What’s that, a Biblical story with a female protaganist? I can’t imagine what could go wrong here! Yeah sure, I’ll do another VeggieTales. Mainly because that goddamn tomato isn’t on the cover. I hate that sanctimonious dick. Plus, I’m lazy this week, and I’d rather pad than do nothing at all like I have done every other week.
0:06 Godfather trumpets? Why?
0:40 Well, this is super sexist! The king literally woke the queen up so that she would make him a sandwich.
1:23 I mean, where am I going to get my sexing?
2:08 Um, spoilers?!
2:29 Does literally everyone own a fedora?
3:31 That sounds like a pretty shitty song. Won’t make it to the Top 40, that’s for sure.
4:03 Why use wheels when you can use actual sentient beings?
4:36 Just crawl in the back of this darkened, unventilated van.
5:30 Spelling jokes! Hilarious!
6:19 Nice shoulder pads. What year is it, 1991?
6:51 Or maybe this answer is a huge copout.
7:08 I did not place this sprout as an alto. Also, why is she the only vegetable with a full head of hair?
8:02 The stereotype is cat lady, not dog lady. Get it right, VeggieTales.
8:41 Named for her home city, apparently?
9:34 Wait, did she seriously forget about the song she sang last night? That was literally two minutes ago.
10:14 It is apparently that easy to be conscripted into unwanted marriage!
10:53 She is not looking forward to the sex.
11:23 Boy, the two-hour voyage and possible trespassing charge was sure worth talking to you for 30 seconds.
12:01 Haha, lawyer joke.
13:06 Is they seriously trying to make a joke out of an assassination attempt?
14:28 Still don't know how to animate liquids yet, huh guys?
14:50 So…this guy works here then? Then why does he need to sneak in every night?
15:49 Death maybe? Death? No? Only banishment?
16:32 Wait, wait, wait…so…all other things are okay? Those are literally the only crimes?
17:12 And it involved singing a goddamn song.
17:44 Who was he playing tic-tac-toe with?
18:54 You can trust me because you can’t see my eyes!
19:32 Wait, didn’t this guy just try to assassinate the king? What is he doing here?
20:09 Just…putting up a sign, huh? Don’t send people after him or anything. Just put up a sign.
20:58 It’s pretty bad! I mean, being banished to a specific place? How does that happen?
21:32 Wait, so she’s crowned queen and she can’t even walk up to the king and say “yo?”
22:26 We’ll pray that your pupils get smaller, because your eyes are goddamn creepy.
23:27 Ah yeah, a good old moping montage.
24:18 Not to be…less than joyous, but…the only thing she was asked to do was ask her husband for a favor. This doesn’t really seem to be the kinda thing you need to pull out all the g word for.
25:17 He was on the pot, you see.
26:05 It’s alright, because she has a nice ass! (Man, I am such a dick.)
26:39 He has a gold tooth! Why do you trust this guy?
27:11 The person I married, wanting to actually spend time with me! What a wacky coincidence.
27:53 This joke is literally 3000 years too early.
28:24 Oh hey there’s Sanskrit on the cup. That’s kinda funny.
29:00 I don’t know why, I mean, I have the most obnoxious personality ever.
29:40 Just admit that you love him, bad guy!
30:31 I occasionally do this myself, just…read over my past deeds and think about how awesome I am. (Not a joke.)
31:47 A parade? Oh, this will be a wacky misunderstanding.
32:29 Well, it’s a good thing I’m ridiculously stupid, otherwise I would have realized you were talking about yourself the whole time.
33:37 Nothing important happened that day. No reason we needed to see that parade. That would have cut into our budget.
34:25 It’s almost as if you pay absolutely no attention to anything happening in your kingdom whatsoever. You suck at being a king!
35:15 Sure, sure, cast that net as widely as possible. No way that’ll backfire.
36:17 Sometimes, you have to do a very minor thing like ratting out a complete asshat, and that will be literally the only thing you achieve in your entire life. Don’t get excited kids!
37:32 Sure yeah, this song deserves a redux.
38:40 You are thanking the IT department?!
39:02 Haha, it’s backwards, you see.
Verdict: Man, call me a complete cynic, but if the lesson of this was, “If some jerk tries to screw you over, maybe get help,” that’s an okay lesson, but one that doesn’t really require all the import they gave it, you know. I mean, saying, “My life will be completely shattered by the actions of this prick,” doesn’t take a lot of courage, I think. It takes mostly not being a pushover. So, don’t be a pushover, kids! God will show you the way! Also, being a queen mainly involves hanging out on balconies!
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