible quote anyone so it doesn’t really matter, because that book plays by its own rules anyway, so let’s call it a wash, huh?

LAST TIME: There was a mole in the FBI, so they spend the whole time trying to weasel that out, and eventually it’s revealed to be someone we don’t know, but in a surprise twist I guess FBI Lesbian is also the mole? Meanwhile, the Japanese lady struggles to get a job and eventually is taken in by ICE, all while her future boyfriend is macking on Babysitter chick. So…sucks for her, I guess.

FlashForward - Episode 15: "Queen Sacrifice"

This is a chess thing. I know what chess is. That means D. (D stands for Douchebag) Gibbons is probably going to make an appearance. Although why this guy goes by D. Gibbons when he's actually named something entirely different is a very good question that I hope gets answered.

LAST TIME: The majority of the FBI and Friends went to Africa, where all non-named characters were shot by a vicious warlord. The one who had to stay home got in a lot of fights with his wife. Also Nurse Guy apparently forgot about his Future Girlfriend and instead spent a lot of time flirting with Babysitter and tells her he has cancer. Have you forgotten he has cancer? You wouldn’t be blamed.

FlashForward - Episode 14: "Better Angels"

Because our…current angels just aren’t good…enough okay I got nothing. This is a beyond stupid title, it’s so dumb I can’t even make fun of it.

LAST TIME: Beardo went absolutely ballistic because his daughter was kidnapped by the randomly evil Jericho corporation, Dmitri’s girlfriend got a little too involved in his work life, and have the FBI is going to Africa, which is apparently very dangerous. Boy, the stakes could be…higher. Wait, what does Beardo’s plot have to do with anything? Is Jericho responsible for the blackout somehow? They better be.

FlashForward - Episode 13: "Blowback"

Really? More violence? Don’t you think the body count of that last foray was a little much? Now we gotta talk about innocent people being hurt by our government being dicks? (Note: I learned something today!) Well already, fine, there are still 5.8 billion people left, let’s see how many more we can kill.

LAST TIME: Charlie and Magician Man are saved in a fit of insanity, Babysitter falls deeper in love with Nurse Guy, and then we spend a good half the episode watching Charlie try to escape FBI Lesbian and get to hear about all the people who have been directly or indirectly killed by him. Answer: It’s a lot of guys! But it turns out he’s wrapped in the shadow organization that is doing all of this, and he doesn’t like it.

FlashForward - Episode 12: "Revelation Zero, Part 2"

You guys remember part 1, right? Where a couple of knobs we don’t care about were kidnapped and it turns out the FBI guy was just kinda fired, and the babysitter went to a meeting? Yeah, that was super interesting. Totally worth a two part episode. I mean, our big episode ending cliffhanger is that Charlie, a character who has been nothing but an amoral pillock, might be having his fingers cut off. Good! Screw that guy.

LAST TIME: See above, dummy. Seriously, you just jump straight to the LAST TIME paragraph?

FlashForward - Episode 11: "Revelation Zero: Part 1"

Oh man! Have you guys been waiting in anticipation for the past three months about what would happen? Oh wait, it’s only been a week, because we are watching this after the fact. So, let’s catch up, shall we?

LAST TIME: FBI Guy was fired, because he did something really stupid, the Magician Guy was kidnapped because he admitted that his actions killed more people than Hitler, and everyone else is just holding on, hoping that their plotlines get to advance anytime soon. Seriously? They expect me to care about those two guys? I hate those guys! More Nurse Guy! 

Flash Forward - Episode 10: "A561984"

Those are just a series of numbers and letters! That is not a title for a thing! That is how you label a part of an airplane! And those are inherently extremely boring!

LAST TIME: Nurse Guy (who apparently has a doctorate after all, but man I would not trust that guy with my spleen) flies to Japan because he has a dream about a hot Japanese chick. Said Hot Japanese Chick runs away from her restrictive family and her lucrative robotics job to play guitar on the streets of LA, a very profitable business venture. Also, Beardo is pushed towards the edge by his not-actually-dead daughter, and FBI Guy is a raging jackass. Are you lost? Because I’m thoroughly archived everything. You can just read up, dummy.

FlashForward - Episode 9: "Believe"

So, what are the bets that we’re going to be hearing one of the 50 songs with that title? Probably closer to Elton John is more this show‘s speed, maybe even Cher if they visit another club. Worst case scenario is we get Josh Groban.

LAST TIME: The FBI guns down a guy with a three star tattoo for the crime of being in a bird store afterhours, and now everyone thinks the future is hunky dory. Apparently Charlie and The Magician are going to reveal the big secret of why everyone passed out to the world (doubt it) and Beardo’s army daughter is apparently alive and on the run from the Blackwater stand-in, who, now this is just a guess, are probably the same guys with the three star tattoos. Hell, everyone knows everyone else already, so why not?

FlashForward - Episode 8: "Playing Cards with Coyote”

Yeah sure okay, how about throwing a little bit of Native American mythology into the mix. Heck, let’s just go full Neil Gaiman and just start making up all kinds of things. Amaterasu can show up and starting hitting dudes with lightning, Baron Samedi can show up with the hat and be all suave and shit, and then Enlil will show up and wonder why nobody knows who he is.

LAST TIME: The FBI visited a death club (with bullets) and basically mucked shit up. Then the black FBI agent TOTALLY COMMITED SUICIDE to save the life of some lady that he didn’t even know, nor really understood how he killed her. But that means that all bets are off, and frankly anything can happen now. Also, Nurse Guy becomes friends with the Babysitter, who is suddenly really into manga, even though she doesn‘t know what kanji looks like.

FlashForward - Episode 7: "The Gift”

One person gets a watch chain, one person gets some combs, everyone is disappointed, especially me.

LAST TIME: The kid with the problems suddenly shows up at the FBI family house, and get everything all stirred up, and I could not be more bored with their lives. Also, Dmitri and Black FBI Agent who still doesn't have a subplot yet find a couple of bodies whose hands have been painted blue. Surely, this is significant. This episode, they will surely explain the Yukuza from Episode 5. SURELY.

FlashForward - Episode 6: “Scary Monsters and Super Creeps”

Oh sorry, I wasn’t aware this show was written by a 10-year-old girl. Super creeps? Come on.

LAST TIME: Holy shit the Yakuza showed up and shot guns! And then there was a completely bullshit gun fight and a lesbian got stabbed and some background character suddenly got a ton of background development. We learn that alcohol controls pretty much every character, and also that when your story starts to drag, it’s perfectly acceptable to throw in a rocket launcher.

FlashForward - Episode 5: "Gimme Some Truth"

 Please! Hehehe. No, but seriously, what’s with the colloquial spelling? Is a young, hip black person from the late 1980’s going to deliver this line during the show?

LAST TIME: The writers suddenly remembered they had two more female characters, so they get looped back in, lucky them. The doctors deal with a stupid medical drama in which a guy thinks he’ll be a black man in the future, when really he has Ronald Reagan’s disease, I didn’t get it either. Also some more boring crap.

FlashForward - Episode 4: "Black Swan"

I would make a joke about Natalie Portman going insane, but that’s not really a joke, just acknowledging something else is also named “Black Swan,“ so I’m going to skip it. Plus I still need to see that movie first.

LAST TIME: We’re introduced to half a dozen new characters, including Dmitri’s girlfriend, some drunk’s wife, token black operative, A NAZI, and a creepy death tower in the middle of Africa. Okay, that last one wasn’t a character, but I imagine we’ll see it again. Anyway, it took letting a war criminal out of jail to realize that sudden bird death might be an indication that this weird blackout thing has happened before. Latching on to this clue, the FBI team will surely do something interesting.

FlashForward - Episode 3: "137 Sekunden"

This episode names are just going to keep getting stupider before they get better, aren’t they?

LAST TIME: Everyone is trying to get to the bottom of what that weird blackout thing was, including the FBI team, who, through a series of stupid coincidences and leaps of logic, end up in Utah, where they run into one of the masterminds behind the plot, who proceeds to create a huge explosion. Meanwhile, the female main character worries about lady things, like preserving the integrity of her marriage, because why would men care about stuff like that? Also, Harold finds out, through another set of stupid coincidences, that he will be murdered in five months. Sure was convenient how everything went down so far, huh?