Monday, January 14, 2013

Persons Unknown - Episode 5: "Incoming"

DUCK! COVER! Some thing is coming and you should be prepared, maybe! Maybe the inglorious return of Josh Interprets?! (Probably not that)

LAST TIME: Two of our heroes got lost in the hills and were attacked by bees, and then that one girl who you probably hate exited the series, maybe. Also, it’s revealed that main hero guy is actually a double agent, which reveals a shitload of things. Like, why he is so boring as a character.

0:27 Man, if you had no idea what was going on, this “last time” would be extremely confusing.

1:15 So…Chinese server guy has turned into insane lunatic in exactly two minutes.

2:01
Charles Sandburg?

3:06 Yep! Yep! That is totally where I was! On a walk! Not a double agent or anything!

3:49
Oh no she is maybe dead!

4:10 Or maybe they put someone else in a wig and a dress?

4:48 This stereotypical Italian guy is shocked by a drowned person who was not actually in his line of sight.

5:59
I THINK HER NAME IS ERIKA!

6:24
Or maybe she’s Spider-Woman.

6:59 I don’t think these guys like each other.

7:40
So…this character is dead?

8:18 It sure was nice of whoever to install whiteboards on all the lesbian’s walls.

9:05
No, I’m sorry, I don’t read stupid books.

9:39 But really though, when did these two characters gets so close?

10:40 How many goddamn cameras do the bad guys have?

11:23 So anyway! Maybe we never care about reporter character again? Maybe?

11:59 Or maybe she’s insane! And alive!

12:35
When looking for an insane exit, always consider jumping out a third story window.

13:16 Yeah…maybe don’t portray the black woman as a crazed animal.

14:13
I guess she had a prior engagement? That’s why she got murdered?

15:12 I am OKAY with this character who just showed up beating the shit out of the used car salesman.

16:07
Seriously, did she spend the last five years in the African savannah? What the fuck?

17:12 There is this very large and expensive table that no one will be sitting at, it is very important.

17:42 How to overreact: Lesson 2.

18:16
I wait patiently for the episode where every single character beats the shit out of this guy.

18:59
No seriously, why not release a literal lion into the group, for as sensitively you are treating this new African-American character?

19:51
Is she hiding in the bank owned by Scrooge McDuck?

20:39 Hang on, how are you living in Presidio Park? It's protected by the National Park Service. Even if you mean you are living in the Presidio, the rates there are super expensive.

21:15 Oh good she knows human words.

21:38 This guy has spent literally 70% of his time hanging out with the bad guys ever since we realized he’s with the bad guys.

23:18 Ah ha! Now she has a knife.

24:21 Did you guys know this new character spent some time in prison?

24:59
Wait, what? He couldn’t access his web account on his own computer, so he went to his girlfriend’s apartment to use her computer? How does that make sense?

26:06 This lady is really mad about nothing in particular.

26:46 Ah…she is a damaged lesbian.

27:14 Yeah…don’t really need advice from someone who tried to kill me with a knife.

28:29 Wait, they are running out of air? The vault at the bank is so secure that it traps all air?

29:12
That is a surefire way to take a good ten minutes getting to your floor.

29:59
So…this lady died once. In Texas, of course. They will kill anyone.

30:37 Yeah, this lady looks like a demon alright.

31:16
Or did you pass out for a conveniently plot-related reason?

32:01 Big teeth standoff!

32:32 Yeah, sure, they can’t just order another keyboard.

32:57
Hey guys, I wasn’t up to some evil bullshit or anything!

33:23 It’s a mystery to everyone.

33:41
So…she printed out a Google search result?

34:21
Also, where does this guy live that his stairwell looks like a spy film?

34:49 You found some new clothes, so you’re probably okay, idiot.

35:56 Hey buddy. Say goodbye to your blackmailer. It’s common courtesy.

36:20 Did you forget this character was a soldier?

37:01 Wait, why is he flushing his dog tag? What does that prove?

37:43 So…did this lady kill somebody? Or was she executed for the crime of being not-white in the State of Texas?

38:25 Hang on hang on hang on. The Grandmother does not know that this guy is the father of that child?

39:19 If you say the wrong thing, she might EXPLODE!

39:57 I just felt that we should maybe interact in some way. Also…the audience may not remember you getting hurt, since it happened before that jackass used car salesman getting hurt.

41:14 I guess lesbian lady knows about literally everything.

41:34 Was he talking on the Kale Phone?

42:16 Wait, why did the bad guys want that lady to suffocate? What the hell did that prove?

Verdict: That episode only proved that the blonde lady had a prior engagement that they had to write themselves out of. Also, how they can pretty racist. Seriously, what is with the black lady stalking around like a damn panther for the first half of the episode? And the double-agent intrigue is already boring.

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