LAST TIME: The owner guy, apparently not dead, wants to become a vampire, and everyone is mad about it. But eventually he does it anyway, but ends up with poisoned blood and decides to kill himself because? I really didn’t understand the conflict. Anyway, it seems everyone is prepared to just put all this bullshit behind them.
0:40 That was Peg. She wants to give you a job!
1:05 Maybe…driving away? I don’t know, that might work. You’re not in a ton of danger right now.
1:38 Why isn’t her computer passsword protected?
1:49 AH! The Local Hotel. Topline security there.
2:21 I just snuck up behind you in the rain wearing a hood.
3:08 But, wait. He intentionally wanted to become a vampire. It was his decision, and you are being a bitch.
4:20 Klaatu barada…
4:46 Well that vision made no fucking sense.
5:33 I have spent ten episodes being jerked around by a succubus, and by god, I am not leaving without hitting that!
6:12 What the hell does she care? She has done literally nothing the entire series.
6:42 What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you destroy her medicine, you stupid jerk?
7:31 Already, quick, tell me what your supernatural deal is before the series is over. The audience has been waiting patiently.
7:59 What’re you guys talking about!
8:28 Still not sure why the sheriff and his family are in danger…
8:48 There is some hippy bullshit in the trashcan, obviously the witch was just here.
9:55 Have we met?
10:37 So…he’s going to sleep on his girlfriend’s floor forever?
10:59 Aren’t there other people in the house? Like, standing right over there?
11:48 Apparently I couldn’t have just called you on the phone.
12:21 Wait, he is just now getting around to writing his resignation letter? And he’s writing it in Notepad?
12:52 Okay, OBVIOUSLY cell phones exist, because they are talking on them right now, so…why the hell won’t they use them to actually solve their problems.
13:15 Oh cute, she dyed her hair.
13:56 So, his plan is just to live in the woods. That’s as far as his 16-year-old lovers plan went.
15:06 Plenty of places to hide. In the park, underneath a log, how big is the Gates exactly, come on?
16:04 I have absolutely no control over my daughter at all. She tells me nothing. I’m a great father.
16:55 She turns into a hell beast. LIKE YOU DO!
17:41 Absolutely everyone is going to look at each other in dull surprise this episode.
18:10 “There are vampires everywhere.” All things considering, perfectly ordinary thing to say.
18:57 Yeah, I’m sure that was filler. Not at all important phone conversation.
19:23 What, is that the cottage from Lost, what’s with the sting?
20:20 WHAT? WHY?! Why would she return to the only place where anyone would look for her?
20:49 The teenage boy in love finally realizes that running away into the woods was literally the dumbest plan he’s ever had.
21:22 That wipe means that they are totally going to do it.
22:10 So, if you don’t take your succubus medicine, your powers immediately return?
22:49 For some reason I wasn’t paying any attention while we were macking and I ended up killing him.
23:40 Why not just say you are summoning a ghost to lend him life energy for as helpful as that explanation was?
24:20 It’s true! He’s a terrible parent!
24:52 Which are bad, for some reason!
25:34 Why is Other Cop breaking into Lady Cop’s house? How does this make sense?
25:56 She actually is at her spa?! Is she really this stupid?
26:16 Oh hey guys, fancy seeing you here.
26:46 I’m imagining that the car radio is playing “Call Me Maybe.”
27:46 Can’t you guys wait to kill her until after she saves my son? I mean, be cool you guys.
28:26 That’s the best way to stage a fight scene, by focusing exclusively on the non-participating observer who can’t actually see anything.
29:09 Wow, that is probably the only time that character has actually looked mildly cool. Good work making a vampire look scary, guys.
29:46 Oh hey, Marcus Wallace’s soul, cool.
30:50 DUN DUN wait that’s…that’s not that interesting of revelation.
31:35 Well…after that one thing that she put you through. She hadn’t really done that much to you.
32:12 You have to cover his nostrils too, come on, haven’t you ever suffocated someone before?
32:46 Yep, really dramatic, just all our characters standing around crying.
33:03 Oh hey, it worked somehow.
34:15 Turns out I’m suddenly a character again, and now everyone will pay.
34:44 SAVIOR Martinez? You intentionally dated a guy named Savior?
35:16 Dude, you were just staring at a heart! Why are you doubting this?
36:27 Wait, is this guy also a vampire or something? Or just a stupid guy?
37:19 Oh no! Another subplot! But we’ve got like five minutes left!
37:38 Welp, turns out they are not okay with us murdering five of our kind. Whoops!
38:22 And BAM! Daylight! Everything is suddenly A-OK!
39:16 So…she’s leaving town. Despite the fact that he’s also leaving town, so there is absolutely no reason for her to take off.
40:04 So hey, thanks for sticking around in one place so you can get murdered by vampires.
41:11 Oh no he’s a zombie!
41:32 Or maybe a vampire! I don’t know!
41:57 Wait what are you doing?! Don’t close the gates! What just happened?!
Verdict: GAH! You guys make us sit through hours of plot cal-de-sacs and then when something interesting finally happens, you dummies get canceled? There was at least three episodes of filler that you really could have cut. I want to know why the son is an evil demon now! And I will never know! Rassel frassel. So, yeah, this show was dumb. It’s pacing was way off and it spent a lot of time just hiding the interesting bits for no reason. Moving on.
P.S. I’ve been hanging onto this joke from episode one; one of the creators of the show is named Richard Hatem. (a-a-a-a-ahem). YEAH I DO. Thank you, good night.
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