STOP! Just…just stop. Way to try and bury the bad news, synopsis. At least the cover warns you up front.
0:12 Phase 4 Films: We will produce literally anything.
1:06 How many production logos do we need? That’s five, and that last one wasn’t even in English.
1:40 What? I can’t understand you. Are you standing underwater or something?
2:16 Man, at least these guys can do water animation really well.
3:03 Hey, show don’t tell, movie. Sand is really not that interesting.
3:47 You’d think I would have noticed like five minutes ago since there are all these creepy statues everywhere.
4:53 You had to read that somewhere? It seems like that would be pretty obvious.
5:28 How is a dust cloud forming underwater?
5:51 Wait, why did they have to go through the door? They are sharks. They can just swim over the wall.
6:19 We’ve had you under surveillance for hours, despite the fact that you only got here like five minutes ago.
7:14 So…paper scrolls. Paper scrolls underwater.
7:50 That sentence did not even make sense. They aren’t as interested as they might be, which is so much.
8:25 Huh? Apparently I’m having a hard time breathing fire underwater.
9:02 Oh never mind, apparently fire is working just fine. Smoke and everything.
9:41 I hope you die! Woo hoo!
10:11 Who the fuck is talking? Why aren’t their lips moving?
11:02 Everyone is really freaking out for some reason!
11:42 It’s almost as if I didn’t need to bring it with me at all, if I’m just willing to leave it any old place.
12:31 BLUH! It’s like they forgot to give her a head and so just put eyes on her gross torso.
13:16 Isn’t this her lair? Why is there a tunnel leading directly to the palace in her lair?
13:38 OH SHIT A SONG.
14:19 Who is this skullcrab guy? He seems cool.
15:41 Jesus, is this song still going?
16:03 “Oh yeah, guitar solo.”
16:40 Oh dang it, I just realized this song could be about masturbation. She’s singing about embracing her magical dragon pearl. Get it? Yeah, I’m gross.
17:48 Go ahead, do a pincer movement all by yourself. I trust you.
18:12 Why are these sword fish talking like they’re on intercoms?
18:34 The dragon prince has albums?
19:16 Just…just swim away! There are like four of them. Gravity does not matter, you could probably get away.
20:16 You know what the world doesn’t need? Even more fish puns.
20:47 Oh hey, it’s the dragon king everyone keeps talking about.
21:05 Why was he not stopped period? The lobster just kinda stood there and let it happen.
21:45 The General? Are they getting car insurance?
22:26 Those are synonyms!
23:08 You know, if you are going to have an octopus name Ocho as the villain, maybe give her eight legs? Instead of three for some reason.
24:09 Yes yes, all those words start with ‘d’. Alliteration is fun I guess.
24:55 The ceremony must be ostentatious. If it’s a regular old ceremony, the deal is off!
25:52 Did he just fire his only military force? He kinda needs that. You were just attacked!
26:38 Let’s spend two minutes to say things that would take like 10 seconds to clarify. That’s how you get your dumb movie to feature length.
27:25 Gilligan cut to him messily eating ice cream.
27:45 Or fade out and return to the same scene, that works too.
28:30 Also, maybe scream that a little louder, you obnoxious pufffish.
29:05 You can! You saw him do it! Stop stalling!
30:50 I have the strangest feeling that the dragon king didn’t bother to tell them that, since apparently they are just going back to the evil octopus’s lair without a care in the world.
31:33 Octopuses have nails?
31:57 I like how all the sword fish can made unsheathing sounds just by swimming closer to the camera.
32:54 Is that a starfish in a track suit? Speaking with an offensive Asian accent?
33:58 Aw Christ, the starfish is named Star Lee. I hate this guy already.
34:33 Does your plan involving turning sideways and squeezing through the bars? Because you are a starfish.
35:00 Guys, guess what, they are doing the old “prisoner acts sick” trick. Because of course they are.
35:57 Oh fuck that was a dream sequence. That was dumb as shit.
37:07 We have both slept with your mother! Boosh!
38:08 So, is this lady evil? Because we have spent literally ten minutes just watching her laugh maniacally, I just can’t tell.
39:41 I mean, you’re only trapped in a prison while your birthright kingdom is within days of collapse, I don’t know why you are so uptight.
40:55 Hey, apparently this fish was carrying a key. What the heck is up with that?
42:07 These sharks sure seem friendly.
42:43 I don’t know how a shot in a computer-generated film managed to look like it was filmed in front of a green screen, but that one sure did.
43:15 Oh no, I’m lost, maybe I should just give up forever, where do I keep my kitchen knives?
44:34 The dragon is shrugging at the camera because this character is ridiculous.
45:20 It’s a clam on a rock!
45:59 Ah okay, this guy is the obnoxious guilt trip clam.
46:40 Apparently this painting was here the entire time. And it moves.
47:02 How can a war between two people be long and terrible?
47:28 Haven’t we already heard this story before? Like…three times already?
48:32 Ah man, I sure hate those ocean tornadoes.
49:08 Um, they would only be cannibals if they ate other stone fish. Also, why do they sound like springs?
49:28 I touched something mildly gross. This is the worst day of my life!
50:03 Every animal can talk, why with the distinction for this whale here?
50:47 No choice but to ride in the mouth of a giant creature that could easily eat me. I’m pretty stupid!
51:48 Well that’s that then? Wait, still twenty minutes left? Goddamn why?
52:24 We totally let your only bargaining chip get away, but I can’t think of a reason why you would be mad about that.
53:35 I’m just going to keep screaming your mission to you, in case you forgot about it.
54:30 You guys remember this line from 300? Because I sure do.
55:29 So…what do the swordfish get out of all this? The other three minions, sure, but how does this octopus have an army of hundreds of trained swordfish? She surely can’t afford a salary for them.
56:39 And that line is from Apocalypse Now! This is how parody works, right?
57:08 Wait, the skullcrab is Jewish?
57:40 Oh good, the shrimp cavalry is here.
58:18 Just doing some loopy-de-loops instead of actually taking care of the problem. I’m in charge here!
59:08 Apparently he can create a whirlpool that exclusively only pulls in bad guys.
1:00:08 The octopus was there the whole time, you guys.
1:00:30 OH SHIT! That went all the way through him.
1:01:21 They practiced the death chants?
1:02:40 Ah great, another song. In Chinese. Sung by Rob Schneider.
1:03:37 Wait, he knew that the pearl shouldn’t be touched before, and he still took it anyway? The prince is an idiot.
1:04:18 Oh hey, he just gained the power of Greyskull.
1:05:03 Apparently it is just that easy!
1:05:46 I’m glad you managed to escape somehow.
1:06:10 Yeah, that sure sounds like what they would suddenly chant to a newly appointed king whose first action was a major act of war. “Peace and prosperity.”
1:07:48 I guess the sharks gets amnesty?
1:08:13 You know, old people shouldn’t dance. Especially old lobsters.
1:08:57 Hey! Down in front!
1:09:30 So, I guess this song just goes on forever. This is what will be happening until the end of time. Great.
1:09:59 Turntable break. TURNTABLE BREAK.
1:11:19 Oh god all the shrimp are exploding! Oh god, the humanity!
1:11:50 Oh thank goodness it ended.
1:13:58 Wait…they translated the words to this song? Then why was it in Chinese earlier?
Verdict: So…that was pointless, but not 1-star pointless. I mean, I’ve seen worse animation, and although easily half the movie could have been cut, I think the majority of the problem is that Rob Schneider’s name is attached. Except he doesn’t even do anything Schneider-ish! He’s just…kind of there! That ending song was worse than his performance! Why does everyone hate on the Schneidster?
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