NetFlix Synopsis: This computer-animated version of the beloved children's story gives magical powers to the boots worn by Puss, whose owner is in love with the Princess. The clever cat is instrumental in helping the lad outwit the Princess's other determined suitors.
0:22 This movie is very French. Excessively French.
0:56 The Boots have Eyes!
1:42 Classic Sherlock Holmes villain Professor Moriarty worked on the music for this?
2:39 I witnessed an incredible story, one I have decided to subject onto children. Check out my killer soul patch.
3:22 The queen is DRUNK. And at midday!
4:20 The princess is kicking! And also puts the lime in the coconut, judging by the music.
5:32 The Creole musical influence of the soundtrack seems ridiculous at first, until you realize that yes, this actually is quite stupid.
6:50 Thanks Dad. Thanks for the cat. I’m sure I can totally make a living with it under my stead.
8:54 Also, I’m a fully-dressed cat that talked, which apparently doesn’t faze you. Thanks for the boots, dummie!
9:48 The very act of having shoes makes the cat magical, somehow.
10:58 The princess is upset because someone stole one of her dancing shoes. There is no chance at all that she just lost it.
11:36 Or the fucking cat stole it.
12:49 Yeah, okay, I gave you those boots, so that really doesn’t make you all that special. Also still not at all concerned that you can talk, but whatever.
13:22 The princess has whipped out her best Venus de Milo ninja turtle cosplay. Also, everyone is an idiot if they can’t figure out that is her immediately.
15:18 No seriously, why does she risk her identity to dance in some rundown bar with four customers?
16:20 This cat is the worst wingman.
17:37 Aren’t you the court jester? Look at your hair! And your shoes!
18:19 What’s up, I’m a chimpanzee, I’m a character now.
19:02 Why are we going to the monkey’s house? Does he just have a really nice couch? Does he have an Xbox?
20:27 Whenever someone asks if you know a particular person, respond, “I hope so!” That won’t be confusing.
21:41 What will they say about the princess? That she wears really ineffectively disguises to do what she wants?
22:43 The main character finally realized the titular Puss in Boots is a lunatic, right before the cat puts on a sombrero and dances around.
24:55 The cat is awful at lying. Pro tip: Don’t stutter. It looks very suspicious.
26:30 The queen totally wants to sleep with this guy she has never met before.
27:45 So…if he is lying, he never comes back. That’s really not that great of threat. Also, why did you threaten to kill him?
28:29 Hey, we are also here. I guess we are guards or something.
29:30 This bad guy hates young men because they are young. I don’t even know why I am noting this fact.
30:27 Hanging out with this cat must be like hanging out with a meth addict. He seems to have no control over his actions at all.
31:11 It’s the same person! You’d have to be an idiot not to realize.
31:48 They never bothered to tell us where they were going. I hope it’s over a waterfall.
33:41 And, they are forcefeeding this frog because?
34:14 Haha! The ogre has a wispy bad guy mustache! And tentacle hands!
34:35 Welp! I’m a complete chicken, so I’m leaving. See you later.
35:59 I really want to know why this bad guy hates the court jester. He has done literally nothing to piss this guy off.
37:09 Also, he’s gay, so he’s only looking for male partners. HAHA! This is how I emasculate him.
38:36 Only if you actually go back to the castle! Just…don’t go! Their threat is useless if they never see you again.
39:41 Oh hey, he didn’t drown, well, that’s good luck. Don’t even know how he would drown in two feet of water, but whatever.
40:23 Hey guy, if any plan requires you to strip down in public, maybe don’t go along with it.
41:13 Oh no he might touch me.
42:01 Wait, why didn’t Puss in Boats go to the castle? Did he have something to do, I mean besides magic rollerblading?
42:31 That guy cut off his hand! He’s going to lose a lot of blood!
43:09 Did he just offer to give that frog exactly what you wanted, then refused to do it for no reason?
44:32 Nope, he’s not underneath this pan that is too small for him to fit under.
45:17 Yeah, don’t point at women, it’s rude.
45:39 We won’t ask any questions about why you had it, or even knew that it was missing.
46:30 You don’t tolerate nonsense? Because pretty much everything that happens in your hall is straight nonsense.
47:30 I think the joke there was that the ogre looks like a bad guy. I guess?
48:18 These are X-ray glasses, and she’s just impressed by the size of his penis. And so is the court jester.
49:06 They are going to win her over with a horribly sung song.
49:31 NO HE CAN’T! He sounds awful! Saying it out loud doesn’t make it true.
50:54 What the heck is anyone doing here?
51:23 Is…is he drunk? Or just a lunatic? I’m just going to assume that everyone is drunk.
52:49 So, the princess knows that he’s a liar, and she’s totally okay with it. Great! Where is the conflict then?
53:25 See you later, I gotta swing by my dealer’s place. This party’s getting dull anyway.
54:27 That guy in the background is WAY too excited about this development.
55:36 Does that turtle have a mustache?
56:49 Well, some random farmer said that everyone’s cool in a very suspicious way, so I totally believe him.
57:17 Did…did she suddenly shift into hitting on him? What the hell is going on?
58:03 I don’t know if the princess actually likes him or just wants to see him get killed. What does she think the queen is going to do when she finds out he’s lying?
58:57 Let me inside, or I will totally hiss at you. Holy crap that worked!
59:57 No, I just stand around in here all day. Of course I live here!
1:00:39 Hour seven of awkwardly staring at each other.
1:02:07 Tell them now! What are you waiting for? You know for a fact that you can hang him out to dry and yet you’re just….sitting on the information.
1:03:01 The ogre is depressed because he can’t turn into a terrifying monster.
1:03:57 Just playing my organ for no one for no reason. I’m a character.
1:04:36 Where the hell did all these fish come from?
1:06:05 This was part of the plan, right Puss in Boots? Have an evil squid monster chase through the castle?
1:08:11 The ogre has just been hanging here? Did he stop for tea?
1:08:48 And now why is she singing a song? Is she part of the plan? Did she just feel like singing?
1:10:10 The queen is just wandering around the castle without any explanation for the very obvious lies being told to her.
1:11:04 Hey man, don’t just kick the duck. What did the duck do to you?
1:11:42 They are going to wreck that bed! (That’s why the shoot was set up this way, right?)
1:12:05 He already told you the truth! You already knew the answer!
1:12:37 What happened to this guy? Why did they shave his head and poke out his eye?
1:13:22 I’m still curious where Puss in Boots is getting his magic candy.
1:13:46 Okay, this song is not in the public domain like every other one. You guys are breaking your rules, and you’re going to piss off Sondheim’s estate. (Wait, Sondheim’s still alive…)
1:14:50 They are still trying to introduce conflict? There is five minutes left!
1:15:22 Hey come on buddy, at least put on a tux for your wedding.
1:16:20 Oh damn it the cat is singing again. There should be a law.
1:17:14 So that was my crappy story, don’t ask about any of the plot holes, I refuse to explain them.
1:18:17 Shatner was the cat?! I probably should have figured, but based on the awful, awful voice he was doing, I kinda forgot he was supposed to be in this.
1:19:04 There was a credit for Muses, Inspirations, and So On. I think they put their pot dealer in the credits of this movie.
1:20:33 Oh good, they did credit West Side Story. I was kinda afraid they wouldn’t. They also credited a song called “Just a Gigolo,” so, that’s great.
1:21:15 Hey cat, you forgot your dumb shoes. Those were a present, you dick.
Verdict: Man, Shatner. What the hell was up with that voice? Also, the plot was needlessly padded and nonsensical, the songs were awful, and half the characters were pointless. The animation was pretty good though, expressive, crisp, and I will admit I was quite charmed by the princess’s character design. But it was still goddamn dumb, and I have no idea why any of the characters did anything.
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