No Ordinary Family - Episode 20: "No Ordinary Beginning"

I have nothing more to say about this dumb naming convention! Let us get this show that will refuse to resolve in the can already.

LAST TIME: Darla can travel through time now, and goes to a dark future where her family is hunted by the government and also rolls around in the dirt at one point. But through a series of a completely reasonable actions, they avoided that. Also, Mystique is back from the dead and trying to steal Marcia’s baby.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 19: "No Ordinary Future"

Is there an ordinary future? Does anyone get to a point in their life where they stop and say, “Yep, this is exactly what I was expecting! Nothing out of the ordinary here"? Boring people do, I bet.

LAST TIME: The criminal who our heroes help get superpowers starts running around killing people. Darla is injured while fighting him, and so Chiklis takes her to the bad guy instead of to a hospital, and they give her even more superpowers, because why not? Also, Marcia is pregnant with Minion’s baby, and that gives her superpowers somehow.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 18: "No Ordinary Animal"

Ah shit…another filler episode. I hope it’s a cat. It’s definitely a dog, but I still hope it’s still a cat. I like cats.

LAST TIME: Chiklis gets mind controlled by Cylon Six to blow up something for reasons not explained. Darla also helps the Big Bad give a random jackass superpowers, even though logically it's something that any jackoff could do, and a new enemy shows up just because.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 17: "No Ordinary Love"

I refuse to dignify this nonsense with a mildly witty reply. I refuse to dignify this with a hackneyed reply!

LAST TIME: All cats are out of the bag! Cats are leaping out of bags with abandon! Marcia breaks up with Minion due to him being a murderer, Tiberius gets blackmailed to do…something, and Pills’ boyfriends’ Dad is the biggest douchebag. Seriously, regains the capacity to walk and immediately starts to rob banks. The hell, sir?

No Ordinary Family - Episode 16: "No Ordinary Proposal"

Now, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be Minion asking Marcia to marry him, but I’m kinda hoping that the Big Bad will come to Darla and suggest that they start eating all the non-super powered scientists.

LAST TIME: The doppelganger finally gets around to infiltrating, and she and Chiklis have a big bald fight, which kills her somehow. Also, the kids manage to get held captive at gunpoint, I’m not even sure how that happened, while Pills continues to abuse her Jedi mind powers.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 15: "No Ordinary Powell"

What? The hell does that even mean? Like Colin Powell? No Ordinary well-decorated African-American general who had a tumultuous time as a secretary on George W. Bush’s staff?  Is one of the characters named Powell? On dang that’s the last name of the main characters, right… So, the title could have very well been “No Ordinary Guys.”

LAST TIME: Chiklis is sexist, and gets his comeuppance, I guess? Also Tiberius just blows his date with the hot blonde, Marcia gets mind wiped by Minion to avoid having what is, at best, a difficult conversation, and the Big Bad totally figures out that our heroes have superpowers. OOPS!

No Ordinary Family - Episode 14: "No Ordinary Double Standard"

Let me just nip this in the bud and say how women are generally portrayed in a sexist manner in comic books and assume that I spent a good deal of time make this point clear, and then direct you to Comics Alliance for some thoughtful essays on the matter. Man, that’s the second time I’ve recommended reading based entirely on the title of this show. Apparently they are more interesting than I thought.

LAST TIME: Die Hard, Breakfast Club, and X-Men respectively. The concept of hiding their superpowers from strangers is apparently out the window, as Chiklis, Minion, and Darla all accidentally or otherwise use their powers in such a blatant way that it can’t possible be ignored (and Tiberius was totally considering it to impress a girl). But I have the strangest feeling that it just won’t come up this episode. Don’t know why, just a gut reaction.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 13: "No Ordinary Detention"

Oh man, if it turns out like the detention in Morning Glories, that would be messed up and awful. Flood the room! (You all should read Morning Glories. It will start having an interesting resolution any decade now.)

LAST TIME: Chiklis has a douchebag brother who does douchebag things, like use Tiberius’s math powers to cheat at gambling, for example. He also owned money to a TV loan shark, who thought roughing up customers and then killing them was more important than just charging a ridiculous interest rate instead. It’s just good business. Oh, and Minion continues to try and quit his job, it‘s apparently harder than you’d think.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 12: "No Ordinary Brother"

Because I expect this show to be less than subtle, I’m guess that a family member of MC Skat Kat’s will be making an appearance. (Get it?) Also, guess which idiot has been calling him by the wrong name for WEEKS now and has purged the mistake like the Russian police? That’s right, someone else.

LAST TIME: Pills doesn’t have amnesia after all, so don’t you worry about it! Instead, the family ruins the life of another family by stopping the criminal mom from doing crime and also getting her shot, and Minion quits his job so he take Marcia’s virginity. Not sure why he needed to quit his job to do that. But it turns out he’s a complete moron and took the stolen journal with him on his booty call, and now Marcia knows!

No Ordinary Family - Episode 11: "No Ordinary Friends"

But we just did an episode in which we learned about the power of friendship! And you can’t convince me this will be about the kids’ friends, because the only friend they seem to have is the black guy with the pregnant girlfriend. (Seriously, when are they going to get back to that? Did he dump her? Force her to get an abortion? Going to follow through? I care deeply about this tertiary character!)

LAST TIME: The adults have pissy fights for no reason, Tiberius has a crush on a girl, and Pills manages to cause something to happen by figuring out Minion’s game, then getting mind wiped. MINDWIPED! It’s a big deal.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 10: "No Ordinary Sidekick"

I know I’m going to regret this, but I hope they introduce a new character here. Someone with superpowers who isn’t one of these four jerks or a sociopath. Maybe then we can get some light on what the hell is going on?

LAST TIME: A nice night on the town took a left turn into vigilanteville, with Darla decided basic human rights no longer applied if you’re a bad guy, but then the guy died for sand or whatever, so it’s a moot point. Also, some shenanigans involving a broken vase or statue or something, I don’t know, it was sitcom level submoronic. Also, Minion lost his superpowers for a week, no idea why.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 9: "No Ordinary Anniversary"

Everyone knows the eighteen year anniversary is the superpowers anniversary, but what do you get your wife when she already has them?

LAST TIME: Chiklis’s superpowers were short circuiting because of his wife’s new lipstick. The family feels obligated to give a teacher super surgery so he doesn’t flunk Tiberius. Pills doesn’t like sushi. Minion is pretending to date Marcia, despite having all the info he needs to get the family killed. All of these things happened, and they don’t make any sense.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 8: "No Ordinary Accident"

Man, these titles are so hard to make up funny things about. They only change like one damn word. Accidents aren’t that exciting guys.

LAST TIME: A surprisingly lot! There’s a mobster who sees Chiklis’s face, but he gets killed, and Minion suddenly knows who Chiklis is, but doesn’t tell anyone. Instead he goes on a date with Marcia, which she was on because Tiberius tried to woo her for some stupid reason. Also, Pills reads minds and Darla runs fast. This isn’t news.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 7: "No Ordinary Mobster"

Really? This show has mobsters now? Is it suddenly the 1930’s? Does he have time travel powers? Because that is the only way I’m going to be remotely interested in a goddamn mobster.

LAST TIME: The stereotypical in-laws showed up and were really awful to everyone, but it turned out alright because the father-in-law got some cosmic comeuppance. Oh, also Pills can now see actual images of someone’s mind if she touches them, because they ran out of plot points involving just hearing stray thoughts already. This was used for some dumb plot involving a guy with burns on his face that he didn’t feel like treating.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 6: "No Ordinary Visitors"

They are from outer space! And they have wacky powers! How will we keep that noisy neighbor from finding out? Stop snooping, Mrs. Kravitz!

LAST TIME: Some chick with earthquake powers bothers the family, but not that much, and they definitely don’t succeed in taking care of the problem at all. Also, the bad guys totally know who they are now, so that’s bad. Oh, and some idiot decides that not coming clean about a relationship he’s having with a student’s parent was wiser than keeping it super secret and endangering his career, because he’s an idiot.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 5: "No Ordinary Quake"

Ah man, I don’t want to watch an earthquake plot. They always go exactly the same way. People acting normal, then there’s an earthquake, then they deal with it. Rarely entertaining, and usually a reminder of how goddamn terrifying earthquakes are.

LAST TIME: Tiberius tried to join the football team, while Pills tries to attend a party and got busted trying to buy alcohol despite looking 12. Also, I guess Chiklis was seen by some guy in the park? I don’t remember, it wasn’t that interesting.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 4: "No Ordinary Vigilante"

He…doesn’t get arrested or outed? Vigilantism is a hard business. I mean, Daredevil has been running from that game for like an entire decade now. Seriously, how does he keep on denying it? Matt Murdock is a hell of a lawyer.

LAST TIME: Darla got her ring stolen by some common thugs, and Chiklis spent the entire episode trying to get it back. Meanwhile, Tiberius pretends to be Jewish (hilarious), and everyone lies to everyone all the time.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 3: "No Ordinary Ring"

It has…diamonds? Seriously, is this episode three? Come on guys, lead strong! More bad guys or whatever! Not more marital boredom!

LAST TIME: Darla doesn’t think it’s necessary to follow the rules that she establishes, and the school district has a complete bitch on the PTA. Also, the kids still won’t tell the parents they have superpowers, and an interesting ethnic person died.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 2: "No Ordinary Marriage"

Okay, I’ve done my research to find out what else these poor actors have done, and have some startling results. The daughter was an actor in the hilarious TV movie Cyberbully, the son played the young James T. Kirk (you know, the one who fought Robocop), the DA’s movie career was launched by the movie The Pest with John Leguizamo (I know!) and did the rapping segments in “Opposites Attract“, and the female assistant is the most attractive person on the planet Earth. Oh, she also played Marcia in the worst idea ever, “The Brady Bunch in the White House.” So there’s no confusion, I will be referring to them as Pills, Tiberius, MC Skat Kat, and Marcia, respectively. Thank you for putting up with my childish name calling.

LAST TIME: Some random family crashlands in South America and this somehow gives each of them separate and distinct superpowers. It’s okay, it happens in all the comic books that way as well. Anyway, Chiklis decides to use his powers to fight crime, while his wife just runs a lot. We also find out there are other people with superpowers, which I’m sure won’t come up again.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 1: "Pilot"

Okay! Where to now? What miraculous failure of a show do we move onto next? Maybe one in which they shamelessly rip off the Incredibles, which itself was shamelessly ripping off the Fantastic Four? I think that’s a good idea, self. Let’s move on to No Ordinary Family, which has the most annoying episode naming convention since Friends. Seriously, starting every episode name with “No Ordinary”? It just makes it really difficult to tell what episode is which. But first the pilot, which is boringly named Pilot! Not “No Ordinary Pilot,” which would have been just fine! Jeez!