LAST TIME: Surprise surprise the government is putting together a team of superheroes. This plot hasn’t been done like a few dozen times. We are introduced to a crew of people who are not quite but close enough expies of DC heroes, and we get to see the gritty Marvel treatment of them, so…I guess the Flash might make out with a dude? I don’t know. Also, George W. Bush is in this.
Page 1, Panel 1: I don’t like those crazy eyes that the lady on the top is giving me. I also don’t know how that counts as a superhero costume.
Page 2, Panel 2: Have you looked under the table? This place is brandnew, how did we lose the remote already?
Page 3, Panel 3: Hey guys, I think this lady who apparently doesn’t own a full shirt is supposed to be the bitchy one.
Page 4, Panel 6: Such a thrilling superhero story: an entire page of them filling out paperwork!
Page 5, Panel 2: Unneeded masturbation joke, take a drink.
Page 6, Panel 3: That is some pretty bad poetry. Also, they couldn’t bother to give him ruled paper?
Page 6, Panel 4: She’s sexy, you see. Who doesn’t love lounging in their bed in a constraining paperthin silk dress?
Page 6, Panel 6: Here you go, person who lives exclusively in water and is gauranteed to be wet. A stack of papers for you to read! We’ll just set them down by the side of this pool.
Page 7, Panel 2: Oh, one of those all-purpose magic chemicals that give random people random superpowers with no rhyme or reason. I love those.
Page 7, Panel 6: And of course, this guy has obviously had great success in his interactions with women. (Ah dang, now I’m making jokes at his expense.)
Page 8, Panel 1: That’s the most recent African tragedy you could think of? 1994?
Page 8, Panel 4: This guy gets both mind powers and invulnerability? Ah that is just unfair.
Page 9, Panel 2: But, because we are probably a bunch of fuck-ups who haven’t even trained together yet, I imagine a lot of folks are going to die.
Page 10, Panel 2: Would you mind too terribly if I talk down to you and give you a condescending codename?
Page 10, Panel 7: Okay, this lady is probably literally insane. She thinks she is two people, she’s anti-social, and we haven’t even been told what her superpowers are, so they must not be that powerful. Why do they keep her around? So they have a pretty face on the team?
Page 11, Panel 2: Oh she can fly! Well!
Page 12, Panel 2: This guy makes sense! Why are they take people who have absolutely no combat training to a war zone?
Page 12, Panel 5: And I now completely hate the dumb fat character. There is no reason why he couldn’t have interacted with the fish lady like an actual human being.
Page 13, Panel 3: Asshole you didn’t even want to be here six minutes ago, why do you suddenly want to be in charge?
Page 13, Panel 4: Moby noooo!
Page 14, Panel 1: How is that guy on fire?!
Page 16, Panel 2: We get it! She’s a bad guy! Double agent, saboteur, whatever. Give the Flash guy a goddamn line!
Page 16, Panel 3: This lady needs to work on her catty nicknames. Needs to be punchy, Midriff.
Page 17, Panel 4: The logistics of this machete scene are suspect. Also, who in the DC universe is a heroic Blob?
Page 18, Panel 2: Wait, why does her combat uniform have even less covering? I mean besides the shitty sexist reasons.
Page 19, Panel 2: Oh good, they did give him a line, but only because he’s the black guy. Fuck this writing.
Page 19, Panel 5: Yeah yeah, blah blah, that is not a good or interesting point.
Page 20, Panel 5: They are literally just killing everyone for no reason. Just send in a goddamn assassination team, dicks.
Page 21, Panel 4: Are you here, my girlfriend who is most comfortable in water, in this burning village that appears to be miles from the nearest river?
Page 22, Panel 2: He doesn’t go into detail about what he commands women to do, but you can probably guess…
Page 22, Panel 3: Oh boy we get to the see the “heroes” punch each other. Hoo-ray.
Verdict: Too much talking, too much bullshit. This is really the first mission they get sent on? With absolutely no supervision? And you send your entire crew after a guy who they know has mind control powers? Half of these team members aren’t even loyal to the government, since they were drafted, and at least three members are useless on the field. I was also right in my concern that they couldn’t handle a team this huge, as I can count on two hands characters who got less than a page of focus. Hell, two characters didn’t show up at all.
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