Because the Olympics has been very effective at staving off war in the real world. Here’s hoping this is just 90 minutes of pod racing.
0:10 Oh Christ Phase 4 again? Man…these guys are horrible at their jobs.
0:40 YEP! All pod racing, all the time. They weren’t even trying to make it look even slightly different.
1:27 You’re asking someone who intentionally calls himself Trance to pay attention? That is a fool’s errand, lady.
2:20 This beam immediately knows if you have contraband on board. Don’t ask how. Science beam.
2:46 Listen Linda, don’t start with that white zone crap again.
3:27 That was some great not-really-dialogue.
3:57 It’s Alf! What are you doing here? I bet he trades exclusively for cats.
4:59 Ah, the old fake a heart attack trick.
5:48 You can tell he’s evil because he has a Fu Manchu mustache.
6:37 Bad guy starts planting flower pots everywhere, draping a blanket over the dead body.
7:28 You wait until RIGHT NOW to figure out your plan to get through customs?
8:23 Hang on, this idiot carries around a goddamn gram of uranium around his neck at all times? How many tumors does he have?
8:59 You guys decided to blatantly copy the most racist part of Episode 1?
9:54 Is this planet really named Mekaneak? Really?
10:26 These aren’t soldiers, this is actually just his life-size Warhammer 40K army.
10:46 GUH!
11:44 It’s actually really easy! You push the button 2, the plus button, the button 2 again, and then equal. EASY!
12:32 You are right! Who the hell is this lady? What is she doing here? Why didn’t they ask these questions earlier?
13:42 I can’t think of any responsibilities we might have in reporting the illegal merchandise we discovered, I just hope this guy gets what’s coming to him.
14:34 Yeah…this announcer is no Greg Proops.
15:05 This creepy robot wears a goddamn flesh mask. FLESH MASK.
15:49 Hang on hang on hang on. Is the bad guy’s nose on his forehead? That is gross.
16:42 This is Team Earth, right? Like…representing the entire planet? Why is there only three of them and why aren’t they being adequately funded?
17:49 We think they don’t have sponsors because the person in charge of the team is mentally ill. That is the excuse we are actually stating outloud.
18:40 Oh, and watch out for Subulba, he’s really nasty.
20:33 No really. When do Tusken Raiders start shooting at them? Seriously, how the hell did they get away with this?
21:25 Maybe don’t put your valuable mining units near a racecourse? Like just shut them down for the ten minutes this race will be occurring.
23:24 Oh no whoever that is saw something!
24:23 Your necklace constantly saves you from dying in an explosion?
24:50 Wait, he pushed his car to its breaking point to try and get first in the quarterfinals? He was already guaranteed a place in the semis!
26:25 Hey, what’s up, I’m some guy you’ve never seen before! How you doing? Check out these prostitutes I met.
27:11 What’s wrong with her head?!
28:04 Nice bling, buddy.
28:34 Oh look, a strip club. Like, not even trying to be anything else. Charming.
29:14 I’m going to assume that’s the same lady from before, even though we’ve never seen her hair before and she looks like any other ugly person we’ve seen so far.
29:53 I already told Jabba…
30:24 What? You had sponsors and you refused them because you didn’t want to be a corporate mouthpiece? You are in the racing game, idiot.
31:45 So…she’s in love with this dummy that she spends pretty much every day with, and she tries to win him over when he already has a piece of arm candy?
32:23 Then they wheel out a giant cucumber and these raptor aliens just stare at it.
33:17 He got that at Starbucks. They have them everywhere.
34:03 Oh, okay, so all the aliens are mad because humans started a war of galactic conquest 500 years ago. Of course, I have seen exactly three humans so far, so I guess that didn’t work, and everyone should get over it.
35:53 Um…enjoy these pretty lights, I guess.
36:39 Wait, how did they hear that broadcast? What’s going on?
37:00 Oh…I guess they are being chased for some reason?
37:58 Haha, those people died.
38:49 Why is their spaceship making creaking noises like a Spanish galleon?
39:32 So…in order to prevent this evil ancient person from doing something very bad, they have to win a race? That’s convenient.
40:58 From who? Who controls the crazy robot planet? I’m not sure who the real enemy is here.
41:47 Tragedy struck today when the Earth team, stupidly refusing to accept any money for their racing team, crashes in the main courtyard and killed seven bystanders.
42:11 Was that Dr. Claw?
43:12 Just start killing our own people until they tell us whatever it is we want to hear. That works pretty well, right?
44:10 Gross…this lady is gross.
45:35 That was the dickiest thing I’ve ever seen anyone say! Who says that to a person?
46:47 Everybody listen carefully, this is the backstory, wouldn’t want to miss it.
47:53 Come on, guy! The only reason anyone does anything right is so they can lie when it’s convenient for them, everyone knows this.
48:33 It’s true. This guy is a jerk.
49:32 So…how do you get to your seat when you buy a ticket to one of those floating grandstands? Is there a teleportation pad? Shuttle? What if you have to pee? So many questions.
50:39 Oh, he has one of those spinny wheel blades, like in Ben Hur.
51:30 I always wonder why the racers always have a full five seconds to gasp before hitting a rock and exploding, yet apparently not enough time to actually move out of the way.
52:40 And boom goes the dynamite.
53:58 Did they assume we haven’t been watching the movie? We know this already.
55:12 Wait…how? How can the cuffs be designed to withstand the energy of an unknown alien? They should have no idea how much power she has.
56:06 I immediately assume you are personally responsible!
57:25 Harry Potter…I mean.
57:48 Did…did the bad guy just break off his fingers and feed it to that dinosaur alien? That is fucked up!
58:42 ANYTHING! Do anything, you dick! Half the team has been captured, you need to help!
59:40 Yeah…it’s a worthless hunk of energy. You can’t blame it for your problems.
1:01:03 Of course there was a giant fan above that hole. There’s always giant fans.
1:01:33 Again? How many giant fans can there possibly be?
1:02:18 What happened to his hand? Oh right, how did I forget already? Oh right, because it was awful and it shouldn’t have happened.
1:03:21 So…he’s dead. Wow. This prison mine sucks.
1:04:52 Hey! There’s that guy I know! No reason to worry about those guard robots that are everywhere….oh.
1:05:37 Oh screw you, bad guy. You’re not allowed to steal Ash’s line in this. He earned that line.
1:06:44 Ah, it’s a lollipop that unlocked handcuffs. Novel.
1:07:22 Oh, I remember this video game sequence. I hate it because it’s all memory and I have to replay it at least five times.
1:08:12 Hey….should we build the tram track above these giant grinding gears? I mean…I can’t see the harm. Also, what are these gears even for?
1:09:14 And next on our tour, a room in which some random stuff is happening.
1:10:02 Great kid, don’t get cocky.
1:11:05 Is it a good plan? Does it make any sense?
1:11:47 Course: “Aquadeath”
1:12:13 UG! Holomail. Really?
1:12:59 Wait…nobody knew this guy was a megalomaniac intent on galactic domination? He had a symbol and slogan commissioned! I’m pretty sure he monogrammed some towels!
1:14:45 Winners don’t do drugs!
1:15:37 Save it for the race! Pull a risky maneuver that will possibly kill him. That’s how sportsmanship works.
1:16:28 Were they dating? Why is he so upset to see her go?
1:16:59 Stop the fugitive! Fall in love with her and make promises you don’t intend to keep!
1:17:40 Did he just say bitch? This really is rated PG-13.
1:18:30 So, it seems the only way to get eliminated from this race is to explode and die. Why would anyone ever try to pass anyone?
1:19:59 Is there a goddamn race going on in this movie? Why the hell would there be a race?
1:21:37 Who is this guy? How does anyone take him seriously? He looks like a melted green Doggie Daddy.
1:23:04 Things are not going well for Lando and crew.
1:23:54 Is that the Statue of Liberty? What is that doing here?
1:24:55 Wait…so he killed a guy, that guy is dead exclusively because of what that racer did, and all he gets is a foul?
1:26:00 Meanwhile, in the plotline that you definitely don’t care about…
1:27:10 Well, that was easy. Oh, she’s still alive.
1:27:41 How did she get even uglier?! That seems impossible.
1:28:40 Maybe they all stopped racing and instead started playing Twister? Or…maybe they are still racing. Probably that.
1:29:40 Who was that lady, and why was she so cool hanging out with a bunch of robots?
1:31:03 I’m pretty sure it’s not related to that horrible explosion we reported earlier. Seriously, how many veterans can this race have? Pretty much every racer so far has died in a crash.
1:31:51 Well…that was an interesting explosion. I don’t know why it happened.
1:32:40 They just started humping! Right there on the track!
1:33:22 Oh the humanity!
1:33:46 Everyone stop cheering! A blimp is going to crash into the city! Hey! Blimp!
1:34:42 Oh hey look, someone that is obviously human. And of course it’s a trophy girl.
1:35:21 Well that came out of nowhere. Why is he suddenly in love with her?
1:35:59 Where did that mangled claw come from? And why did it have his ring on it?
1:37:41 Joji De Jesus, you are my new favorite Production Bookkeeper. I won’t even question why you are listed right after the voice actors.
Verdict: Man that didn’t make any sense. They wanted way too much; an evil overlord, some ancient evils, a stupid race, a pointless romance plot, and everything just looked awful. Muddy and ugly and pointless. Also, so much death. Seriously, everyone who didn’t win the race DIED!
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