Oh man, is Buzz Aldrin going to punch a guy in this?! Okay, probably not. I also like the “could” in the second sentence, as if this movie has a possibility that the rocket could explode in space, unlike how the events happened in actual history.
Also, because of a story that I’m not going to tell you, this movie is responsible for why I try not to swear in public. So, I’m going swear extra hard in this review. Fuck you, Fly Me to the Moon.
0:29 Summit Entertainment: You’ve heard of us!
1:00 These bugs aren’t talking. I’m not feeling whimsy!
1:20 Is this the Crackdown guy?! Oh man, he could totally see my house from a rocket.
1:57 Oh hey, they haven’t gotten the events of history completely and totally wrong yet. So, there’s a plus.
2:57 Yeah, I guess you’re kinda obligated to play this song…
4:01 Big Tony’s Junkyard. Way closer to the Cape Canaveral launch pad then we should be! Come for our ash-covered junk.
4:57 “Obesity of very rare in flies. “
6:25 I was going to ask why all the flies sound like they’re from the 60’s, then I remembered this was set in the 60’s, then I realized this statement was pointless, and then…
7:57 Wait, the main dude fly’s last name is McFly? Come on! Hello!
8:38 Check out how much time we wasted on animating a goddamn dump.
9:35 Hippie dude fly, trying to talk ladies to come into his cup and munch on some grass.
10:13 Crap joke! Take a drink.
10:43 And Christopher Lloyd tells a sexist joke to a bunch of maggots. Fantastic.
11:09 Wait a minute, Christopher Lloyd is playing Grandpa McFly!? Oh man, wait until I tell fanfiction.net about this.
11:30 Here you go, some junk I found in the closet that will remind you of the time you almost died! Happy birthday.
14:43 Is Amelia Earhart at all concerned that flies keep parking on her shoulder?
15:33 Again with the hatred of dreamers. I want to see a kid’s movie that tells dreamers to stuff it.
16:05 Oh fuck, there are songs in this too?
16:16 Oh, I guess not. Goodbye, truncated crappy song.
17:32 The fly does not seem to understand that when the rocket takes off, it doesn’t immediately come back, and assume they can just walk on back once it’s over. Also, they’ve seen a lot of flights? Can’t flies only live for about a month?
19:29 Flies don’t have ears!
22:35 Oh shit spider! This should prove to be a true, terrifying antagonist oh it’s just for color, and also not sentient, apparently.
23:25 Why would you just not get into the lunch pail now? Why split up and cause a boring action scene?
26:21 Lord of the Flies?! What a completely insane reference! Does this family of flies worship the devil?
26:55 Then you fly out the holes that you can obviously fit through…
27:20 Dude, flies just came out of your lunch pail? You do not ignore that then and immediately start eating your banana.
27:48 We thought you were the fly that we just watched get crushed to death.
28:03 Oh of course the fly isn’t dead. It’s a kid’s movie!
28:43 And why did we bring the babies to come find our children? And only two of them? There are at least a dozen maggots.
29:30 How do you know that? I find your excuse insufficient!
30:41 I was unaware that soda jerks were heavily involved in the Apollo 11 launch.
33:37 Oh good, Swan Lake. This is not a hackneyed song to include over footage over weightlessness.
33:43 Hey Neil, you ever noticed that we look exactly the same? Isn’t that fucking eerie?
34:20 Aren’t these flies? Shouldn’t weightlessness be not that big of deal to them, on account of having wings? I don’t know, who understand aeronautics?
36:44 Wait, if you don’t have a TV, how do you know that they’ll be broadcasting the astronauts on TV?
38:01 Is the camera dramatically zooming during these scenes, or do flies have supervision?
38:26 Oh, I guess humans can see them too, but are obviously not worried about it because it’s a dang fly, and it’ll suffocated shortly.
39:11 Guys! Guys, you are in orbit! You are doing it wrong.
39:28 Yes, Russia. We could tell because of the oompaa music and the bulb roofs.
40:00 Oh what the fuck Russian Communist flies?
40:04 And the leader’s name is Poopchev?!
40:26 And Grandpa McFly’s old flame is there, suddenly remembers that fling she had over 40 years ago? And she doesn’t look fucking ancient?
41:35 How are you going to stop a space flight that already in progress, you stupid goddamn flies?
42:11 Ah yes, changing the re-entry codes! That will surely stop the Americans from landing on the moon oh no wait that will just make the astronauts martyrs instead…
43:09 You have flies aboard, and you should make it a top priority to get rid of them, instead of, you know, waiting for them to slowly die.
44:02 Wait a dang minute, the flies unplugged something! Shouldn’t that be a big concern?
45:13 Sir, I understand we have a problem, but I’d rather bitch about you instead of fixing it.
45:36 Sure was nice of the astronaut to open up that panel for them.
46:22 Yes, that piece of olive that you pulled out of your ass will surely solve the problem.
46:44 Good job, Buzz Aldrin, for fixing it without actually doing anything! Go ahead and take credit for it. (Also, if that was his only line, I’m going to be pissed.)
47:47 Is there an Imperial drone on the moon already? (Man with a fat leg)
49:05 And our heroes are instantly killed by Mace!
49:20 Oh no, they put them in a tube for some stupid reason.
50:35 That’s right, a numbing spray that they brought along with them on their trip to the moon. In case there were space flies.
51:30 I am currently actively rooting for our heroes to fail and spend the rest of the movie in a goddamn tube.
51:58 History doesn’t record how much of a whiny bitch Armstrong was.
52:49 Be prepared for possible abort, right now, while you are literally 10 feet from landing on the moon.
54:06 You didn’t think about the fact that you’re currently weightless? Didn’t you do an entire weightless synchronized swimming routine not 15 minutes ago?
54:41 Why is there so much garbage just floating around the dang lunar module?
58:09 This has to be actual dialogue from the moon landing, because it was really really boring.
58:37 Somewhere in the back of mission control there is some guy bitching about how he messed up the line.
59:29 Not learning from the last time they wasted precious time a junkyard, here’s a six second shot of some really ugly dudes clapping.
59:50 He heard the goddamn fly?!
1:00:32 Didn’t this movie have a plot, or conflict? Can we get back to that instead of nonstop celebrating?
1:01:16 WHAT IN THE GOD?! How did a fly get to America from Russia? Where did she know where to go?
1:02:00 They finally remembered that goddamn Russian fly subplot. (Russian fly subplot, are you serious?)
1:05:40 Authorized Personal Only.
1:06:00 Ah, it’s Darryl, and his other Russian comrade Darryl.
1:06:15 Yes, a fly waving a tiny American flag wouldn’t arise a lot of suspicion.
1:07:04 Oh no! He’s going to be left behind in the lunar module! I know this because…um…
1:07:48 And the fat fly is stuck in the hose.
1:08:59 They are American flies?! If they were French flies you’d be all for killing them?
1:09:30 And Grandpa McFly immediately shirks off responsibility to some other guys.
1:11:36 We have been given absolutely no reason to care about these characters. I think they’ve only had two lines.
1:12:42 Yep, this fight would be super awesome if I gave a damn about anyone involved.
1:13:35 Guys! Guys! Stop the explosives! Don’t stand around watching a fistfight! You’ve important stuff to do.
1:14:20 We say it in reverse, technically.
1:14:53 How the fuck is he doing that? You can’t supercharge a fan just by touching some wires together.
1:16:17 What the fuck? The maggots suddenly aged enough to have wings, arms, and legs? And instantly know how to do kung-fu?
1:18:10 Hurray, the command module landed safely! Now to figure out how to get the flies back from the Pacific Ocean.
1:18:49 And the Russian flies immediately defect to Miami Beach.
1:20:19 Oh hey the Moms aren’t mad after all.
1:21:16 Holy shit it’s live-action Buzz Aldrin!
1:21:40 And he just straight-up said that the movie was scientifically impossible and he thinks the whole thing is stupid! You’re my new hero, Buzz Aldrin!
Verdict: Did you guys actually have a plot planned, or just make it up as you go? You got 40 minutes in and realized “oh shit, we need an actual antagonist?” Who put out the firecrackers? How did the flies survive in space exactly? Why was there so much crap flying around the lunar module during landing? Why did you neglect to name half the fucking characters?
The ending cracked me up, however, as Buzz Aldrin metaphorically socked the movie in the face for calling him a liar, just as I hoped. Keep it up, Buzz!
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