LAST TIME: Some jackass named Jokester is kind of a superhero, opposing Owlman on Earth-3 in the goofiest and most pointless way possible. His life is stupid, but our heroes help his escape his dumb planet. Good for them.
Page 1: Okay, so, in order to set up this goofy world they just invented, they included a story from a Halloween special issue. So, hang in there for eight pages. It looks like a bit of Victoria fun, if very blue.
Page 1, Panel 1: You’ve created a time paradox!
Page 1, Panel 3: Oh, we are watching Pirates of Penzance. This is a stupid musical.
Page 2, Panel 1: Apparently this is the Super Creeper Touring Company.
Page 3, Panel 5: Um, hey Batman. What’s up? Is that a new mask?
Page 4, Panel 1: OH DEAR! Batman shouldn’t be doing that.
Page 4, Panel 6: Yeah, okay, Mr. Hatter. And why exactly are we seeing this bullshit? Where are we? What the hell is going on? Because this sure looks like Crime Alley…but Batman already exists?
Page 5, Panel 1: I officially have no idea what’s going on! Also, that guy’s head isn’t where it’s supposed to be! And what is wrong with Batman?
Page 6, Panel 1: I guess he’s a vampire?
Page 7, Panel 1: Wait, what, huh? WHAT? HUH? That was super confusing. Who? What? Why would you base a whole universe on this bananas?
Mini-Verdict: That was superdumb! I wonder where they are going with this! What did they do to Batman?
Page 1 Again: And now on to the main event, apparently inspired by that insane and pointless seven pages from a nonsense anthology. Sidenote: Holy crap is that a lot of inkers, you guys.
Page 1, Panel 1: That’s a weird Rio-esque statue to have over your city. I guess they really like creepy Batman.
Page 1, Panel 2: Jason Todd has a girlfriend?
Page 1, Panel 3: Yes, my tracking technology has been infallible, as it has taken us to two worlds where the Atom definitely wasn’t and has led us on a wild goose chase.
Page 1, Panel 4: Oh, okay, vampires are real, everyone. Also, someone is trying to kill them.
Page 2, Panel 3: Ah ha, the Bat-Man. A man who is a bat.
Page 2, Panel 7: For some reason, this lady doesn’t want to talk about her traumatic experience with a known killer.
Page 3, Panel 3: Hang on a minute, just turning into a horrible vampire.
Page 4, Panel 1: Please ignore how ridiculously sexual they drew the buttock of this lady.
Page 5, Panel 1: Oh hey, a raised track. But…there was a old-fashioned newsie earlier? What time period are we even in?
Page 5, Panel 5: Oh dear I have tripped! People shouldn’t walk like this.
Page 6, Panel 2: OF COURSE that random vampire lady is Barbara Gordon. Ignore the fact that she’s not obviously a redhead, isn’t crippled, and isn’t even wearing glasses. She was called Barbara Gordon, therefore she is.
Page 7, Panel 4: Did Ray Palmer suddenly start stalking people for no fucking reason?
Page 8, Panel 1: Ah, there we go, they turned down the red light and I can finally see everyone normally.
Page 8, Panel 4: Really, that is really farfetched, Jason Todd? She has fangs! She was staked! She is a vampire!
Page 9, Panel 2: Wait wait wait. There’s a Homeless Quarter? Who the hell is living in the buildings then?
Page 9, Panel 6: This is a dumb clue. Also, what’s a wood manufacturer?
Page 9, Panel 7: When do these guys sleep? They are jumping through dimensions. Do they jump to a Best Western on Earth-47 when they are tired?
Page 10, Panel 1: Yeah, arches are pretty gross.
Page 10, Panel 2: Wait…why are they hunting this vampire killer? They can be reasonably sure Ray Palmer isn’t here. Just…just leave. You have no reason to care about this universe’s Barbara Gordon. Plus…she was a murderous vampire!
Page 11, Panel 1: For some reason, he’s mad that I’m being a dick to him.
Page 12, Panel 3: This furniture store clearly makes furniture, that’s for sure!
Page 13, Panel 1: This guy has a headache.
Page 13, Panel 3: So…this world is post-Batman? Batman became a vampire somehow and did his own Crime Alley? Well, this is dumb.
Page 14, Panel 1: Because politicians are like vampires! I get it! (Also, what party is hosting their convention is goddamn Gotham City?)
Page 14, Panel 4: Oh hey vampire Batman! Nice of you to show up to the book that’s technically about you.
Page 15, Panel 4: Where did that stake come from?
Page 16, Panel 2: Why…why did this guy use candles? Why wouldn’t he use regular lights? Again, what goddamn era are we in?
Page 16, Panel 5: We have to stop this random guy from killing vampire Batman for some reason!
Page 17, Panel 2: Hahaha, so, vampire Batman carved that giant stone icon for what reason exactly? Cause it looked cool? And why does vampire Batman need a computer?
Page 18, Panel 1: Good job team! You prevented the murder of a bloodthirsty vampire who has kept this city in the grips of terror for over a decade now. Wait, why are you doing this?
Page 18, Panel 2: Oh, it’s Dick Grayson, you guys. That vampire killer was Dick Grayson.
Page 19, Panel 2: I guess vampire Batman was…woken up? Can you wake up a vampire?
Page 19, Panel 6: Oh no! Some character we don’t care about did something to some other character we don’t care about!
Page 20, Panel 1: He’s, uh, he’s just standing there, Donna.
Page 20, Panel 2: OH! They were under the assumption that Ray Palmer was the vampire hunter. Well…that's a stupid assumption.
Page 20, Panel 4: It’s okay, team, we can just ignore this horrible tragedy. Ignore the fact that Dick Grayson wouldn’t be dead if we hadn’t interfered.
Page 21, Panel 1: Ah, I thought that was just the colorists going overboard. This world really is bathed in red light. Huh.
Page 21, Panel 2: You did! You could have done absolutely nothing and Dick Grayson would have totally killed vampire Batman! You dicks!
Page 21, Panel 4: Yeah, just keep on layering on the bullshit histronics.
Page 22, Panel 1: Hehehe, vampire Robin looks like a monkey. A monkey inexplicably in a Robin costume.
Verdict: Well that was stupid pointless. And screw our heroes for their obnoxious sanctimonious nonsense. Every planet you’ve been on thus far had people die in horrible ways, it’s only now that you recognize the people who are dying that you start feeling guilty about it? And again, if you had just…left when you found that dumb Atom tattoo, everything would have turned out fine! And why the hell was Batman a vampire in the first place? Why were Dick Grayson’s parents taking him to watch the Pirates of Penzance? Weren’t they circus folk? They typically…don’t have time for that kinda thing. Anyway, fuck this planet. I’m glad it’s gone now!
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