Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - Issue 1: "The Long Way Home Part 1"

This will be an unpopular decision. But, it’s time to take on an independent series, and I don’t have a ton of faith in the Buffy comic book, after everything I’ve heard about it. (Air sex, mainly.) Also, Faith, get it? Anyway, please don’t stab me for making fun of something that is mildly beloved.

The Gates - Episode 13: "Moving Day"

So, we’re leaving? Okay sure, screw all these vampires or whatever. Let’s just…leave.

LAST TIME: The owner guy, apparently not dead, wants to become a vampire, and everyone is mad about it. But eventually he does it anyway, but ends up with poisoned blood and decides to kill himself because? I really didn’t understand the conflict. Anyway, it seems everyone is prepared to just put all this bullshit behind them.

Moeyo Ken - Episode 3: "For Sport and Play I Think We Were Born"

Yeah…sure…um…so, either give me like, three hits of what you got or I’m gonna bounce. No no, I’m sure you’re right, but…

LAST TIME: Everyone goes to a hot spring, and someone this ends up with everyone traveling to the center of the Earth and seeing dinosaurs? Listen, I don’t really know what’s going on. I’m kinda out of my depth when it is supposed to be funny. “Supposed to.”

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 4

So, apparently I really hate this book, because every time I think, "Oh, I should probably finish that last issue," I just...can't. I have been putting this crap off for a goddamn week. Sorry for the wait, here it is. Eat it in. More Transformers bullshit.

LAST TIME: Transformers bullshit.

The Gates - Episode 12: "Bad Moon Rising"

Oh okay, so werewolf subplot, which isn’t exactly all that exciting, will be wrapping up. Well, I hope someone dies! Anyone?

LAST TIME: The sheriff is haunted by a river ghost of that girl who died in front of him half a season ago. It gets really scary there until the ghost decides not to get vengeance on him for some reason. It’s not superclear why. Also, the succubus gets her boyfriend back for no reason. Hopefully they are never mentioned again.

Moeyo Ken - Episode 3: "Let Your Skin Glow in the Steam"

Can I…not? Is there a non-glowing option? Is that extra? I’ll pay extra. Listen, I really don’t want anyone to know I’m here, okay?

LAST TIME: The main character wants to go back to China, so everyone freaks out and decided to brew a love potion to force him to stay, because asking him was out of the question. Anyway, the love potion accidently hits an octopus, who goes on a rampage, and is stopped, and whatever.

The Gates - Episode 11: "Surfacing"

Yeah, no clue. I’m not even sure what that means in the context of the show! Were they all underwater the whole time? Is that the twist?

LAST TIME: The vampire’s child was stolen from them by the only other vampire we care about. Turns out he gave her back to her family, who had been illegally squatting in her childhood home and were immediately okay with having her back in their life. Also the succubus confesses that she is a succubus to mopeypants, but he’s like nah.

Moeyo Ken - Episode 2: "Touch a Maiden's Hair"

Well, this got gross fast.

LAST TIME: Some dude goes home to Kyoto to hang out with a bunch of crazy ladies and a giant turtle monster attacks. Also, a whole bunch of names ending with vowels are said, in a way that makes me think we were supposed to be paying attention!

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 3

Where are the childrens’ hand holding up these sweet action figures? And who is making the pew pew noises?

LAST TIME: The Transformers get the Avengers to calm their shit with some magical technology thing, and then they stand around for over 14 hours trying to tear down a wall. Eventually something happens and Iron Man shows up.

The Gates - Episode 10: "Little Girl Lost"

You can tell this is an edgy show because they uses the super cool “Adjective Noun Adjective” for their show title instead of the less ridiculous sounding “Adjective Adjective Noun.”

LAST TIME: Some fakey FBI agent shows up to smoke out all the vampires, and the sheriff tries to stop her for some reason, then changes his mind, and she gets killed probably. The sheriff’s son moves onto a new girl, and good for him, and apparently that guy who was killed episode before last actually got away and has kidnapped a child.

Moeyo Ken: Episode 1 - "Welcome Home"

Netflix Synopsis: Set in an alternate version of the Meiji era, this wacky anime series follows Yuuko Kondou, Toshie Hijikata and Kaoru Okita, daughters of former members of the legendary samurai Shinsengumi team. Following in their fathers' footsteps, the three young women work to protect Japan from evil forces. But modern-day problems -- including a chronic lack of funds -- and surreal adversaries make the job much tougher than it was for their fathers.

So, let’s move onto something with a bit less leering, a bit more swordplay. Also, rollercoasters, apparently. I’m cool with that, roller coasters are neat enough. Wish I knew what on earth the Meiji era was, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to both to look it up.

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 2

For some reason the cover artist was under the impression that Wolverine is actually a dog. Like a bulldog. Look at him, it's so cute.

LAST TIME: The Avengers were all huge dicks to each other, and then the Transformers showed up and were as awesome as possible, because of course Transformers are better than your stupid comic book heroes.

The Gates - Episode 9: "Identity Crisis"

In this episode, they are going to spice up the backstory with some rape, kill the wife of one of my favorite characters for a stupid reason, and then everyone will be mad at each other for no reason. Yeah, I do reference DC comics too much.

LAST TIME: The alpha wolf gets beat up and it causes some serious shit, including the sheriff figuring out werewolves exist and being totally okay with burying the secret. The vampires have a tiff, and it ends with one of them being murdered. And the succubus broke up with her boring boyfriend. So no idea what this one will be about.