LAST TIME: Some guy becomes the police chief of this planned community that is apparently just full of goddamn werewolves. His son has a crush on a lady, and his daughter is a wiseass. Some vampires murdered someone and did a pisspoor job of covering it up, and some witches have a pissy whinefest? In retrospect, a lot happened.
0:04 Something is going to jump out of the woods and kill that deer. I’ve seen Twilight multiple times, I know how this works.
0:47 Yep, nothing at all creepy about hanging out naked in the woods with your father, covered in blood.
1:19 Cameras everywhere, all of my actions recorded, sounds nice!
2:18 You can tell it’s been a long night because the sun is out and everyone is awake now.
3:29 Or maybe you are a creepy robot! What 13-year-old talks like this?
3:50 Someone is this show actually has the last name Cullen.
4:26 Or maybe your rule is dumb and unnecessary and only exists to keep secrets from the rest of the family?
5:11 Do the families of regular police always act so dramatic when something that cannot possibly affect them happens?
5:51 So the blood in one random vein in your back isn’t getting enough oxygen! I’m sure it’ll be fine in a week.
6:23 DUDE! She’s totally hitting on you! Go with it!
6:48 Vampires really have nothing better to do than wander around their houses in nightgowns.
7:40 You know, for sex reasons.
8:32 I never understand why modern vampires always just have the ability to randomly grow fangs so you won’t forget they are vampires.
9:04 I mean, it’s only been a day and she hasn’t officially broken up with you yet, but you are a dumb guy for still liking that lady.
9:25 No it doesn’t! That totally looks like blue veins! No way can you interpret that as a rash!
10:27 They seemed to have suggested that there were more than three police officers in this town, but I haven’t seen any evidence yet.
12:24 I didn’t think you drive a $70,000 SUV period. That shit is untenable.
13:03 She seems to think witches and vampires exists, what a crazy lady.
13:50 I think this lady say the character description and saw a B as the first letter instead of a W.
14:50 The man has a point. If the body wasn’t found in the town…then why the hell are the police in town investigating this?
15:50 And she bleeds the shit all over her sleeves.
16:35 Why are they seated in completely different places? Seating assignments are usually static. Why do I care?
17:45 It’s because they understand I’m an unstoppable primal force of destruction, you know that.
18:21 And this stupid werewolf dropped the dumb l-word. Stupid werewolf.
19:04 You just keep on cutting up that sheep as if this isn’t the creepiest fucking thing ever.
19:57 Because I am a complete control freak who probably beats his son.
20:33 And there’s the beating! That was quick.
21:51 I don’t mean to listen in, but I’m sitting right here and I have ears, so it was kind of impossible.
22:54 Was the police officer covered in blood? Commas, guys.
24:01 They are going to have tea!
24:36 Come on, guy, if you don’t want your wife to murder people, maybe don’t make her a murder machine.
25:00 I’m going to blame you for something that is totally not your fault!
25:35 I am extremely suspicious of all this noise that is happening and I have a beard!
26:25 You might want to go along with it! The special treat is sex!
26:53 Why would a werewolf murder a guy with a gun?
27:42 Also, you teleport at random and it is goddamn freaky.
28:26 Really? You paid $10,000 to get rid of a vandalism charge that would likely go away by the time he turned 18?
29:18 The official mascot of the town is the Ravens. Yeah, I thought it would be the Timberbacks too.
29:52 Which is totally something that I care about, because I have no life of my own and take on all my husband’s problems.
31:33 They mentioned the goddamn SUV again.
31:54 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The teenage girl is turning into a succubus. Apparently that is something you can do!
32:50 How is she riding a horse as a prissy teenager without wearing that stupid hat?
33:24 Many people have suffered serious injuries from falling off horses! Like Christopher Reeves! And Stephen Tobolowski!
34:16 I just realized her stupid succubus subplot makes her Rogue, essentially.
34:56 That is a huge studio apartment.
35:25 What part of “the murder didn’t happen inside the Gates” does this show not understand? They said so themselves!
36:37 I am mad at you for taking our daughter for ice cream!
37:08 Torn apart…limb by limb…by the Cullens tribe.
37:32 I can get better at hiding my mistakes.
38:20 You could have at least waited until the weekend? I think you are moving a bit too fast, redhead.
39:22 Amazing how you’ve already heard about it, since we only caught him like two hours ago and we didn’t tell anyone, you crazy witch.
40:00 Oh man, an investigation again foiled by the Internet.
40:35 I really hope they tell us this witch’s master plan soon, because right now it seems to be “market exposure.”
41:45 Because it’s a needle, and they usually do. I’m amazed I even need to tell you.
42:52 The ending song does a great job of sounding sinister even though nothing all that bad seems to be happening.
Verdict: Well that pumped the brakes awfully fast; no new developments, except for that beyond dumb “yeah, apparently your daughter is turning into a succubus” subplot. That was bananas. And really, tell me what this witch is up to. She is confusing me.
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