Netflix Synopsis: The timeless children's classic comes roaring to life in this star-studded animated tale of a train who overcomes every obstacle in his way. Repeating the words "I think I can, I think I can," the little engine scales heights and finds friends. Whoopi Goldberg, Jamie Lee Curtis, Corbin Bleu and Brenda Song provide the voices in stories about resilience and the value of companionship and teamwork. All aboard!
Corbin Bleu is in this! That’s all the commentary I got, because that is hilarious. That guy was the nobody from High School Musical!
0:07 UNIVERSAL? This is a real movie?
0:41 The first dumb words we hear from the movie is “Choo Choo.” Take that as you will.
1:24 I’m not enjoying this Thomas the Tank Engine reimagining.
2:04 Are they forcing the clowns to ride in the same car as the giraffes? Isn’t that racist? Against clowns?
3:00 Oh shit Patrick Warburton is in this! Why isn’t he on the list?
3:22 Wait what? This is a dream train station? The hell does that mean?
4:25 I want to hear the beginning of that train joke!
5:44 Thanks a lot, high school wrestling coach train engine!
6:22 He also couldn’t believe that someone would make such a stupid looking pocket watch. Also, why are we not at the train yard?
7:28 I wouldn’t take that random bully threat seriously, kid. In the first place, you won’t be going to school forever. Second, tell a fucking grown-up.
8:16 To be fair, Marcus, your Plan B was “take karate.” Your plans are kinda dumb.
9:35 This kid suddenly got really cold, and thought that inside a boxcar would be the proper place to warm up, because he’s an idiot.
11:05 Oh hey, I didn’t know the downloadable casual game Luxor had a train expansion.
11:47 “Peanut roaster.” Is that racist?
13:02 Oh shit everything has a face!
13:22 “You ripped a hole in the dream reality continuum.” Seriously? That’s the reason everything is broken? That doesn’t make any sense.
13:53 HAHA! Trainwreck! Get it? We’re trains!
14:31 So…if a real person comes to Dreamland, the tunnel collapses, and in order to fix the tunnel, they need to return the real person? How dumb is that?
15:22 They have brooms for trains.
16:57 So…who dugs the dream tunnel? Other trains? A lot about this mythology doesn’t make any sense.
18:31 HAHA! The tower never throws tickertape parades! That would require roads! And tickertape!
19:27 Why the hell would taking him over the mountain immediately fix the tunnel?
19:40 You seriously didn’t get that this was dream land? There are talking trains!
20:30 If this isn’t a dream, then how could I do something under my own power? I mean seriously!
21:45 Why can’t you stop, demon train? What the hell is your problem? Why are you even doing your regular route if everything is fucking broke?
22:58 This kid sure is pretty cynical.
23:34 Oh thank god we were told the viewpoint character’s name. It’s Richard, by the way.
24:28 “This must be Mushroom Forest. It’s just like Rusty described.” Full of fucking mushrooms! Don’t know why I thought it would be different.
25:06 A glowing mushroom? That’s what causes you irremarkable wonder?
25:57 HOLY CRAP! They did a “Jamie Lee Curtis is not a hermaphrodite” joke in this children’s movie about dream trains!
26:32 Corbin Bleu plays a giraffe that is high all the time. So…not much of a stretch for him them.
27:59 Oh…Patrick Warburton Caboose is sad…
28:32 I mean seriously, who decides to do a magic trick in the middle of a serious discussion?
30:30 I’m…pretty sure that not facing a bully does not suddenly cause you to get stranded in Dream Land. That’s kind of a “WTF” scenario.
31:28 There is a station out here near Dream Mountain? Then why the hell are all the other trains stationed dozens of miles from this location? This is the only destination they have!
33:20 What the hell is going on? I do not understand the logistics of dream trains? What is with this stupid mythology?
34:17 That is some fucked up shit! If these toys aren’t delivered in time, they blink out of existence?
35:12 You might find this hard to believe, but the Ballerina expresses herself exclusively in dance routines.
36:21 Since when are these dream trains beholden to the physical manipulation of switches?
37:13 What is up with that plane? Why doesn’t he just fly over the mountain and tell his friends to fuck off?
37:40 UG! There’s a romantic plot between the ballerina toy and the toy soldier. I don’t want to hear it!
38:38 Okay, one more question. Who the hell built this bridge? (Seriously, I do not get Dream Land. Miss Saigon really led me astray.)
40:15 So…this is the end of the journey, right? If a piece of track disappears, there’s really nothing you can do.
41:05 Wait no that wouldn’t work at all! A piece of rope is not a substitute for an iron track!
42:40 You neglected to tell him the second part of that common saying!
43:41 Where the hell did that perfectly shaped piece of metal come from? It didn’t come for that yardarm they just salvaged, that’s for damn sure.
44:36 Oh no a puddle of water!
45:12 Another train station! Who keeps building these things? Also, why are they scared of an abandoned train station? It’s not that scary!
46:40 Patrick Warburton is an ass man. That’s how I’m choosing to interpret that stupid line.
47:41 HOLY SHIT THERE’S ANOTHER TRAIN HERE!
49:03 Which you probably heard about because he just said so! You were right here the whole time!
50:32 Oh crap he got creepy really quickly!
51:53 What the goddamn are the bullies doing here?
52:33 Oh clowns. You think all your problems can be solved with pies.
53:01 “We’re in a nightmare within a nightmare.” Ahem. BWWWAAAMM!
54:04 Oh what do you know? Trains are useless when not on tracks.
54:56 What do you mean how did the plane get away? It’s a plane! It is a significantly better mode of transportation than a train! Trains suck!
56:14 You seriously forgot about the very obvious water tower? Also, there is snow literally everywhere. Snow is solid water!
57:48 That was the worst plan! What are the odds that you would land on some tracks after falling off the cliff?
59:20 HEY! Nightmare train! Wait for me! Come on! Don’t be evil!
1:01:28 Are you ready for some pandering bullshit, because it’s coming?
1:02:38 It’s almost like I have no peripheral vision because I’m a train that only moves in one direction!
1:03:22 Did…the Nightmare Train just give up?
1:03:53 I can’t believe I never tried escaping before! It was really easy! I should have done this hours ago!
1:04:58 They got rid of the train by…forcing it to go the wrong way? That sure is anticlimactic?
1:05:59 Oh thank goodness some resolution to that stupid romantic subplot. That was very necessary.
1:07:01 Oh here we go! Let’s think we can people!
1:09:00 Hurray they did it! Now let’s stop and talking about it instead of finishing our stupid mission!
1:10:04 Holy crap I hadn’t even realized that this movie had a Silent Bob. And he’s voiced by Not-James-Earl-Jones.
1:10:54 That might have been something to see. Too bad it wasn’t in the budget.
1:12:01 Wait, the bullies are beating up a vending machine to get free goods, and they beat up the vending machine full of fresh fruit?
1:13:05 Right here in River City!
1:13:35 Come on! A small argument about a pocket watch would be an incredibly stupid reason to not be friends anymore.
1:15:04 Wait, wasn’t that guy abandoned on the side of the road? How did he get back here?
1:15:48 TITLE NAME DROP! Now we can end this thing!
1:16:34 OH MY! There are terrifying imagines of the lucky “children” who finally got their toys delivered. I do not like these!
1:17:43 Nightmare Train is sad :(.
1:18:18 How telling is it that the TITLE CHARACTER is listed 19th in the cast list? And Patrick Warburton is 20th? WHAT? He was the Tick!
Verdict: MAN! That was pointless.
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