Moeyo Ken - Episode 8: "Dyed in the Color of a Girl"

So………pink?

LAST TIME: After several unsuccessful attempts to hook up what’s-his-face with who-cares, they turn to a literal god to do it, which ends in kind of an awesome kaiju fight. And now we move on! Right? Moving on?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Issue 4: "The Long Way Home Part 4"

Yeah, those are what those characters look like. Good job. Although I am not sure her thumb is exactly is the right spot. I don’t know, I’ve never held a person before.

LAST TIME: Willow shows up and stops the zombies by making them dance, apparently, and they capture Amy and wake up Buffy. However, it was a trap, and Amy captures Willow so she can be tortured by that guy she killed. Oh, and some minor character shows up and is pointless.

Persons Unknown - Episode 4: "Exit One"

Hurray someone gets shot in the chest or something. Let it be Used Car Salesman, because screw that guy!

LAST TIME: After an unsuccessful attempt to burrow out of town or something, the group is overcome with paranoia over a gas attack, which ends up hurting those who thought they were safe! Ho ho, the irony. Also I guess that douche bag reporter is actually the mother’s deadbeat husband, I don’t care.

Moeyo Ken - Episode 7: "The Direction of Love is Left to the Gods"

Oh good, so we are giving up on the bullshit “get the main character to fall in love with the waitress” plot. Hopefully. I mean, it has only KILLED THEM once. I can’t see how this ridiculous plan can backfire any harder.

LAST TIME: One of the heroine’s mother is a fox spirit and also is a huge con artist, as she tries to steal some artifacts for some reason, but another fox spirits goes nuts and kidnaps and everyone, and in the end, nothing changes and we get on with our lives.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Issue 3: "The Long Way Home Part 3"

I am trying to focus on the non-sexy parts of this cover so…black fingernails, Willow? Really?

LAST TIME: The Slayer Castle gets attacked by zombies and Buffy is out-of-commission due to some Sleeping Beauty spell cast by Amy. A bunch of talking also happens, and then Willow shows up.

Persons Unknown - Episode 3: "The Way Through"

You mean a way through that weird light that immediately sent them back to the start, just like going the wrong way in a video game maze? I usually just go straight to the Internet, because screw that.

LAST TIME: Our extremely paranoid crew try to murder a guy, then yell at some Chinese people, then try to escape once again only to have it fail miserably. Meanwhile, some people who do not matter have sex with each other.

Nap Time

Josh Interprets... is on hold until further notice. Performing some restructuring or whatever excuse you will accept.

Persons Unknown - Episode 2: "The Edge"

Are we living on it? Already? It’s only episode 2. Give us somewhere to go, guys.

LAST TIME: Seven people are kidnapped and proceed to freak the hell out! Pointing weapons at literally everyone they meet. Threatening Chinese food restaurant workers. Keeping secrets from each other for no reason. Pandemonium.

Moeyo Ken - Episode 6: "Feelings Shining in the Glow of Sunset"

The mildly sexual phrases will continue until morale improves!

LAST TIME: Our main character is once again manipulated into trying to fall in love with some lady, and he goddamn dies! But luckily he knows a monster who can resurrect him, so…good on that. Also, there is a robot.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Issue 2: "The Long Way Home Part 2"

Yeah, I could look awesome too if I had an eye patch and a bitchin’ leather jacket. Which inexplicably has the logo for the comic on the sleeve. Is that going to be a thing? The logo being intergrated into the scene? Because that’s not that interesting.

LAST TIME: Buffy is still Buffy, doing what she do, Dawn is now 50-feet-tall for some reason, everyone is being pissy to each other, and Amy (remember Amy?) is now a bad guy, I guess. I don’t know! Buffy!

Persons Unknown - Episode 1: "Pilot"

Next mildly supernatural TV show! This was in my Instant Queue, so, I guess this was the next thing I’m watching. I don’t know, it feels very 9 doors 9 persons 9 hours (which I still need to get around to playing), so…that’s cool, I guess? Let’s get going. People trapped in a single room for a good 10 hours.

Moeyo Ken - Episode 5: "Make My Heart Race"

Can this show stop coming on to me? It’s just getting creepy at this point. Listen, anime, I’m just not that into you. I’m sorry!

LAST TIME: Our main idiot becomes a sponsor to a prostitute by suggesting she do the can-can instead of her crappy stand-up routine. Also a bunch of nonsense and maybe the prostitute murdered a bunch of people? It got way too wacky for me to really track what was actually going on.

Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - Issue 1: "The Long Way Home Part 1"

This will be an unpopular decision. But, it’s time to take on an independent series, and I don’t have a ton of faith in the Buffy comic book, after everything I’ve heard about it. (Air sex, mainly.) Also, Faith, get it? Anyway, please don’t stab me for making fun of something that is mildly beloved.

The Gates - Episode 13: "Moving Day"

So, we’re leaving? Okay sure, screw all these vampires or whatever. Let’s just…leave.

LAST TIME: The owner guy, apparently not dead, wants to become a vampire, and everyone is mad about it. But eventually he does it anyway, but ends up with poisoned blood and decides to kill himself because? I really didn’t understand the conflict. Anyway, it seems everyone is prepared to just put all this bullshit behind them.

Moeyo Ken - Episode 3: "For Sport and Play I Think We Were Born"

Yeah…sure…um…so, either give me like, three hits of what you got or I’m gonna bounce. No no, I’m sure you’re right, but…

LAST TIME: Everyone goes to a hot spring, and someone this ends up with everyone traveling to the center of the Earth and seeing dinosaurs? Listen, I don’t really know what’s going on. I’m kinda out of my depth when it is supposed to be funny. “Supposed to.”

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 4

So, apparently I really hate this book, because every time I think, "Oh, I should probably finish that last issue," I just...can't. I have been putting this crap off for a goddamn week. Sorry for the wait, here it is. Eat it in. More Transformers bullshit.

LAST TIME: Transformers bullshit.

The Gates - Episode 12: "Bad Moon Rising"

Oh okay, so werewolf subplot, which isn’t exactly all that exciting, will be wrapping up. Well, I hope someone dies! Anyone?

LAST TIME: The sheriff is haunted by a river ghost of that girl who died in front of him half a season ago. It gets really scary there until the ghost decides not to get vengeance on him for some reason. It’s not superclear why. Also, the succubus gets her boyfriend back for no reason. Hopefully they are never mentioned again.

Moeyo Ken - Episode 3: "Let Your Skin Glow in the Steam"

Can I…not? Is there a non-glowing option? Is that extra? I’ll pay extra. Listen, I really don’t want anyone to know I’m here, okay?

LAST TIME: The main character wants to go back to China, so everyone freaks out and decided to brew a love potion to force him to stay, because asking him was out of the question. Anyway, the love potion accidently hits an octopus, who goes on a rampage, and is stopped, and whatever.

The Gates - Episode 11: "Surfacing"

Yeah, no clue. I’m not even sure what that means in the context of the show! Were they all underwater the whole time? Is that the twist?

LAST TIME: The vampire’s child was stolen from them by the only other vampire we care about. Turns out he gave her back to her family, who had been illegally squatting in her childhood home and were immediately okay with having her back in their life. Also the succubus confesses that she is a succubus to mopeypants, but he’s like nah.

Moeyo Ken - Episode 2: "Touch a Maiden's Hair"

Well, this got gross fast.

LAST TIME: Some dude goes home to Kyoto to hang out with a bunch of crazy ladies and a giant turtle monster attacks. Also, a whole bunch of names ending with vowels are said, in a way that makes me think we were supposed to be paying attention!

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 3

Where are the childrens’ hand holding up these sweet action figures? And who is making the pew pew noises?

LAST TIME: The Transformers get the Avengers to calm their shit with some magical technology thing, and then they stand around for over 14 hours trying to tear down a wall. Eventually something happens and Iron Man shows up.

The Gates - Episode 10: "Little Girl Lost"

You can tell this is an edgy show because they uses the super cool “Adjective Noun Adjective” for their show title instead of the less ridiculous sounding “Adjective Adjective Noun.”

LAST TIME: Some fakey FBI agent shows up to smoke out all the vampires, and the sheriff tries to stop her for some reason, then changes his mind, and she gets killed probably. The sheriff’s son moves onto a new girl, and good for him, and apparently that guy who was killed episode before last actually got away and has kidnapped a child.

Moeyo Ken: Episode 1 - "Welcome Home"

Netflix Synopsis: Set in an alternate version of the Meiji era, this wacky anime series follows Yuuko Kondou, Toshie Hijikata and Kaoru Okita, daughters of former members of the legendary samurai Shinsengumi team. Following in their fathers' footsteps, the three young women work to protect Japan from evil forces. But modern-day problems -- including a chronic lack of funds -- and surreal adversaries make the job much tougher than it was for their fathers.

So, let’s move onto something with a bit less leering, a bit more swordplay. Also, rollercoasters, apparently. I’m cool with that, roller coasters are neat enough. Wish I knew what on earth the Meiji era was, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to both to look it up.

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 2

For some reason the cover artist was under the impression that Wolverine is actually a dog. Like a bulldog. Look at him, it's so cute.

LAST TIME: The Avengers were all huge dicks to each other, and then the Transformers showed up and were as awesome as possible, because of course Transformers are better than your stupid comic book heroes.

The Gates - Episode 9: "Identity Crisis"

In this episode, they are going to spice up the backstory with some rape, kill the wife of one of my favorite characters for a stupid reason, and then everyone will be mad at each other for no reason. Yeah, I do reference DC comics too much.

LAST TIME: The alpha wolf gets beat up and it causes some serious shit, including the sheriff figuring out werewolves exist and being totally okay with burying the secret. The vampires have a tiff, and it ends with one of them being murdered. And the succubus broke up with her boring boyfriend. So no idea what this one will be about.

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 26: "Cross and Family and a Vampire"

Wait, you mean they might revisit those two other vampire sisters that they mentioned for like five seconds and completely forgot about in episode 15? There will be actual plot, instead of just endless panty shots. I really hope so.

LAST TIME: The vampire sacrifices herself really quickly at the start of the episode, then we spend 20 minutes dicking around. Then the main character decides to do something, finally, and now the show is almost over. Hurray!

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 1

PFFFFFFF okay I will read this comic book where the Avengers meet the Transformers. I mean, what a novel concept in the 80’s. What’s that? This came out in 2008? When people should no longer care about Transformers? Well alright then.

In some corners of the nerd community, this cover appears above the caption “My Two Dads.”

The Gates - Episode 7: "Dog Eat Dog"

So, werewolf-heavy plot, got it. I sure hope all transformations happen behind random construction equipment.

LAST TIME: The sheriff and the vampire stop some kind of murder, which was happening for reasons I didn’t understand. The succubus got back together with the werewolves, and the witch is totally doing something you guys. She might be evil! Maybe!

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 25: "Holy Seal and a Vampire"

Ah, Saint Hoover, may he rest in peace. Wait, that’s probably not what they are talking about.

LAST TIME: There was this wacky mirror that forces everyone to convert to their monster side, except the girls, of course, it just made them super horny. Then there were two vampires for a while, and then there weren’t, and suddenly the Great Barrier went down for some reason. I’m sure you are all on pins and needles to find out what that means!

The Search for Ray Palmer: "Superwoman/Batwoman"

It is unfortunate that DC only numbers their universes up to the number 52, because otherwise this would obviously be Earth-63! Haha, oh, obvious joke. You make my job so easy.

LAST TIME: In Soviet Russia, Superman tries to kill you! A lot of dumb stuff happened, and Batman exploded himself and wore a stupid hat, and then our team managed to escape despite there being no reason why they should have been able to. Anyway, it was dumb.

The Gates - Episode 7: "Digging the Dirt"

Well, yeah. You dig dirt. What else would you dig? Come on, this is a basic saying. Everyone knows this. Dirt gets dug. You digging? If you are pulling up anything but dirt, I don’t know what to tell you. DIRT.

LAST TIME: Someone dies and it looks like a vampire crime, so the sheriff pesters the shit out of his vampire friend until it becomes obvious she died the regular way. Also, witch is up to some mischief, and succubus teenager is still being a goddamn teenager. And I guess blackmail, whatever.

Kiara the Brave

In this animated adventure unrelated to the feature film Brave, Princess Kiara is determined to save her father, King Maximus, who's been kidnapped by his power-hungry brother. With a friend in tow, fearless Kiara sets off on an epic quest.

See? See, it says so right in the description. Totally unrelated. Don’t know why you thought this might be related to this last summer’s blockbuster. What’s wrong with you? Are you on drugs?

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 24: "Lilith's Mirror and a Vampire"

Is Lilith’s Mirror a thing? Should I recognize that? Because it sounds like an item you would find in a Castlevania game, and I’m not sure that’s what they intended.

LAST TIME: The bat decided that he was sick of not being awesome and uses some undefined magic to turn into a human and seduces literally everyone with magic. Of course, the status quo is restored, but in a hilarious fashion that almost made it all worth it. Almost.

The Search for Ray Palmer - Red Son

I think they are overreacting to this street graffiti. I mean, it’s just Superman with a hammer and sickle on his chest, plus some really sloppy block lettering. When in Russia, guys.

LAST TIME: Our “heroes” go to the Gaslight universe, where everything is old-timey, and they participate in a little cosplay, and eventually one of them turns into a vampire, and they fix it somehow. It didn’t make a lot of sense, but the Blue Beetle showed up, and that’s all I care about.

The Gates - Episode 6: "Jurisdiction"

Oh sweet, maybe this episode will have a map showing exactly where The Gates is and its relationship to everywhere else. It’s…obviously it’s own town, it has police and everything, but also there’s a wall surrounding it, and I’m never ever sure when someone is in the town or not. It’s confusing.

LAST TIME: The sheriff is just kinda okay with knowing vampires exist, and everyone forgets about that murder that happened, except the owner of the time, who has tapes of everyone doing evil stuff. Oh, and succubus girl doesn’t want to take her medication for no reason.

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 23: "Pretty Boy and a Vampire"

Oh good, we didn’t have enough anime stereotypes at this point. Anything to take the focus off the shitty love hexagon. Everyone fall in love with the grey-haired man-child.

LAST TIME: Everyone goes on a skiing vacation, everyone is obnoxious, and our main character tries to figure out why the younger sister vampire doesn’t like him. Maybe it’s because he has no personality? Naw, can’t be that.

The Search for Ray Palmer: Gotham by Gaslight

Oh look, more Godzilla Batman. Haven’t we had this cover already, giant Batman? And haven’t all of these so far been about Batman in some way? Midnighter (Wildstorm Batman) got the most play in the first issue, Issue 2 was all about the Jokester (Evil Batman’s arch-nemesis), and Issue 3 was all vampire Batman. Let’s stop talking about Batman, guys. Not all possible worlds have Batman.

LAST TIME: Our heroes are idiots and helped some poor guy get killed by vampire Batman, and then felt really bad about it without even acknowledging that it was all their fault. Also, vampire Batman.

The Gates - Episode 5: "Repercussions"

DAMN RIGHT! Were you guys even paying attention last time?

LAST TIME: THE SHERIFF KNOWS VAMPIRES EXIST! I don’t know what else I need to tell you. Pulling back the curtain is a pretty big deal a third of the way through the season. Oh, and I guess that cute girl was actually a psychopath, whatever.

Audible

I had slipped behind in my lead time, and I have an event this coming weekend, so...no posts this week. I'll get caught up for next week, sorry.

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 22: "Skiing and a Vampire"

Another vacation? They just had one! I worry for the monster education system; there are going to be a lot of monsters left behind.

LAST TIME: A lot of “cute” little stories, most of them panty related. Some spotlights on little exposed characters, which is fine until you are reminded that those characters suck. Oh also, apparently there is this huge magic battery that is keeping the school safe that is almost guaranteed to fail by the end of the series.

The Search for Ray Palmer: Red Rain

Well this is a deliriously stupid cover. Serious, what in all hells is going on? We have this weird vampire Batman, while Green Lantern does Green Lantern shit and it just makes the whole thing look a special Christmas issue. These colors can’t mix like this, guys. I don’t care if they are opposing colors, they have a very specific place in the gestalt. The American consciousness immediately starts singing Jingle Bells when you do this.

LAST TIME: Some jackass named Jokester is kind of a superhero, opposing Owlman on Earth-3 in the goofiest and most pointless way possible. His life is stupid, but our heroes help his escape his dumb planet. Good for them.

The Gates - Episode 4: "The Monster Within"

Really guys? You couldn’t come up with a show title that was at least marginally more creative. I mean, not only is this the most obvious title, but you had a title pretty much identical to this one not two episodes ago. You think people who were ripping off True Blood but with more monsters would have an original thought!

LAST TIME: There was a crime spree, and this charming gated community became a police state there for a bit. Meanwhile, werewolf gets broken up with by his succubus girlfriend, and vampire wife is still annoying and pointless. I’m glad everyone is a different kind of monster so they are easy to identify.

Esther: The Girl Who Became Queen

Netflix Synopsis: After she is chosen to be queen, young Esther has to intervene on behalf of her people when her husband, the king, is tricked into having them all sent away to the Island of Perpetual Tickling, in this episode based on the Biblical book of Esther.

What’s that, a Biblical story with a female protaganist? I can’t imagine what could go wrong here! Yeah sure, I’ll do another VeggieTales. Mainly because that goddamn tomato isn’t on the cover. I hate that sanctimonious dick. Plus, I’m lazy this week, and I’d rather pad than do nothing at all like I have done every other week.

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 21: "Youth and a Vampire"

You keep this show away from children. This show would mess a child up.

LAST TIME: Our main character tries to get away from the constant harauging and just see his family, but nope, can’t even do that. All the girls show up anyway and give his mom a heart attack. Eventually they all fight, and nothing gets resolved.

The Search for Ray Palmer: Crime Society

Something seems off about the Joker. Is it the hair? Also, isn’t this supposed to be happening on an alternate Earth? None of these people look any different.

LAST TIME: Our heroes went to the Wildstorm universe and were just dicks to everyone. Also, a bunch of people we don’t know did some stuff that probably means something? I’m not sure.

The Gates - Episode 3: "Breach"

That’s a gross word. Nothing should ever breach anything if boats aren’t involved.

LAST TIME: The Sheriff solves the murder of the old sheriff somehow, though that guy was probably framed. The vampire gives the witch blood, which she needs, I guess, and the teenage girl is turning into a succubus. I just realized, all they need to do is add an ice girl and the show will have the exact same cast as the anime I’m watching as well!

Legend of the Sea

NetFlix Synopsis: Prince Draco must evolve into a Dragon King in order to protect his kingdom from the evil octopus Ocho -- who has recently been freed from captivity and is seeking revenge -- in this animated adventure film starring Rob Schneider.

STOP! Just…just stop. Way to try and bury the bad news, synopsis. At least the cover warns you up front.

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 20: "Bathroom and a Vampire"

I…I really could not care. This seems gross and I don’t want to watch, but as long as a toilet doesn’t come to life, I’ll be happy.

LAST TIME: The team goes to Kyoto, and everyone is obnoxious and needy. They fight a gang of idiots, and somehow the vampire becomes their leader? I’m going to assume that plot point will never be mentioned again.

The Search for Ray Palmer: Wildstorm

One thing I like about the DC universe is their whole 52 different universes bit that was brought back a few years ago, after all the universes were collapsed into one in Crisis on Infinite Earths. I know Marvel has it too, I guess, but DC gives it a lot more pomp. What I don’t like is how little they did with it after they reintroduced the multiverse; there were no books set in those universes before the reboot last year, and the only time anyone actually wandered those universes was…this book. Well, books. For some reason, each issue in the trade I have is Issue 1 of a series that never happened. Why weren’t they all one-shots? Who knows?

Anyway, this cover is stupid, because it has Grifter on it, and Grifter is stupid.

The Gates - Episode 2: "What Lies Beneath"

It’s a monster, isn’t it? It’s probably a monster.

LAST TIME: Some guy becomes the police chief of this planned community that is apparently just full of goddamn werewolves. His son has a crush on a lady, and his daughter is a wiseass. Some vampires murdered someone and did a pisspoor job of covering it up, and some witches have a pissy whinefest? In retrospect, a lot happened.

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 19: "School Trip and a Vampire"

Oh good, another case of them trying to pretend to act human and having no idea how. Fish out of water stories always not completely boring as hell and forced.

LAST TIME: Curry zombies. Still not over how completely ridiculous and awesome that was. Oh, if only every episode was curry zombies.

Son of Hulk - Issue 17 - "Fortunate Son"

Huh. You know, when I proclaimed revenge against this massive planet-eating deity, I thought he would be…smaller. I don’t now why I thought that. I’m pretty dumb.

LAST TIME: Everything explodes! Heads, airships, guns, probably a squirrel. Then Galactus shows up looking like a jerk and Hiro acts like a huge dick.

The Gates - Episode 1: "Pilot"

Netflix Synopsis: Ah, life in suburbia: neatly mown lawns, tidy McMansions cowering behind securely locked gates: This is the life Nick (Frank Grillo) longs for, and this is the life he gets when he signs on as police chief in a planned community. Too bad his neighbors aren't human. With wolves in sheeps' clothing -- or more accurately werewolves and witches -- all around him, the new chief has his hands full protecting the community in this supernatural drama.

Wolves in sheeps’ clothing, get it?! With a title like the Gates, and from the trailer I saw a couple of years ago, I was assuming this was a True Blood clone, so it would be vampires. But I guess changing to werewolves proves it as a clone, I guess. This also might be the first show I’ve done on here in which I don’t recognize any of the actors. That will cut down on all my good “previous works” jokes. Because everyone loved those.