The goat is named Goat? That’s racist. Also of note, this movie is rated PG-13, due to sensuality and nudity. Which means we will get to see some computer-generated boobs. You excited? Pervert.
0:06 Pixar? Who’s Pixar? Never heard of them. This isn’t even comparable to a cute desk lamp, it’s an armless ball of fuzz, totally different.
1:12 Wait, Goat is a lady?
1:30 Subtitle: The Old Prague Legends. No joke, just saying.
1:55 Hurray, that horrible thing got hit with a spear!
2:23 There were a bunch of pigs just hanging out in the butcher’s shop. Guess they don’t know.
3:01 That is not how you handle a wagon. Maybe detach the horse before lifting it up in the air?
3:58 So…they pour wine and eggs to make their cement?
4:49 Absolutely every person we’ve seen so far is ugly as shit. I’m now even more worried about the threat of nudity.
5:24 How did the guy manage to skeletonize before they tried to get him out?
6:26 What is this guy doing here? Trying to see the sailboat?
7:03 Is he drunk?
7:25 YEP! Skeleton playing the organ! Not terrifying!
7:48 Oh jesus, this person doesn’t even look human! What is wrong with his nose?
8:13 Oh damn it, there it was. It was a little kid peeing. Why would they animate that?
9:44 Oh no the walking fuzz ball from the beginning is back.
10:00 Is that the devil?!
11:03 I thought this story was about the goat. Goat Story. Why do we keep on focusing on this shmoe with the stupid hat who hasn’t even spoken yet?
12:05 So, Faust, apparently. That explains the devil, I suppose.
13:09 Ghost carriage? I really have no idea what’s going on.
14:34 MY DEAR, they are as big as her head.
15:07 Why was she storing nails in her cleavage?
15:42 The goat is literally jealous of the girl. Like, not even trying to make it subtle.
17:21 Oh this guy isn’t dead. I thought that’s what the deal was with the ghost carriage.
17:54 Wait, was he really carving a statue of her into the support beam? How big of an idiot is this guy?
18:44 See, that’s why you never say “Nothing ever happens.” Suddenly mob, is why.
20:12 Oh okay, the guy is a nerd! That’s why he wandering through the street like a weirdo.
21:00 Was that a slur? Is the goat racist?
21:25 The goat just asked her owner to marry her.
23:00 While squatting in the house that were told was haunted, be sure to explore the staircase that mysteriously appears. It won’t end poorly.
23:56 So, the devil again. Great, maybe leave? What are you doing there?
24:19 “Okay, I throw you out now!”
24:51 Seriously, what the hell is that thing!?
26:31 Hurray we managed to steal one gold! Let’s do the wave!
27:09 She was so distracted by the figurine she found that she just decided not to get paid.
28:01 Take that, the French! You and your abstract impressionism!
28:37 It's lucky I totally ran into someone with the skillset I needed while I was moping around in the street.
29:48 Wait, if you’re willing to eat anything, goat, then why don’t you just eat the plate or whatever? Instead of whining.
30:46 Oh that's a joke! A very unfunny joke!
31:37 Also, she’s human, so we are sexually compatible.
32:25 Guy, it’s the devil. Don’t steal from the devil!
33:19 Hitting these blueprints with a fish will totally ruin them!
33:45 What do you mean roof over your heads? You are sleeping outside!
34:37 This guy is a cheap drunk.
35:06 Put on some pants!
35:35 Sure is good that it only takes like a day to carve literally dozens of statues and construct a complex clock.
37:18 And the officials are using the telescope to perv on a naked chick. Because everyone in this movie is awful.
38:19 HOHOHO! Our childish prank got that guy sent to prison! He might be hung!
39:31 That’s all Prague needs, even more skeletons!
40:13 You see, a fish landed in his mouth, but in case you didn’t get it, some guy said, “Oh, fish in the mouth.”
40:58 A Porky Pig reference.
41:34 The goat is so sad that her master is crushing on a girl that she has decided to drink herself to death.
42:26 That man has no head. No explanation, just….no head.
43:00 Hey guys, maybe check the scale of your characters so they don’t end up next to each other and we realize his hand is literally three times larger than hers.
43:56 The nerd has signed a contract with the devil, because some people treated him like a jerk.
45:15 The goat just tried the old “I’m so drunk, you guys. Oops, I fell on top of you, what are the odds?” trick.
46:18 Why is the architect standing all the way over there? Do they not like him?
46:47 Enjoy these racist caricatures, everyone. Chinese people, am I right?
47:39 This is pretty impressive, considering that only two people were working on it and had absolutely no time to get it done.
48:40 That has to be the sixth time they’ve show that one shot of the devil laughing to himself behind a hand of cards. It’s not that impressive, guys.
49:21 Guys, seriously, get those racist portrayals out of my face. Don’t make them actual characters.
50:27 They are totally doing it!
51:45 So she sneaks into the cemetery and steals nails. Just as I guessed thirty minutes ago but didn’t bother to mention because it was not that interesting of a plot point.
52:52 HAHAHAHA! I will further my mentor’s career! HAHAHAHA!
53:46 These five officials had a portrait of them all standing around looking creepy painted. They have fun together.
54:23 HEY! That’s your friend! You know him! Put it together.
54:54 They are going to assassinate this old man for the crime of, what exactly? Wanting to take his services elsewhere?
55:40 He took the fact that someone came to kill him really well.
56:12 Wait, I thought he got stabbed. What is he doing walking around?
56:34 Oh never mind, they just blinded him. That sure will prevent him from taking another job.
57:39 And in an act of revenge, he broke the clock. That’ll show ‘em!
58:13 Hey guys, maybe don’t let the mob come pouring in after you? Do your job as guards, eh?
58:35 And the goat is totally cool with the fact that the girl he’s jealous of is being dragged away in chains for a crime she didn’t commit. Because she’s a bitch.
59:54 This story just got really dark. Okay, so, darker, I guess. The devil is a character in this, after all.
1:00:47 That lady just fell out the window! I will laugh at that!
1:01:20 Did the goat really eat all the plans to the clock? Why is the story about this terrible creature again?
1:02:56 Maybe this is a story about the damages of alcoholism.
1:03:18 Is…is the wench hitting on the goat? (eyebrow)
1:04:08 Hold up, making a deal with the devil means the devil might show up and take my soul? I didn’t sign up for this!
1:05:15 The lady really wants to sleep with this female goat! There is no other way to interpret this scene!
1:07:03 Oh Christ, the goat is in drag. It has watermelons shoved down the dress it is wearing for some terrible reason.
1:08:10 Everyone is really mad at her for no reason!
1:08:40 Has he been running down the street throwing his money away for the past ten hours?
1:09:35 Um…nothing. She is being executed for reasons that are unrelated to the terrible things you’ve done.
1:10:52 How did that lady get her dress back? I guess she has two of them?
1:11:35 What if I put this single missing gear in the only spot where it will fit? That might work!
1:12:34 She got hung anyway! Happy endings are for suckers!
1:13:54 All I am asking is bring back my girlfriend from the dead, is that really too much, God?
1:14:52 Oh never mind, it looks like the goat was hung in her place. How they didn’t notice that she was not human way before she was killed is beyond me.
1:15:45 Oh, she’s okay! Because she put a tube down her throat so she could still breathe! Even though you usually die from hanging by your neck snapping!
1:16:32 Wait, the nerd is still alive? But everything terrible that happened was completely his fault! Where is the comeuppance?
1:18:34 For some more lighthearted fun, here are some people in cages for crimes they likely didn’t commit! Hoho!
1:20:48 This guy is furious that he was in this movie!
Verdict: That was awful. The character design was terrible, the plot was nonsensical, it keep throwing random shit at us, and the main character was completely unlikable. I couldn’t figure why anyone did anything. Why did the apprentice take revenge on his master? Why did the master break the clock? Why did the council think the sculptor could fix the clock? Why were they going to kill that lady for something she didn’t do rather than the very real crime of desecrating graveyards that she did dozens of times? Why was there a goat in a dress? And why did we have to see that horrifying child’s penis like five times but they were coy with showing us a naked lady? So skeeved out right now.
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