LAST TIME: THE SHERIFF KNOWS VAMPIRES EXIST! I don’t know what else I need to tell you. Pulling back the curtain is a pretty big deal a third of the way through the season. Oh, and I guess that cute girl was actually a psychopath, whatever.
0:33 Ah man, morning grave digging is the pits. Have to wake up early, have to touch a dead body…
1:22 Leave a message! I do that and even I am aware that is annoying.
2:02 But I don’t have that debilitating disease and I totally want to kiss that girl!
3:05 A 24-hour diner? In The Gates?
3:58 This has devolved into stage play territory.
4:57 There is nobody? That is a super metaphysical statement. Oh wait it’s just his dumb accent.
6:11 EXTREME WEB SURFING! At least she’s using Google instead of Bing.
7:10 How didn’t he see her?
7:47 For example, I keep a man’s soul in a box! And I don’t have an explanation for that.
8:08 That’s vampires. I’m a witch. Witches don’t bite.
9:13 It is much cooler and polite to cheat on someone in front of them.
10:28 You’re jumping to conclusions, which is obviously the property of that one guy you don’t remember from Office Space.
11:13 Ah Jesus how many dumb fairs do they have every week at this dumb high school?
12:10 WOW I hate this lady. She is a caddy bitch for no reason.
13:18 No no, me and the mouse in my pocket.
13:38 Um…..opium den? Do they still have those? No no! Meth house!
14:30 I was really busy standing around the house and having an ill-defined means of income.
15:25 I am only super smart and attractive. I have no interest in being different.
16:14 An herbal supplement to cure being a succubus! That’s something this show is pitching to us.
17:03 People in television shows always seem to buy a lot of green vegetables from the grocery store.
17:42 Remember? I killed someone in the pilot? You were there?
18:29 You know, it really doesn't make any sense for a guy to be afraid of the police state when he is the police state.
19:37 Yep, thought it would be a super cool idea to just walk over to the scene of the crime, stand around, and then leave, all while on camera. I’m a detective!
21:20 I’ve had enough, McNealy!
21:42 He is searching for “how to kill a vampire” on Google!
22:36 Oh hey, a diary about how my girlfriend is actually an insane sociopath avenging her rapist brother. Huh.
23:47 What kind of party would a father invite his daughter to?
24:35 Wait wait wait wait wait….a succubus fell in love and had a family? How? HOW? This breaks literally all of succubus mythology.
25:37 Is there another Daddy-Daughter dance? Is this a weekly thing?
27:11 Right…the sheriff who believes in justice is going to drag everyone down against their own good…sure, Mr. Vampire.
28:06 HM! Well, that was pretty easy. Of course, it points to wrongdoing from the wrong party, but still!
29:09 What’s up, person who is probably not important to the plot.
29:43 It’s a eight-digit code, lady. There are eight spaces. Oh, never mind, I guess not. Instead it’s petty bullshit.
30:38 Memories that involve sex. Huh? Sex? Seeeeeeex?
31:10 I still stole the video tapes! You didn’t even try to stop me! Be better, sleezy ex-husband!
32:05 Are you guys whispering to each other about some secret stuff? Because I can totally tell.
33:36 DUN DUN DUN! That can be easily misconstrued!
34:46 No no, it took me completely by surprise, and also…she was a lunatic.
35:27 I am holding two drinks because I plan to get REALLY drunk tonight.
36:26 So…they didn’t have friends before? Were their kids lepers in Chicago?
37:26 Cool, yeah, I guess nothing that happened last episode was really important. Glad it all conveniently resolved itself.
38:41 HUH! A dangerous monster couldn’t handle living a simple life, you say? Can’t imagine that theme will come again another thousand times.
40:36 Daah? This plotline is stupid.
41:04 Wait, this party was for him? He has solved three serial crimes so far! How did it take this long to throw him a welcome party?
42:05 WAIT?! Why does this guy have surveillance footage of everyone? That is…fucked up? Yeah, fucked up.
Verdict: Man…I kinda hoped there would be something…more extreme. But no, it’s all stupid community politics. Bleck. But hey, maybe someone will kill someone? I don’t know.
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