Wait, a gnome is forbidding his son from tinkering? But that’s what gnomes do! Unless, of course, it’s a random, crappy, who-cares fantasy gnome with a pointy hat…which seems to be the case here. I also love the colon, like this is part of a series and people will actually be making more of these. (This is what I get for actually doing research: Gnomes and Trolls 2)
Also, pointing out a couple things that are blatant lies. First, the center character is in fact shorter than the guy on his left that appears to be half his size. Heck, all the proportions are off. Second, the banner is misleading; as Joel Cohen and Alex Sokolow are executive producers, not actually involved in the production at all. Also, even if they were…these are the two morons responsible for Daddy Day Camp. Let’s get going!
0:21 Nonstop Sales? Just calling yourself that doesn’t make it true.
0:36 Shark! Wait, this is just another production card?
1:10 Yeah, what’s up, baby deer. Just filming here, don’t look at the camera.
1:20 Oh Christ it talks!
1:55 “Is there any place safer in the forest than at the Gnome Log?” Well, if you want to jinx the hell out of it, then I’m going to say sure.
2:05 Lost: Gnome Edition.
2:44 Was the point of the invention to explode? Because you definitely achieved that.
3:15 Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive, kid.
3:56 This dad gnome keeps going for Patrick Stewart by way of Sean Connery, and he keeps falling just short.
4:30 Oh adorable, the “o” in the title has a beard and hat.
5:24 Our antagonists, ladies and general. A couple of big, dumb idiots.
6:19 This troll is doing a faux Russian accent, so apparently this is a Cold War allegory film.
7:02 Wait, the defense mechanism of this berry is to taste really delicious so you’ll eat it and turn to stone? I don’t think it knows how defense works.
7:40 “What did you do with my sack?”
8:27 Yeah, I’m sure your dad didn’t notice it took you about ten seconds to stand up while you stole something from his pocket.
9:05 Right here in River City!
9:25 How did something he was touching turn invisible as well?
10:30 I have no idea what kind of bird this is but I hate it and I don’t know why it’s here.
11:05 Is there anything in this woods that don’t talk?
12:24 That’s not how you spell Ophelia.
13:14 Ah, okay. So he’s going to leave the forest to be with other innovators, despite the fact that he’s never been out of the forest and has no reason to believe there is anything else out there. And we get to hear a song.
14:18 The troll just threw a rock straight into the air and it came down on his head. A staple of slapstick, this one.
15:07 Well, we almost died, but I can’t think of a reason to stop smiling!
16:09 Despite the fact that I could easily carry you and about five pounds of wood and metal before, I just can’t seem to get you off the ground.
16:36 Why is Dad Gnome swinging around like Tarzan?
17:14 Ah, the AT-AT takedown.
18:05 There sure are a lot of things that shouldn’t hug hugging in cartoons. This time, crow on gnome.
19:03 Dad Troll, you need to raise your voice or something. You’re not doing a very good job of controlling your spawn.
20:10 Applesauce and goat’s milk? That sounds disgusting.
21:11 Ew! Let’s not do bird poop jokes.
21:32 FLY AWAY! Why aren’t you flying away? (Oh, he’s injured.)
22:36 Where did that egg come from? Does he just keep an egg in his ear for just such an occasion?
23:25 The Secret Chamber is full of food? That’s the lamest chamber I’ve ever heard about.
24:41 That is the lamest way to ask for sex, Dad Gnome. “Please, come with me.”
25:03 You asked him to fix the hole in the wall with nails? That would have been remarkably ineffective. His plaster mold works a lot better.
26:20 Any particular reason that troll was singing an aria? No? Just general fucking goofiness?
27:03 How did the trolls steal all the food? This is obviously a gnome-sized tunnel.
28:19 Take this, a meaningless badge that will not help you in the slightest.
28:50 And despite the fact that it’s been at most five minutes since they were last outside, there is suddenly an inch of snow on the ground.
30:17 You no longer eat stolen food? Why? Is it high in fat?
32:12 What the hell is going on? Why did the Troll King make that non-sensical statement about nature?
33:22 He has four reasons to give up? What are they?
34:26 So…they kidnapped the gnome mom in order to cook them meatballs, despite the fact that so far, gnomes have appears to be vegetarians and wouldn’t know how to cook on a pan they can stand in.
36:09 Gnome Mom just successfully bribed the smart troll with a merit badge. And it worked.
37:10 Haha! It’s funny because his race is inherently evil!
37:49 Don’t do it! Don’t snowboard!
38:12 FUCK SHE’S DOING IT!
39:14 Oh good, another stupid obnoxious character. This one is a hedgehog with ticks.
40:11 Fart joke, take a drink.
40:25 Oh fuck, the hedgehog just became the Hulk. Or possibly Wolverine.
42:36 And…it looks like the little gnome is giving the hedgehog a proctal exam.
44:47 Apparently surf music just naturally occurs in this drybed.
45:53 You’re coming back to cure his schizophrenia?
46:13 Is this a third personality? Why did they think an insane hedgehog would be an legitimately entertaining character?
46:59 There’s a vulture now? Aren’t they native to pretty much everywhere but here?
47:54 Zylom?!
48:18 Here, this will cure your arm. An ugly glowing caterpillar, just plopped right on it.
49:37 We’re in a second forest? Since when? Since why? No seriously. What the hell is going on?
50:33 The crow friend is having a legitimate shitfit.
51:29 Ah, it’s one of those magic holes to makes you fall up.
52:53 Oh no, a bag full of sunflower seeds! Why is this a big deal?
53:31 The crow was lying about his injury?! Then why didn’t he fly when it was legitimately advantageous for him to when no one was looking?
54:45 Why are you walking? We’ve already stated that you can fly!
56:16 Oh no she hit the troll’s hand with a stick!
58:22 Why would you need to turn invisible if the only person in the room is already asleep?
58:50 Also, nice work. The potion wore off within 15 seconds and he totally saw you.
1:00:07 Don’t worry, I’m going to totally bring help! I can’t imagine what could go wrong saying my intentions in front of the enemies!
1:01:19 Haha! The good troll is actually on our side, and he just poisoned his own father! For a merit badge!
1:01:58 When did the crow have the opportunity to swallow the key?
1:02:27 “Well played, only now I’m going to do something I don’t like doing.” Standing up.
1:02:46 Oh good, the insane hedgehog is still alive. But not for long it seems.
1:03:20 Where the hell did the trolls find a diving helmet?
1:03:37 And why isn’t the good troll carrying the bag? It’s obviously too heavy for the crow.
1:05:18 When creating your ultimate villain, maybe consider a weapon other than a slingshot.
1:05:54 Oh good, slap fight.
1:06:29 Oh right, that berry we’ve established early that could turn somebody to stone. Although the only people who used it weren’t there for the conversation when it was mentioned…so…
1:07:26 Oh hey, I forgot you could fly. It seems almost pointless for me to have a flying machine.
1:08:55 Why did Dad suddenly change his mind about his son being an inventor? None of his inventions actually helped on the mission.
1:09:19 No, he hung out with you because there are like three other characters in the forest.
1:09:39 That was a weird title card.
1:10:11 We are going to teach you karate, animals of the forest! To protect yourself!
1:11:02 Where the hell were you sleeping before if you’ve never been in a bed?
1:12:13 Oh! They imprisoned the bad troll to do manual labor for the rest of his life! Haha, this guys are surely virtuous.
1:14:00 And after a leisurely stroll through a greenhouse, we get an ending title card.
1:14:30 Oh, and here’s a song about flying, because what else did you expect?
Verdict: Well that was pretty tonedeaf. Nothing that happened really led into the next thing, I really really hated that hedgehog character, and when the final plan at the end seemed to revolved around enslavement, I just can’t stand behind it. It was kinda nice that there was a strong, older female protagonist that actually did stuff, but the whole thing was just a mess.
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