Rideback - Episode 4: "A Close Call for Shoko"

Oh no! Wait, which one is Shoko? Is he the guy with the glasses? Or the guy with no pupils? Or that third chubby guy? Or the stalker chick? Okay, I don’t know anyone’s name. Ever. In fact, I couldn’t tell you the name of the main character of ANY of the shows I’ve watched. The only name I still adequately remember is Dmitri, and that’s because his character was played by Harold.

LAST TIME: The big race was apparently right around the corner, and everyone raced. The ballerina did okay but crashed her loaner rideback, but apparently isn’t responsible for it because… Oh, and also some political intrigue, I don’t know.

Trouble #4

Hey I was wondering, you want to go see that new Twilight movie? Look, I know the answer is no but can we still go see the Twilight movie? Please? For me? Come on….

LAST TIME: May is a horrible person, and as punishment from god or some bullshit, she totally got knocked up. Of course, she knew this was a distinct possibility, but she still continued to slut it up, and it makes me feel bad that I dislike her character as much as I do. It’s not my fault that I dislike every decision she makes!

No Ordinary Family - Episode 6: "No Ordinary Visitors"

They are from outer space! And they have wacky powers! How will we keep that noisy neighbor from finding out? Stop snooping, Mrs. Kravitz!

LAST TIME: Some chick with earthquake powers bothers the family, but not that much, and they definitely don’t succeed in taking care of the problem at all. Also, the bad guys totally know who they are now, so that’s bad. Oh, and some idiot decides that not coming clean about a relationship he’s having with a student’s parent was wiser than keeping it super secret and endangering his career, because he’s an idiot.

Do They Know It's Christmas

Merry Christmas, dummies! As a special holiday snarklet, how about we all sit back and listen to one of my least favorite Christmas songs, “Do They Know It’s Christmas.” Oh man, the white guilt just dripping from this thing. It is delicious. So hit play, sit back, and let’s listen.

0:09 Who is “us“?

0:28 Imagine this line being sung by a guy holding a knife.

1:25 And urine! Don’t forget urine!

1:35 I didn’t know that African militia walked around with chimes of doom.

1:52 Which is probably good because that would make it worse.

2:15 Probably not? How would that affect things?

2:40 I’m really glad they started showing imagines of people doing something, because I was getting quite worried.

3:04 Ah yeah, the popular bright pink “Let’s Save Lives” shirts. Those were a classic.

3:27 In case you missed it, Feed the World.

3:57 Thanks guys, that’s really nice of you. Ending on an image of a corpse.

Verdict: That video is sadder than I thought it would be! I’m sorry everyone! Have a happy anyway!

Yes Virginia

Netflix Synopsis: Set in 1897, this animated holiday tale follows the efforts of plucky, 8-year-old Virginia as she crisscrosses New York City to discover whether there really is a Santa Claus. Her answer comes from an unlikely source -- a crusty newspaper editor.

Well that’s not a nice thing to say about the newspaper editor! It’s not his fault his profession isn’t glamorized by the public, it’s still very important, especially 100 years ago, when newspapers mattered. Also, what’s the over-under on another Macy’s plug?

Rideback - Episode 3: "And there's the flag"

Over there. Leaning against that building. You should go get it. There’s going to be a race or something.

LAST TIME: Our heroine is challenged to a really reasonable race, in which she has some troubles, but then does some goddamn motorbike ballet and it is beautiful. So, I guess she’s going onto regionals then.

Trouble #3

Oh my I’m chewing bubblegum! Isn’t that hot and sexy and do you want to buy me a drink? Please? I’m in between jobs right now, and I could really stand to be drunk right now…

LAST TIME: Ben and May totally do it! And then everyone acts like a dick, and then May cheats on her boyfriend for no reason whatsoever. Seriously, why? Because he wasn’t being a dick at that one particular moment? If it was that easy, I would be rolling in…um, never mind.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 5: "No Ordinary Quake"

Ah man, I don’t want to watch an earthquake plot. They always go exactly the same way. People acting normal, then there’s an earthquake, then they deal with it. Rarely entertaining, and usually a reminder of how goddamn terrifying earthquakes are.

LAST TIME: Tiberius tried to join the football team, while Pills tries to attend a party and got busted trying to buy alcohol despite looking 12. Also, I guess Chiklis was seen by some guy in the park? I don’t remember, it wasn’t that interesting.

Gotta Catch Santa Claus

Netflix Synopsis: Trevor is a true believer in the holiday spirit, so his skeptical best friend, Veronica, challenges him to track down Santa and show the world proof that he's real! William Shatner stars as the voice of Santa in this animated family adventure.

Really? William…Shatner will play…the role of…Santa Claus? Okay, there, got that out of my system. Also, Veronica sounds like a great friend. “Go on, track down and capture the very entity that almost everyone above the age of 12 knows doesn’t exist! I will crush your spirit!”

Rideback - Episode 2: "Challenge from Tamayo?! S.L.F.: Spread Legs Form"

Guh, what? Huh? What the hell is Spread Legs Form and how can it possibly not be referring to something sexual. I thought we were past this, anime. Also, that is a long and unwieldy title. Not easy to say at all.

LAST TIME: Some poor girl hurts herself doing ballet, and now she’s sad. But then she meets a cute boy robot, and they drive around and stuff. That’s…about it.

Trouble #2

Well…that’s a cute (and sexy) pic, but this story isn’t about lesbians. What is with the blonde? She is WAY into the other girl. And the other girl is way into you! Man, I think the entire newsstand is about to get laid.

LAST TIME: A couple of nice girls and a couple of rocking guys go to the Hamptons to work for the summer, and it’s hard work and all, but then they totally get laid! Can’t wait for this raucous event to be consequence-free!

No Ordinary Family - Episode 4: "No Ordinary Vigilante"

He…doesn’t get arrested or outed? Vigilantism is a hard business. I mean, Daredevil has been running from that game for like an entire decade now. Seriously, how does he keep on denying it? Matt Murdock is a hell of a lawyer.

LAST TIME: Darla got her ring stolen by some common thugs, and Chiklis spent the entire episode trying to get it back. Meanwhile, Tiberius pretends to be Jewish (hilarious), and everyone lies to everyone all the time.

The Alpha-Bots Christmas

Netflix Synopsis: Tiny tots will enjoy this lively animated film about 26 flying robots who prematurely pop out of their holiday gift wrapping to frolic about -- and thereby possibly ruin Santa's Christmas surprise for everyone. As they whiz through the air, these fun-loving droids introduce young viewers to the letters of the alphabet and also teach them valuable life lessons, such as the benefits of following instructions.

Because that’s what I want to learn about during the holidays: blindly following instructions. Also, do any of these robots look like letters to you?

Rideback - Episode 1: "The Crimson Iron Horse"

Time for Round 3. I’ve made a couple of decisions in choosing this time around. First off, no more ecchi bullshit. I need a break, and there’s only so many ways I can say, “This drawing of boobs was shocking to see.” Something with adventure or drama or something besides boobs. I also didn’t want to get locked in for half a year, keeping it as short as the others I‘ve done. After weighing my options, looking around, I figured a female protagonist is probably safe, and when it came down to it, that motorbike has arms. That’s a huge plus. So, Rideback.

NetFlix Synopsis: Based on a Japanese manga, this anime follows the adventures of a ballet dancer named Rin who gets injured but finds a new passion: racing motorbikes with the university's competitive Rideback club.

What else would it be based on?!

Trouble #1

Here we are! A comic universally reviled for being awful! The weirdest slice of pie from Marvel’s plate. A story aimed at the wrong audience at the wrong time, that just doesn’t seem to understand what it is up to. I’ve mentioned Trouble before, when I reviewed 15 Love (I liked the rest of those, by the way), as an attempt by the House of Ideas to branch out and tell stories that weren’t just about costumed heroes and their various trials. So…we have Aunt May getting knocked up. Really not sure how they got from point A to point B here. But…no reason to not just start reading.

SPECIAL NOTE: What the hell is up with the covers of this series? Who are these girls? They aren’t in the book. They don’t look like the comic characters. And they don’t make me want to read this book. It makes the book look like a Russian bride mail order catalog.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 3: "No Ordinary Ring"

It has…diamonds? Seriously, is this episode three? Come on guys, lead strong! More bad guys or whatever! Not more marital boredom!

LAST TIME: Darla doesn’t think it’s necessary to follow the rules that she establishes, and the school district has a complete bitch on the PTA. Also, the kids still won’t tell the parents they have superpowers, and an interesting ethnic person died.

The Nuttiest Nutcracker

OH BROTHER! Is it December already? Because that means only one damn thing, Chirstmas movies. An endless stupid parade of computer-generated Christmas movies, churned out to fill a need that nobody actually had. So let’s watch some, shall we, loveys? Have I called you loveys before? I’m sorry. Won’t happen again.

Netflix Synopsis: A fun-filled adventure for the whole family, The Nuttiest Nutcracker is a star-studded computer-animated movie that lends a madcap twist to the cherished Nutcracker tale - all gone nuts!

So…legumes then. Just straight up legumes, all the time. Also, Jim Belushi is not a star, no matter how much you try to convince me!

Demon King Daimao - Episode 12: "The Perfect Ending?"

NO.

LAST TIME: Oh no BUT WAIT oh no BUT WAIT oh no BUT WAIT over and over and over again. Seriously, I hope you hate resolution, because here comes someone else to prevent anything interesting from concluding at all. Let’s finish this. Demon versus God, apparently.

Little Break

I had planned to everything up and going on Wednesday, and then Wednesday happened, and then the weekend happened, and now we're here on Monday, so I'm just calling this and letting you know we will be back and running again on Friday. Sorry in advance.

Shadowpact - Issue 8: "Ragtime"

Why is everyone punching Ragman? I don’t think he’s that bad a character. I mean, he’s stupid and mean, but not worth punching.

LAST TIME: The Shadowpact’s official cast goes from two full-time dogs to only one part-time dog, and then a bunch of jerks show up and start beating up the heroes, only to be blinded by Nightshade. Thanks, Nightshade. Also, Nightmaster is an asshole, and he made a bad Asimov joke.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 2: "No Ordinary Marriage"

Okay, I’ve done my research to find out what else these poor actors have done, and have some startling results. The daughter was an actor in the hilarious TV movie Cyberbully, the son played the young James T. Kirk (you know, the one who fought Robocop), the DA’s movie career was launched by the movie The Pest with John Leguizamo (I know!) and did the rapping segments in “Opposites Attract“, and the female assistant is the most attractive person on the planet Earth. Oh, she also played Marcia in the worst idea ever, “The Brady Bunch in the White House.” So there’s no confusion, I will be referring to them as Pills, Tiberius, MC Skat Kat, and Marcia, respectively. Thank you for putting up with my childish name calling.

LAST TIME: Some random family crashlands in South America and this somehow gives each of them separate and distinct superpowers. It’s okay, it happens in all the comic books that way as well. Anyway, Chiklis decides to use his powers to fight crime, while his wife just runs a lot. We also find out there are other people with superpowers, which I’m sure won’t come up again.

The Little Engine That Could

Ah man, I loved being forced to listen to this story during my graduation, I’m so excited to see it on the big screen!

Netflix Synopsis: The timeless children's classic comes roaring to life in this star-studded animated tale of a train who overcomes every obstacle in his way. Repeating the words "I think I can, I think I can," the little engine scales heights and finds friends. Whoopi Goldberg, Jamie Lee Curtis, Corbin Bleu and Brenda Song provide the voices in stories about resilience and the value of companionship and teamwork. All aboard!

Corbin Bleu is in this! That’s all the commentary I got, because that is hilarious. That guy was the nobody from High School Musical!

Demon King Daimao - Episode 11: "The Girl's Final Battle"

Because even though all the primary antagonists are dudes, it’s really the ladies that we’re interesting in seeing duke it out. Pretty weird though, considering the majority of them of them are on side Demon King. Well, except for green haired chick, but her powers are so vague that I doubt she’s actually any good in a fight. Well, maybe someone will die. That’ll be interesting.

LAST TIME: OH I DON’T KNOW! For some reason demons took over the school and there's political intrigue and the MC decided that he wants to punch out God and frankly I’m confused and a little upset. Maybe this episode will clear everything up?

Shadowpact #7: “The Laws of Battle”

Yeah, I’d be pretty shouty too if I had to wear some ugly white cowl like all the rest of my cult members. I mean, you probably wouldn’t get to personalize it at all. They probably get handed out at the beginning of every meeting…all full of someone else’s head sweat.

LAST TIME: Some guy with a shitton of dogs attacks Shadowpact and managed to turn two of them into mastiffs. Also, we were told the story of Flippy the bartender, who once knew Batman and developed telekinesis, and for some reason couldn’t get a job even though that ability is really awesome. And…that’s it! It was pretty filler.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 1: "Pilot"

Okay! Where to now? What miraculous failure of a show do we move onto next? Maybe one in which they shamelessly rip off the Incredibles, which itself was shamelessly ripping off the Fantastic Four? I think that’s a good idea, self. Let’s move on to No Ordinary Family, which has the most annoying episode naming convention since Friends. Seriously, starting every episode name with “No Ordinary”? It just makes it really difficult to tell what episode is which. But first the pilot, which is boringly named Pilot! Not “No Ordinary Pilot,” which would have been just fine! Jeez!

Demon King Daimao - Episode 10: "Akuto’s Great Capital War"

I don’t know…I’ve seen better capital wars. I mean, in others I can actually tell who the bad guy is and why.

LAST TIME: One part sad drama about a woman trying to talk herself into an arranged marriage with a complete jackass, one part insane gibberish hidden behind blood. I really couldn’t tell you what the conditions for the start of this episode are, because I have no idea who the villain is or what he’s trying to accomplish. So…okay.

Shadowpact #6: "The Wild Hunt"

That’s…a lot of goddamn mastiffs. I mean, they are cool dogs, but more than a dozen? That is kinda overdoing it. I also like that they call out the two people that they didn't put on the cover, as if those people are in any danger of dying. Yeah, sure, comic book characters dying. Craziest thing I’ve ever heard! (RIP Ralph Dibny. Pour one out for my elongated bro.)

LAST TIME: Everyone had a beard! They tried to pick up their scattered lives after losing a year, and someone took over the bar, and the Ragman was attacked by some DC Universe character. Oh, and some unknown Big Bad apparently inspired Batman, which is the craziest damn thing I’ve heard since Batman fought some giant plant in the future or something. I don’t get Morrison at all.

FlashForward: Episode 22 - "Future Shock"

Oh man I loved this Magic set. Oh wait, that was Future Sight. Um…I was a fan of that…book by futurist Alvin Toffler? No…that doesn’t work either. I don’t know, last episode, moving on!

LAST TIME: Nobody gets what they want. Everyone is sad and alone, FBI Guy is in jail, Charlie and crew are going…somewhere, Beardo’s daughter is dead, even Babysitter is sad because of something that is not worth being drowned over. It sucks for everyone, okay?

Glup

It hasn’t come up here before, but…I hate Spanish animation. I don’t know why, but every CG movie from Spain has been over the top in terms of story, animation, and general awfulness. They seem to know precisely what they aren’t doing, and it’s kinda fun to watch. So, let’s watch something so Spanish they didn’t bother to translate the cover art.

Netflix Synopsis: After chasing her favorite toy into the trash, Alicia ends up trapped in the foreign surroundings of a garbage dump. Now, her only friends are the cast-off things that live there, including a crusading toaster and a valiant trench coat who goes by the name Detective Glup. They want to help Alicia find her way home, but first they've got to circumvent the wicked Don Bater, who wants to lure Glup and his friends into the incinerator!

…couldn’t she just talk to the dump manager? Where are her parents? Is Glup the stupidest name they could come up with? And what makes a trench coat a detective anyway? Also, Don Bater?

Demon King Daimao - Episode 9: "Crazy Fuss about an Arranged Marriage"

Yeah, what’s the big deal? I mean jeez, it’s not like our societal values have adjusted greatly in the past 100 years that the mere concept of women being auctioned off to the highest bidder is seen as barbaric by most Western cultures and is gradually losing favor, even in Japan. I mean come on, it’s not like this show was produced just last year!

LAST TIME: The hero is suddenly very concerned that his good friend isn’t going to class, and so he does something about it. Of course, it doesn't really get resolved because a monster shows up, and for some reason our hero just sits and watches as his friend solves the problem instead. It was pretty much all filler, but there was no nudity, so I liked it.

Shadowpact #5: "One Year Later"

Who the hell built that monument? The only people who seemed to care that Shadowpact has been missing for a year was the Phantom Stranger, and he hadn’t given up on them yet, even having random ladies go on guard duty to look for them. Also, pigeon pooping on Blue Devil’s head!

LAST TIME: After getting captured, the team is set free by some moron who changes side for no reason, and then Nightshade saves the day by capturing pretty much anyone. Then some magic happens and it’s a year later, and everyone suddenly has a beard. Even the women! (Not actually the women.)

FlashForward - Episode 21: "Countdown"

It’s the…final…one?

LAST TIME: They caught the bad guy! And Baltar made everyone really uncomfortable! And Beardo saved his daughter! And…I don’t know, Dmitri is having problems for reasons that they have no adequately explained? Let’s just get going.

Demon King Daimao - Episode 8: "Eyeing Her Over?"

Well it’s not like you gave me a choice, anime! I mean, last episode you had a character get naked for absolutely no reason! She was even asked twice why she took off her damn clothes, and she never told us! I guess it was to make her invisibility spell work, but she never actually went invisible. But anyway, yeah, okay, what’s the over under on who gets naked this time? The android hasn’t gotten naked in a while, but the witch hat lady hasn’t gotten naked at all! Maybe she pulled the short straw this time. Why am I considering this?

LAST TIME: Everything was going fine until some goddamn lunatic decided to resurrect some terrifying stories-tall sea sponge. Then there was a bunch of bullshit, the little guy suddenly got Gundam armor, and for some reason the government wants the main character to marry the person who absolutely hates him. Well, that’ll happen under Obamacare.

Shadowpact #3: "The (Short) Year of Living Dangerously"

Yeah, right. The monthly book named Shadowpact totally killed off its central team and replaced them a team of nobodies in their third issue. That must be what happened. I totally believe you, Strega. (Man, screw everyone who calls themselves Strega.)

LAST TIME: Shadowpact broke into the blood dome and proceeded to get their ass kicked by the bad guy expy team, but for a perfectly reasonable reason, they can't kill them, so they are going to chain them up instead. That's all. It's a pretty decompressed read.

FlashForward - Episode 20: "The Negotiation"

LAST TIME: Baltar ate a hamburger.

Oh, also, Charlie ran away with the ring, and the peanut gallery wasted time tracking down a killer, which, on retrospect, seems pretty far outside their jurisdiction. And Nurse Guy and Babysitter made out, spurred on by the Babysitter seeing something that she couldn’t possibly have known about. So, real important episode.

Chop Kick Panda

A pleasantly plump panda defends his tiny village against an evil tiger warrior who's bent on retrieving a powerful amulet in this animated tale (no relation to the blockbuster Kung Fu Panda).

NONE YOU SAY? I don’t see why you’d think I would make that comparison. Seriously guys, at least change the bad guy at least. Haven’t you ever heard of MadLibs?

Demon King Daimao - Episode 7: "The Legendary Hero Emerges?!"

Why so shocked, title? You didn’t think a hero would show up? Don’t be so incredulous, guy.

LAST TIME: Lots of tits. Oh, and apparently there’s some prophecy on this island that suggests that the main character might die, but I really don’t see that happening. And the robot was shot. And people are drunk. Okay, I guess a lot of other stuff did happen.

Shadowpact #2: "Pentacle"

Oh Detective Chimp looks so scared! Don’t try to stab him with a knife! Also, I like how they managed to get almost everyone on here, except the only person who actually got in a fight last issue. I guess we’ve already seen that?

LAST ISSUE: There’s some kind of blood bubble over a boring Colorado town, Superman can’t deal, so instead the magic squad goes in and they still haven’t come out yet. It’s been like a year. What the heck is going on in there? Are they having a party?

FlashForward - Episode 19: "Course Correction"

That is assuming that the series isn’t heading straight for a ditch.

LAST TIME: FBI Lesbian isn’t really a saboteur after all. She was just pretending to be one to trick the bad guys. Also, Nurse Lady still think she’s in the FBI and meets with Baltar, who lets her know that D. Gibbons did experiments on him, and also her entire life is a lie. So, that’s great.

Superman/Batman Apocalypse

Hey, you guys remember that comic book I read, right? With Supergirl and Darkseid and a whole bunch of confusing plot points. Well, apparently they made a movie out of that arc. I know! And it was probably animated in Flash, so that counts for my CGI requirement. Shut up it does.

NetFlix Synopsis: Endowed with powers equal to Superman's, Supergirl splashes down on Earth in the midst of a hail of Kryptonite. No sooner has she landed than the problems begin for the Caped Crusader, who must rescue her when Darkseid nabs her. To thwart Darkseid's plans to make Supergirl one of his Female Furies, Batman must join forces with Superman to confront the powerful enemies Darkseid has assembled around his control center in Apokolips.

Wait, there was a hail of Kryptonite? How? Did the dust from planet Krypton finally get here? And why is it Batman’s job to take care of her? She’s Supergirl. Ask for Superman’s help, dummy. They have the same name!

Demon King Daimao - Episode 6: "Let's Go to the Beach House"

There’s a…beach school. Oh god, this is a swimsuit episode isn’t it? Okay! Bring it on! I can take it!

LAST TIME: Our heroes, all of them, even though half of them seemed to do it randomly, went down into some secret catacombs, managed to wake up a fucking dragon, and then the dragon was tamed by the main character and now everyone suddenly lives underground? Also people can not stop leaping panties first at our hero. He’s got appeal?

Shadowpact #1: "Death in a Small Town"

There is but one reason and one reason alone I am reading Shadowpact. Okay two. The first being I just finished a Marvel story, so I should wait until I go after Trouble (Oh yes, it’s coming). But the second is Detective Chimp. Who doesn’t love Detective Chimp? He’s a monkey who wears a deerstalker! There are also five other guys here though…and I only really recognize Blue Devil, also known as like the only Christian in the DC universe. So of course he looks like a devil. So let’s meet all these other guys, huh?

FlashForward - Episode 18: "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"

So, you’re referencing a song that references a concept in a book, even though the song has nothing to do with the book and seems to muddle the concept of the yellow brick road in the first place. Therefore, I’m going to assume that the episode itself really misses the reference, and everything can confused and awful.

LAST TIME: Dmitri is safe! And D. Gibbons is dead! But not before being super cryptic and then dying from a shot to the head from the single character whose importance since the very beginning was shockingly unclear. Why was the FBI tracking the Terrorist Lady in the first place is she was actually a member of this super secret organization that they didn’t even know about yet? And why the hell would she be in a moving car during the blackout that should knew was going to happen? Anyway! Now Baltar is suddenly in the cast, so that’ll make things more exciting.

Taking a snooze

I have been slowly falling behind, so I'm going to take the week off, build up my back catalog again, and wait until after I buy a crapload of comics trades with my special coupon before I select the next Comics Wednesdays. So...don't expect anything this week. Sorry, nobody reading this!

Demon King Daimao - Episode 5: "Underground Labyrinth"

Um. Okay. I haven’t really heard of a labyrinth that wasn’t underground. Well, except for the titular Labyrinth, with David Bowie. Okay never mind. I guess this is a sign that you’d kinda want to see. Then you know to turn around!

LAST TIME: After some bullshit, our main character gets put into detention, for some reason, and after hijinks, he finds a map, that is apparently a really big fucking deal. After some nonsense, involving some character we have never seen before inviting him to her Magic Box, he now has to follow the treasure map because…

New Avengers #6

And let’s give another round for our cast! Although I’m confused why Wolvie and Spider-Man have to hang out with the scrubs in the lower right there. They’re just as big as Cap and Tony, and are definitely a lot more important than that building. Seriously, who did Stark Tower pay off for its placement here? How does it have an income? It’s a building.

LAST TIME: We are in the Savage Land, where there are dinosaurs and everything crashes, and after some fapping around, the heroes run into exactly who they were looking for and get half the answers they want. And then, awesomely, that guy turns into a pterodactyl with hypno powers. And then he gets shot in the head, because tension is important, I guess.

FlashForward - Episode 17: "The Garden of Forking Paths"

Instead of subtly poking at the title, let me tell you about the time that I was seriously considering writing an article explaining how the post modernism in Borges’ short story “The Garden of Forking Paths” was helpful in understanding writing roleplaying game campaigns. The opening statement would conclude with me quoting the story and then follow with the sentence, “It all depended on who won initiative.” Really.

LAST TIME: It is suddenly three days from DD-Day (Dmitri’s Death Day), and Dmitri finally decided to flip fate the middle finger and run the fuck away! No wait, he planned to do so, but first he hangs around town for like a day, giving ample time for D. Gibbons to kidnap him, as well as FBI Guy’s daughter. Oh, also, Doctor Wife made out with Magician Guy, which is bullshit.

Demon King Daimao - Episode 4: "The Isolation Cell is Fun?"

Maybe they have a game closet in there? You can play Parcheesi while you’re being punished for an unspecified crime! Royal game of India!

LAST TIME: I still have no idea…our villain (who is suddenly a villain) tries to trick our hero into injecting himself with some pills that would make him fall in love with her, and somehow this caused the entire school to chase the hero with swords, and then rice fell from the sky, and oh god brain aneurysm.

New Avengers #5

Oh man it’s Wolverine. Hey Wolverine! How are you! In every comic book ever? That’s neat. I wonder who he’s mad at. Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong?

LAST TIME: The Avengers are totally together again, and as their first action, they make Electro pee himself. Then they manage to get a bunch of criminals sell out their allies for a donut. Then they fly to the Savage Lands for reasons that aren’t incredibly clear, and for some reason Wolverine is there.

Toyota Vensa

Because fuck young people, with their Facebooks and their Friendsters and their Youtubes! Class warfare is where it's at! Ignore the fact that everyone is this ad looks like an alien from Galaxy Quest, obviously the problem is people with enough disposable income to buy this stupid hunk of steel. Old people know where it is at! Down with the young! Don't cut Medicare!

FlashForward - Episode 16: "Let No Man Put Asunder"

I was going to tell a grammar joke, but I misunderstood what was a verb and what was an adverb, and it’s a bible quote anyone so it doesn’t really matter, because that book plays by its own rules anyway, so let’s call it a wash, huh?

LAST TIME: There was a mole in the FBI, so they spend the whole time trying to weasel that out, and eventually it’s revealed to be someone we don’t know, but in a surprise twist I guess FBI Lesbian is also the mole? Meanwhile, the Japanese lady struggles to get a job and eventually is taken in by ICE, all while her future boyfriend is macking on Babysitter chick. So…sucks for her, I guess.

Demon King Daimao - Episode 3: "A Slightly Intimidating Senior"

She walks up on you with her cane and her dentures and tells you a story about World War II and…oh, you probably mean the other kind of senior. (Easy joke.)

LAST TIME: Things calm down a bit and apparently our MC is being watched by a robot, no clue why, and then he goes into the woods so he can talk to someone. This process, for some reason, requires him to stare at panties. Oh, and there was a head in a jar.

HTC Status: Blink-182

HTC Status: The only phone that does something completely and absolutely useless.

No really, who the hell would ever use this? Who would want a passive aggressive phone that demands that every single time you took a picture or whatever that immediately insisted that you told everyone you know? Every single time you take some neat picture of, say, a dog in a sweater, your phone is immediately going to say, "You should post that on Facebook!" Fuck that phone! Fuck everything about that phone! And fuck Blink-182, while we're at it! Go back to obscurity where you belong, you tattooed holligans!

New Avengers #4

You guys like splash covers that convey absolutely nothing? Because this has to be like the fourth one we’ve had so far. Out of four. Although I hadn’t noticed that Spider-Woman’s costume has fins or something on it. Is that so she can swim better? Does Spider-Woman swim?

LAST TIME: After that totally climactic prison fight that we sure did see, Captain America wants to get the Avengers back together, but without the influence of governments or secretive headquarters. So he invites all his friends and Spider-Woman, who works for a government organization, and they go to Stark Tower, where they will operate unbeknownst to the public. Going well so far! Oh, and Spider-Woman is probably evil.

Stoli: Julia Stiles

Stoli vodka: But seriously, what has Julia Stiles been up to? Dexter? Dexter doesn't not count.

I will not bag on Julia Stiles, because she is a lovely lady who did very well being a complete bitch in that one movie I saw her in. Nor will I unfairly mention that she hasn't been in a "movie" for over four years. No, I'm going to mention how eerie it is that she can convey two different people that are obviously her! The power of the ponytail!

FlashForward - Episode 15: "Queen Sacrifice"

This is a chess thing. I know what chess is. That means D. (D stands for Douchebag) Gibbons is probably going to make an appearance. Although why this guy goes by D. Gibbons when he's actually named something entirely different is a very good question that I hope gets answered.

LAST TIME: The majority of the FBI and Friends went to Africa, where all non-named characters were shot by a vicious warlord. The one who had to stay home got in a lot of fights with his wife. Also Nurse Guy apparently forgot about his Future Girlfriend and instead spent a lot of time flirting with Babysitter and tells her he has cancer. Have you forgotten he has cancer? You wouldn’t be blamed.

Demon King Daimao - Episode 2: "Secret Surveillance Agent"

As opposed to all the normal surveillance agents, who are watching your every clandestine move for reasonable reasons, and always wave hello when you go out for coffee in the morning.

LAST TIME: Hell if I know! Some guy joins some magic academy and the Sorting Hat says he’s going to be the Demon King and that suddenly makes him the school pariah and his girlfriend keeps wanting to beat the shit out of him because of it, but she keeps losing and all her clothes fall off. Also two other ladies show up in the last two minutes for no reason, but they’re on the cover, so I guess they’re important.