Touch - Episode 2: “1 + 3 = 3”

Certifiably untrue. You’d think that a show that purports to be about numbers would not make such a easy mistake so early on. And isn’t the common wrong math problem 2 + 2 = 5?

LAST TIME: Kiefer Sutherland is the father of an autistic kid that he maybe needs to some help raising, since the kid is constantly freaking out. Through a bunch of insane coincidences, they manage to save a school bus full of children by distracting this guy. Also we follow a lost phone that manages to trek the entire world in what seems like a week, eventually being used as a detonator for a suicide bomber, but everything turns out okay. I’m not sure how they were related at all.

Touch - Episode 1:"Tales of the Red Thread"

AND WE’RE BACK. So anyway, Kiefer Sutherland has a son, who can tell the future, but nobody knows or something? And it’s called Touch? Anyway, overly dramatic, mildly supernatural, this is how we do. We did. And we again!

Persons Unknown - Episode 5: "Incoming"

DUCK! COVER! Some thing is coming and you should be prepared, maybe! Maybe the inglorious return of Josh Interprets?! (Probably not that)

LAST TIME: Two of our heroes got lost in the hills and were attacked by bees, and then that one girl who you probably hate exited the series, maybe. Also, it’s revealed that main hero guy is actually a double agent, which reveals a shitload of things. Like, why he is so boring as a character.

Persons Unknown - Episode 4: "Exit One"

Hurray someone gets shot in the chest or something. Let it be Used Car Salesman, because screw that guy!

LAST TIME: After an unsuccessful attempt to burrow out of town or something, the group is overcome with paranoia over a gas attack, which ends up hurting those who thought they were safe! Ho ho, the irony. Also I guess that douche bag reporter is actually the mother’s deadbeat husband, I don’t care.

Persons Unknown - Episode 3: "The Way Through"

You mean a way through that weird light that immediately sent them back to the start, just like going the wrong way in a video game maze? I usually just go straight to the Internet, because screw that.

LAST TIME: Our extremely paranoid crew try to murder a guy, then yell at some Chinese people, then try to escape once again only to have it fail miserably. Meanwhile, some people who do not matter have sex with each other.

Persons Unknown - Episode 2: "The Edge"

Are we living on it? Already? It’s only episode 2. Give us somewhere to go, guys.

LAST TIME: Seven people are kidnapped and proceed to freak the hell out! Pointing weapons at literally everyone they meet. Threatening Chinese food restaurant workers. Keeping secrets from each other for no reason. Pandemonium.

Persons Unknown - Episode 1: "Pilot"

Next mildly supernatural TV show! This was in my Instant Queue, so, I guess this was the next thing I’m watching. I don’t know, it feels very 9 doors 9 persons 9 hours (which I still need to get around to playing), so…that’s cool, I guess? Let’s get going. People trapped in a single room for a good 10 hours.

The Gates - Episode 13: "Moving Day"

So, we’re leaving? Okay sure, screw all these vampires or whatever. Let’s just…leave.

LAST TIME: The owner guy, apparently not dead, wants to become a vampire, and everyone is mad about it. But eventually he does it anyway, but ends up with poisoned blood and decides to kill himself because? I really didn’t understand the conflict. Anyway, it seems everyone is prepared to just put all this bullshit behind them.

The Gates - Episode 12: "Bad Moon Rising"

Oh okay, so werewolf subplot, which isn’t exactly all that exciting, will be wrapping up. Well, I hope someone dies! Anyone?

LAST TIME: The sheriff is haunted by a river ghost of that girl who died in front of him half a season ago. It gets really scary there until the ghost decides not to get vengeance on him for some reason. It’s not superclear why. Also, the succubus gets her boyfriend back for no reason. Hopefully they are never mentioned again.

The Gates - Episode 11: "Surfacing"

Yeah, no clue. I’m not even sure what that means in the context of the show! Were they all underwater the whole time? Is that the twist?

LAST TIME: The vampire’s child was stolen from them by the only other vampire we care about. Turns out he gave her back to her family, who had been illegally squatting in her childhood home and were immediately okay with having her back in their life. Also the succubus confesses that she is a succubus to mopeypants, but he’s like nah.

The Gates - Episode 10: "Little Girl Lost"

You can tell this is an edgy show because they uses the super cool “Adjective Noun Adjective” for their show title instead of the less ridiculous sounding “Adjective Adjective Noun.”

LAST TIME: Some fakey FBI agent shows up to smoke out all the vampires, and the sheriff tries to stop her for some reason, then changes his mind, and she gets killed probably. The sheriff’s son moves onto a new girl, and good for him, and apparently that guy who was killed episode before last actually got away and has kidnapped a child.

The Gates - Episode 9: "Identity Crisis"

In this episode, they are going to spice up the backstory with some rape, kill the wife of one of my favorite characters for a stupid reason, and then everyone will be mad at each other for no reason. Yeah, I do reference DC comics too much.

LAST TIME: The alpha wolf gets beat up and it causes some serious shit, including the sheriff figuring out werewolves exist and being totally okay with burying the secret. The vampires have a tiff, and it ends with one of them being murdered. And the succubus broke up with her boring boyfriend. So no idea what this one will be about.

The Gates - Episode 7: "Dog Eat Dog"

So, werewolf-heavy plot, got it. I sure hope all transformations happen behind random construction equipment.

LAST TIME: The sheriff and the vampire stop some kind of murder, which was happening for reasons I didn’t understand. The succubus got back together with the werewolves, and the witch is totally doing something you guys. She might be evil! Maybe!

The Gates - Episode 7: "Digging the Dirt"

Well, yeah. You dig dirt. What else would you dig? Come on, this is a basic saying. Everyone knows this. Dirt gets dug. You digging? If you are pulling up anything but dirt, I don’t know what to tell you. DIRT.

LAST TIME: Someone dies and it looks like a vampire crime, so the sheriff pesters the shit out of his vampire friend until it becomes obvious she died the regular way. Also, witch is up to some mischief, and succubus teenager is still being a goddamn teenager. And I guess blackmail, whatever.

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 24: "Lilith's Mirror and a Vampire"

Is Lilith’s Mirror a thing? Should I recognize that? Because it sounds like an item you would find in a Castlevania game, and I’m not sure that’s what they intended.

LAST TIME: The bat decided that he was sick of not being awesome and uses some undefined magic to turn into a human and seduces literally everyone with magic. Of course, the status quo is restored, but in a hilarious fashion that almost made it all worth it. Almost.

The Gates - Episode 6: "Jurisdiction"

Oh sweet, maybe this episode will have a map showing exactly where The Gates is and its relationship to everywhere else. It’s…obviously it’s own town, it has police and everything, but also there’s a wall surrounding it, and I’m never ever sure when someone is in the town or not. It’s confusing.

LAST TIME: The sheriff is just kinda okay with knowing vampires exist, and everyone forgets about that murder that happened, except the owner of the time, who has tapes of everyone doing evil stuff. Oh, and succubus girl doesn’t want to take her medication for no reason.

The Gates - Episode 5: "Repercussions"

DAMN RIGHT! Were you guys even paying attention last time?

LAST TIME: THE SHERIFF KNOWS VAMPIRES EXIST! I don’t know what else I need to tell you. Pulling back the curtain is a pretty big deal a third of the way through the season. Oh, and I guess that cute girl was actually a psychopath, whatever.

The Gates - Episode 4: "The Monster Within"

Really guys? You couldn’t come up with a show title that was at least marginally more creative. I mean, not only is this the most obvious title, but you had a title pretty much identical to this one not two episodes ago. You think people who were ripping off True Blood but with more monsters would have an original thought!

LAST TIME: There was a crime spree, and this charming gated community became a police state there for a bit. Meanwhile, werewolf gets broken up with by his succubus girlfriend, and vampire wife is still annoying and pointless. I’m glad everyone is a different kind of monster so they are easy to identify.

The Gates - Episode 3: "Breach"

That’s a gross word. Nothing should ever breach anything if boats aren’t involved.

LAST TIME: The Sheriff solves the murder of the old sheriff somehow, though that guy was probably framed. The vampire gives the witch blood, which she needs, I guess, and the teenage girl is turning into a succubus. I just realized, all they need to do is add an ice girl and the show will have the exact same cast as the anime I’m watching as well!

The Gates - Episode 2: "What Lies Beneath"

It’s a monster, isn’t it? It’s probably a monster.

LAST TIME: Some guy becomes the police chief of this planned community that is apparently just full of goddamn werewolves. His son has a crush on a lady, and his daughter is a wiseass. Some vampires murdered someone and did a pisspoor job of covering it up, and some witches have a pissy whinefest? In retrospect, a lot happened.