Battle for Terra

There is something I love about CGI films, which is that they so easily go wrong. It takes years upon years to make everything look exactly right when it is computer-generated, based mainly on the exceedingly high standards created by Pixar, and this attention to detail often supersedes actually hiring talent, decent writing, or even competent editing. They lean too hard on technology, and so anything not produced by the Big Two often comes out flailingly hilarious.

So that’s why I love to watch them; because they are so easy to make fun of. To start off, let’s take a look at one I’ve been wanting to gawk at for a while, because it just seems so misguided; Battle for Terra.

0:29 Um, wow, that’s your production intro, Roadside Attractions? It looks like something I’d see before I watched a movie at a Century cinema.

1:30 Danny Glover’s in this? Isn’t he too old for this?

1:43 David Cross too? Man, the number of bad roles this guy puts on his resume is outstanding.

3:20 This planet deserves death. Its birds are ugly and nonsensical.

3:52 Is this the production company showing off? I’ve seen more believable graphics in Everquest 10 years ago?

4:28 Oh man, alien planets love spinny things.

4:45 Dude, how lazy can you be? “Check out my HeliScooter, want to hit the buffet later?”

5:53 I totally believe this guy. It doesn’t sound like he’s phoning in every line.

6:10 Sky whale! With…an anus mouth? Why?

6:58 So…is this world like the Jetsons? They just kind of blithely ignore that there’s probably a surface full of irradiated monsters?

8:17 Wait, they call them sky whales too? How do they know what a regular whale is? They are aliens. (Oh, I get it. Autotranslate)

9:06 Creepy shadow is hashing our jam session…

9:38 That’s your first reaction? It’s a god!?

9:58 Oh man, there’s a police bug robot wandering around yelling “Move along” to everyone.

10:54 That was actually subtle, movie. I can tell that there was a death in the family without them shouting it at me.

11:38 Oh crap I just realized these aliens don’t have feet! How they get around? How did they survive before HeliScooters?

12:52 Oh. They can fucking fly. That explains why they have so many entrustments and vehicles that help them get around.

14:05 Why did she have to leave the village in order to look through a telescope?

14:31 This fanatical reaction to the invasion is extremely disconcerting.

15:16 Oh man, the humans are flying B-Wings? Won’t Lucas be mad?

16:45 Wait, the ground is, at most, 100 feet below the clouds? How does that work?

17:45 Poor guy, he had an accident with a razor, accidentally trimmed part of his eyebrow.

18:56 The lady alien touched the human’s nose as if to say, “What the fuck is this thing?”

19:37 Oh man, Imperial scout drone. Man with a fat leg, everyone.

19:51 Yeah! How do they know your language?

20:17 Ah! Science Fiction. Making linguistics troubles easy since Star Trek.

20:58 Wait, all plant life, David Cross? “Please search the entire planet for a possible cure for my fucking whim. I am a robot.”

22:30 “Everything on the ship was broken.” “But can it fly?” “Um…..no?”

23:06 I want to meet the robot in their army that does feature sarcasm. I bet he’s really useful.

24:05 Lady, you are at most 40 pounds, how do you expect to lift this guy?

25:07 Wait, the robots are smarter than the humans who programmed them? To the point where the robots pity them?

26:03 They named this planet Terra, in direct defiance of the fact Earth is also considered to be named Terra by some civilizations. Should have called it New Terra, frankly.

26:59 This jarhead pilot is an astrophysicist? Or is knowing about planet rotations a hobby of his?

28:25 The Ceremony of Life? Don’t these aliens also believe random new gods will randomly appear from the sky? Are they New Age or Mayan? Make up your mind.

29:48 “What? You know? What was the first clue that he wasn’t one of us? That he looks nothing like us, maybe?”

31:28 The Ceremony of Life apparently features a lot of fucking polka dots.

32:32 The kidnapped soldier thinks he can stop the bombing run by shouting out of a katamaran? They can’t hear you, doofus. Also, they probably wrote you off as dead.

34:20 If a wampa shows up, I am fucking leaving.

35:45 Huh! Good God, y’all!

36:32 So…there’s a second civilization on this planet that these aliens know nothing about?

36:52 Oh, no, it appears to be the same race. They apparently have a secret evil government with platoons of soldiers and death machines.

39:05 That is one ugly space station.

39:34 Hey, I recognize that noise from my iPhone. Also, what just happened? Did dozens of people just die?

40:15 Damn it, Jim! I’m an worldweary teenage girl, not a hostage.

40:38 Oh fuck why is he naked?

41:28 She immediately understands what a gun is and how to use it, despite no indication that this alien race even understand what weapons are.

42:16 This animation is awful. It looks like they are floating through the hallway.

43:13 Yeah, what a society. Where everyone wears the same hat.

44:50 I would totally watch a battle in which one side exclusively lobbed paintings at the enemy. I mean, it would be a horrible bloodbath, but it would be funny.

45:53 She took the corpses of her people being put on display and being emptied into a furnace surprisingly well.

47:51 From introduction to evil military coup within five minutes. This villain works fast.

48:11 How the hell do the rankings of this civilization work? Why do the civilian council and the military wear the exact same uniform?

49:02 Yes, seven days is a biblical amount of time. It’s also know as a week, you crazy man.

51:17 What does that robot look like he’s doing? He is using his laser eyes!

52:54 Despite the fact that your species can fly, grab on to my tail to avoid falling to the earth. Oh wait, that happened anyway.

54:38 So…who did you guys fight in the past? Large bears? Giant scorpions?

56:10 Lady, you are going to make the robot explode with that logic trap!

56:43 You volunteered to be potentially suffocated to death?!

58:18 So…the humans can’t even be fucking bothered with diplomacy? The ground on this planet is mostly abandoned. There are plants on this planet that can synthesize oxygen. Maybe attempting once to talk to the aliens. At least once.

59:30 Oh hey, I remember this scene from Pocahontas. When does the bad guy’s head appear in the waterfall?

1:01:36 Big dumb space battle. Sure was lucky the natives had warships, huh? Otherwise, this scene would be boring.

1:02:18 NOOOO! SKY WHALE!!!! How dare you!!! Wait, isn’t that just some random whale? Not a strategic unit? Why is everyone so bummed?

1:03:09 Let’s make our terraforming unit look at evil as possible. Maybe like a giant spider.

1:03:45 Wait, the commanding officer is on the completely defenseless terraforming unit? Why? Why is there ANYONE on that?

1:05:22 Yeah, I cannot think how this plan could have gone wrong. Let’s launch the terraformer while the enemy warships are still active and give them an obvious huge target that I am also personally sitting on. (This is the worst plan.)

1:06:55 Porkins no!

1:07:18 So, if the reinforcements can so readily devastate the alien forces…why weren’t they there to begin with?

1:08:06 He died as he lived. As the disposable childhood friend character.

1:08:33 Guys! Stop actively cribbing from Star Wars! Not all space battles need to be Star Wars.

1:09:10 There is a little camera that zooms into the enemy’s viewport so you can see their face? That sure seems needlessly villainous.

1:11:13 Man…good thing you didn’t live, Benedict Arnold. I know I should feel sad, but way to betray your race is the most dickish way ever. There were several non-assholes on that rig.

1:13:32 I thought you were dead as well! Did any aliens die in that battle?

1:14:39 Oh what do you know! They had the power to live peacefully on the same planet the entire time! (Of course they did.)

1:15:30 I’m going to assume there are two chicks with short hair they introduced and that woman is not the one who was exploded by the “hero’s” selfless sacrifice.

1:16:35 Seriously, the entire human race seems to take up about nine square miles. What was with General Dickballs anyway that he thought he had to destroy the indigenous anyway?

Verdict: This entire movie seems to hinge on the fact that the villain is the most xenophobic, stupidest commanding officer in the universe. The conflict was fucking pointless, and the few subtle nods we got that they knew how to tell a story went absolutely nowhere. It decided what movie it needed to be before realizing that the story didn’t make any sense. But at least it flowed pretty well, despite the nonsense making. A poor man’s Avatar (surprisingly, released before Avatar).