Netflix Synopsis: When park rangers capture ambitious, head-of-the-pack wolf pup Kate and happy-go-lucky wolf pup Humphrey, the two wind up in a strange land hundreds of miles from home and must find their way back while battling bears, porcupines and each other.
What kind of park rangers have jurisdiction to transfer captured animals hundred of miles from their homes? That seems like the exact opposite of their duties. Also, we’re almost guaranteed to find out what two wolves kissing looks like.
0:40 Where is that waterfall coming from? It seems to be popping straight out of that giant mountain.
1:29 I was going to say, that doesn’t look like a caribou at all. But they acknowledged they were just playing.
2:12 HUGS! I thought these people were supposed to hate each other.
3:03 Isn’t the alpha wolf the one who is most willing to kill all the others to maintain their power? Who would dedicate a school to that kind of behavior?
4:20 A heart made for love! A heart made for you! I know it isn’t true!
4:43 This is the second time we’ve seen these dummies bobsledding while there is no goddamn snow on the ground. We even had a transition THROUGH winter.
5:46 Are there beta wolves? Kappa wolves? Iota wolves?
6:25 We’ve got company! Take a drink.
6:56 Hurry! Get out of the canyon before your uncle pushes your father off a cliff and tries to make it your fault!
8:41 So, it appears that the job of the Omega wolves is to be comedians and diffuse violence with hijinks?
9:49 Meanwhile, at Not-Pride Rock…
10:03 Way too many fist jabs in this wolf culture.
11:41 Now there is some wolf-like behavior. Murder death kill.
12:28 Wait, you caught some actual meat and you just threw it away? Just eat the squirrels!
14:02 Wait, the bad guys are literally starving and have proposed an alliance, and our heroes are hesitate to take it? What dicks!
14:55 Is…is he checking out his friends?
15:32 Remember, if your date tries to rape you, try to kill him.
16:39 So, I’m confused, it is the 80’s in Wolfland? Their music is dumb and every girl has stupid hair.
17:47 Literally the only thing this wolf girl has done is put a flower in her hair, and suddenly everyone is losing their mind.
19:37 Ho ho! I see what you did there! You tried to emasculate me by implying I’m a different species!
20:44 Is this howl supposed to sound ridiculous? Oh, it is.
22:02 I am kinda confused what the hell is going on with this whole howling ordeal? Is it like a sex thing?
23:30 Animal tranquilizer apparently acts like acid.
23:55 “Pack ‘em up boys, we’re going to Idaho.” The last thing you want to hear!
24:30 Wait…Jasper National Park? But that’s in Canada! (Okay, is this story really about the wolf reintroduction campaign in the 90’s? Because if so, what a dumb thing to base your stupid kid’s movie on.)
25:23 HAHA! It was pee! He drank pee.
25:58 Go ahead, set the wolves free, right here, without any safety procedures in place. I can’t imagine they will turn around and try to kill us.
27:05 Wolves…can apparently survive falls of up to 50 feet.
28:19 Wait, this stupid goose was already on the green? Why the hell is he driving the ball then? Also, why the hell are these birds golfing?
29:00 What is a French Canadian goose doing in Idaho? That is literally thousands of miles from French Canada.
30:38 This is a big dumb action setpiece alright.
31:25 Sawtooth National Forest, where they did, in fact, reintroduce wolves in the 90’s, so sure, this is the plot alright. But good news! The government destroyed the pack that was introduced there in 2002! So all the characters in the movie are already dead!
31:48 Well, if I have to sleep with a beautiful lady, I won’t complain.
32:58 What the hell are they doing to his neck?
33:52 The mom has not yet said a full sentence without threatening someone’s life.
35:46 A bookstore that sold beer?! That is the greatest idea!
37:07 Wait, why is a couple that lives in rural Idaho taking a trip up to a Canadian national park every year? Don’t they kinda have enough nature where they already are?
38:44 This girl should really work on her jokes. I think she’s using her flippant hairstyle to make up for her lack of personality. (Yeah that’s right, I’m judging a wolf teenager. Get over it.)
40:09 Why is she wearing a bra?!
42:02 Took him long enough. He spent two full minutes to pee, after he got sidetracked by a donut.
43:14 Yeah, that will surely stop her from her mission. Doing a dumb dance.
45:13 I have lost track of which way is up. Gravity doesn’t work like this.
46:01 Yeah well, maybe next time you won’t try to cross a river during a thunderstorm, idiot.
47:09 And how did you find us? We went miles out of our way during a rainstorm, we were virtually untrackable.
48:42 Soup’s up! Go ahead and eat all those logs.
49:47 And you have two of them! I was started to doubt it for a second there.
52:14 Quick, explain the situation! Mention how the cub was totally asking for it!
52:56 Why is the black bear the largest? They are usually tinier than grizzlies. This is a needless nitpick.
53:50 How are they above the cloud cover suddenly? They have to be literally thousands of feet up to manage that.
54:43 Actually you never mentioned it! You were just trying to do one of those stereotypical pay-off lines without actually setting it up.
55:52 His flaccid penis kills bluebirds.
57:13 It’s not like there’s a huge social stigma against you howling with me! Let’s just do it, right here, away from our parents!
58:17 Random bluegrassish wailing; not that interesting.
59:09 Oh no! It’s the bad guys! They just kind of appeared out of nowhere!
1:00:16 Huh, what, you idiots are still following us? Seriously, what the hell, guys?
1:01:24 Finally! Some wolves doing wolf-like stuff. I was sick of them bobsledding and singing and whatever.
1:01:55 Hippies, am I right?
1:03:40 HAHAHAHA! What are the odds that the train would pass the standoff at all, much less right then?
1:04:32 Tear off his face, Mom!
1:05:35 Are the wolves dancing? What the hell?
1:07:08 What the? Go away, goose and duck! I am sick of you two every time I see you.
1:08:06 Thinking about getting tranquilized again, maybe with someone who is a little less of a prude this time.
1:09:24 Boy, too bad there is a really stupid rule completely dividing the wolf packs into two distinct groups that promotes inbreeding, otherwise this stupid marriage wouldn’t have to happen.
1:10:52 Oh surprise, she can’t marry him because she loves what‘s-his-name.
1:12:02 There can only be one solution to this unheard-of sexual pairing! Let’s sign a Defense of Marriage Act! I mean bite each other’s faces off.
1:13:05 I thought we already had this scene! And I thought we agreed it ripped off Lion King last time!
1:13:58 How exactly is bobsledding on grass faster than just running?
1:15:08 Oh come on, we know she didn’t die. Don’t prolong this more than you need to.
1:15:50 So…does this mean the entire pack is getting laid? Does this count as a wake orgy? The rules of howling are confusing.
1:16:57 Guys, this is not Lost in Translation. Stop it with the whispering.
1:17:14 Well, I have absolutely nothing to gain from this arrangement, but yeah sure, whatever, let these two love birds do whatever.
1:17:33 Oh good, the Danny Glover wolf finally got to retire. He was getting too…no no, I’m not doing it.
1:19:19 Wait, Dennis Hopper died? Was this really his last movie? Oh that is sad.
1:20:55 Ah, good to know that in a pinch, Christina Ricci can still sound like she’s 12 years old. You know, in case you’re a sick fuck with a Wednesday fetish.
1:25:47 How does one do choreography for a bunch of wolves? Do you get down on all fours? (Oh wait, there was that one scene with human dancers…)
Verdict: Well, that was more dull than anything else. It was a bland flick that padded itself out and didn’t throw a single conflict that was all that interesting. I still don’t know what the deal with the Alphas and Omegas was, that part of wolf culture didn’t make much sense. Shouldn’t ALL wolves be hunters? And if a wolf doesn’t hunt, why keep it around to make shitty jokes and goof off? I can understand not wanting your best warriors to breed with those wackadoos, but why have them around at all if so? And why was Dennis Hopper wolf considered evil? He was just really hungry and old!
No comments:
Post a Comment