Because that’s what I want to learn about during the holidays: blindly following instructions. Also, do any of these robots look like letters to you?
0:01 Special Report: Something terrible is going to happen.
0:10 They got the drunkest guy in the office to play the part of Santa.
0:42 Santa is goddamn booking it. He’s moving at, what, 8000 mph?
1:10 North of Philly Inc. We’re not even cool enough to live in Philadelphia.
1:28 Who the fuck are the Alpha Bots you ask? Shut up and just watch, dumbo.
2:10 Yeah…we just heard about this. Could we talk about something else?
2:54 Apparently none of these houses are good enough to get gifts from Santa. Or they’re all Muslim or something.
3:27 Oh what seriously, live action?
4:15 Yep, that’s what nightmares look like. Like a creepy robot.
4:48 Next year, I’ll make sure to neuter the Alpha-Bots so they follow instructions better.
6:03 They have that huge fireplace and they can’t afford an actual Christmas tree? That thing is like three feet tall.
6:49 So every Alpha-Bot escaped captivity and will now roam America “playing.” Great plan, Santa Claus.
8:13 Or we’re going to stand outside your window and guilt trip you into joining our gang.
8:59 So…they are just going to fly around this CGI hellhole for hours, huh?
9:57 You left the other robot like five minutes ago. Of course he’s still just sitting in his box.
10:44 One of the robots literally said, “I’m flying around.”
11:40 Brainy Smurf?
12:10 They have a default game mode? What on Earth does that mean?
13:15 Are they just going to introduce us to all these stupid robots that look not at all like the letters they are supposed to represent? What is with these designs?
14:35 K bot is a German, R bot is a gangster, T bot is Jason from Home Movies, W bot is Beevis. Just reporting the facts as I see them.
15:00 Oh Christ, and now they are forming all the letters in formation and just stating the names of the letters. How long is this going to take?
16:01 If the Alpha-Bots can only teach you the alphabet by flying in formation, then what the hell use was it to only give one to each child?
17:05 Are they really under the impression that someone could grasp the concept of Santa Claus but doesn’t know the goddamn alphabet? This should not take this long!
18:32 Even the robot stating each letter is getting bored with this bullshit.
19:50 Four minutes, 50 seconds. That’s how long it literally took to do that. That’s how I spent five minutes of my life.
20:35 And now all the robots are writhing on the floor like they’ve been poisoned. Well, I’m satisfied.
21:19 Oh crap, are you using this opportunity to go through the entire alphabet again?
21:53 Now you’ll all be punished in the lake of fire!
22:20 Oh crap! I don’t think they’re actually going to solve the problem! They just zoomed away like, “Yeah, your problem now, dumbass.”
23:05 So…the North Star is the announcer from earlier?
24:12 So, how does this box recharging thing work? Is the box magic? Is it like one of the pads you can put your iPhone on? Is there proper instructions to make sure the kids don’t throw the box away?
25:09 This sure is a pleasant sound I need to heard 25 times.
25:58 And O-bot is very stingy with his praise!
27:01 Someone is actually claiming to have written that?! There was absolutely no conflict.
Verdict: Oh man that was pointless. Not even mildly funny pointless. The time wasted just introducing each dumb robot and having them spell out the alphabet was torture to sit through. I know this is for young stupid children, but I just cannot feel good about forcing a toddler to watch this.
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