Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Search for Ray Palmer: "Superwoman/Batwoman"

It is unfortunate that DC only numbers their universes up to the number 52, because otherwise this would obviously be Earth-63! Haha, oh, obvious joke. You make my job so easy.

LAST TIME: In Soviet Russia, Superman tries to kill you! A lot of dumb stuff happened, and Batman exploded himself and wore a stupid hat, and then our team managed to escape despite there being no reason why they should have been able to. Anyway, it was dumb.



Page 1, Panel 2: We have learned all that? Were we high when we learned that?

Page 2, Panel 1: Why does Brother Eye look so crappy? And why is he talking in L33T-Speak.

Page 2, Panel 2: Yep! Everyone’s gender is reversed. Everyone’s. Sure, it’s a cheap gimmick, but it’s a sexy gimmick!

Page 3, Panel 1: Oh look. Wonder Man. He has a beard and doesn’t wear any clothes. He is goddamn weird, is what I’m saying.

Page 5, Panel 1: Squid fight squid fight.

Page 6, Panel 1: The gender dynamic of this world may be completely reversed in this world, but women will still be women, am I right? Always talking about boys. Also, Black Canary has a mustache, it’s stupid.

Page 6, Panel 2: Lady Red Tornado!

Page 7, Panel 1: Yes, but the new readers might not know that, so he has to say it again.

Page 9, Panel 2: Hang on, Wonder Man can summon gods? How? That seems…way overpowered.

Page 9, Panel 4: They keep on saying testosterone as if we don’t understand that men have that.

Page 10, Panel 1: The Blue Beetle would like you to know that teleporting into someone’s brain is gross.

Page 10, Panel 3: So…absolutely everything is going exactly the same as it get in the Prelude to Infinite Crisis…but with ladies. Got it.

Page 11, Panel 3: Plastic Man with boooooooobs.

Page 12, Panel 1: Sure…a two-page spread of the female version of the Freedom Fighters. Surely SOMEONE wanted to see this. That’s why they gave it so much space.

Page 13, Panel 4: Seriously, what the hell is Wonder Man’s problem? He is being such a dick.

Page 14, Panel 3: I don’t want any kind of vomit flying around!

Page 15, Panel 1: …why is Teddy Kord wearing the Jaime Reyes armor? She was flying the airship earlier. That costume does not look that great, guys.

Page 15, Panel 3: Haha, stupid Wonder Man. “Hey, I’m going to summon the god of the sun. That should go great against Superwoman, who gains her powers from the light of the yellow sun. Great plan.”

Page 17, Panel 1: We are totally here as well!

Page 17, Panel 5: We are here for no good reason. How are you guys doing? Fighting Amazons, huh?

Page 18, Panel 4: Hi Atom!

Page 19, Panel 2: Ah Jesus, Ray Palmer isn’t here either. Of course he isn’t.

Page 20, Panel 2: There was another girl Atom? Who? Where? Why couldn’t we have watched that instead?

Page 20, Panel 3: Yeah, super strange, it’s almost as if our genders were reversed, like a cheap gimmick.

Page 21, Panel 2: Nobody likes Jason Todd.

Page 21, Panel 4: Seriously…what exactly is their problem again? Why are they mad? Do I have to make a “time of the month” joke, because that will make me really uncomfortable?

Verdict: Oh hey, it’s over, they never found Ray Palmer, and that last universe was beyond pointless. It’s almost as if they just wanted to draw a bunch of fetish-y lady versions of all our favorite superheroes. Well, mission accomplished, I guess. This series was dumb. Nothing happened, and while going hoping to different universes seems neat, it was just…kinda…dumb. I’m glad they erased all these universes again.

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