Avengers Academy 14.1

I’ve recently started reading superhero comics after years of following the culture, because I realized if I didn’t, it wouldn’t be around anymore, and it’s kinda fun to following along with. I don’t buy books I don’t think I’ll like, so it’ll be harder for me to be extra snarky, but there are some series that I’ve come to love, even though they are kinda stupid.

Chief among them is Avengers Academy, which features a new team of youngsters who were kidnapped to be bred as super villains, and after the wall came down, have been recruited to train with the Avengers. All of these kids have the superpower to be incredibly angsty, which is fun to watch. And as luck would have it, the .1 issue came out last week, which is a brief introduction to get you caught up on these kids and their story. Let’s walk through together, shall we?

Page 1, Panel 1: Here’s the best/worst part about the Avengers Academy; because they are so inexperienced, they always get the crappiest super villains. Like here, where they are fighting Ruby Thursday, who is the stupidest villain I’ve ever seen. She has a red ball with tentacles for a head! And the AA know this is the worst job! They hate that they have to fight her.

Page 2, Panel 2: Striker makes light of the only relationship in the group, between the giant metal man with no skin who is nigh-invincible and the tiny Asian girl who is practically a nuclear meltdown. They are only dating because he is the only person who can actually stand in the same room as her when she isn’t wearing her armor. And I find this relationship so endearing because Mettle is just a real nice guy and they are doing it because they have no idea what else to do! Teenage love!

Page 3, Panel 4: That is how much Ruby Thursday matters as a character.

Page 4, Panel 1: I had no idea who Korvac was before this team fought him, and I still don’t know. But you know, I’m perfectly fine with that.

Page 4, Panel 5: I also know nothing about Finesse as a character. Her traits is supposed to be dramatically sociopathic, but it ends up giving her no personality at all. And she’s never an integral member of the team. Even in this issue, where she figures out the “villain’s” ruse, it still doesn’t feel like she contributed. She’s almost as affective as the last superhero I knew with muscle memory powers, that one chick from Season 2 of Heroes. She got a bridge dropped on her but hard.

Page 6, Panel 1: I wonder if this guy just keeps a weird water spout thing in his office to show off his powers. Although it appears he can afford an Iron Man suit replica, so that’s cool!

Page 8, Panel 4: Nice manipulation speech, bad guy. Also, isn’t your power changing chemical structures? Couldn’t you “fix” Hazmat if you gave it a try? Not even going to offer?

Page 9, Panel 2: Yeah, that’s a question. Shouldn’t you guys need clearance now? I mean, the Avengers haven’t been supercool about this team leaving the academy too often. I’m pretty sure Striker here is still grounded. Why are they walking around without supervision?

Page 10, Panel 3: “You know how to thank me.” WINK.

Page 12, Panel 2: Veil’s mask is beyond dumb, by the way. I don’t think covering your nose makes for a secret identity, especially considering exactly one other person on the team actually wears a mask. And I don’t even think she ever takes it off.

Panel 13, Panel 2: Oh hey, Alpha Flight took care of it. Yeah, I’d be mopey too if Alpha Flight took care of a problem I had.

Panel 14, Panel 3: Yeah, Hazmat! That’s a good point! Shouldn’t you be kept trapped alone in a containment chamber being ceaselessly used by an uncaring public for your grotesque abilities…okay yeah, that’s why it hasn’t happened yet.

Page 14, Panel 4: They’re called slaves, Briggs. Unpaid interns on the Titanic would be slaves.

Page 15, Panel 3: I thought her superpower was muscle memory, not super hacking and pulling secret information out of her ass.

Page 16, Panel 2: Yes, no proof except for all that information she just spouted for an entire page.

Page 16, Panel 6: Again, Hazmat and Mettle are only dating because they are damaged goods. Curing them will only drive them apart. But go ahead and assume they are willing to completely change their lives based on their two week old relationship. (Ah, hell, it worked in Twilight…)

Page 17, Panel 1: Mettle fucking loves punching things!

Page 17, Panel 5: Explain to me how the throwing baton bounced off this dude’s face. Even if he turned to rubber beforehand, it would still hurt like hell.

Page 18, Panel 3: Great plan, dude. That will surely endear them to you. Saying you can kill them anytime doesn‘t make you sound like a bad guy at all. Class act.

Page 19, Panel 1: SWAT Team! You guys have fun walking past that 90-pound pile of unshielded nuclear waste disguised as a teenage girl outside? Enjoy the cancer, dudes!

Page 20, Panel 3: This guy is such a douche. It was nice of young Scott Bakula to come out to guest star for this role though.

Page 21: HEY DICKS! Spoilers!

Verdict: Meh, it was a lukewarm book. The team pretty much had no input, just being juked around by this asshole who’s pulling their strings for no good reason. Plus no senseless drama. They don’t react to what he is dishing out at all. I came for drama! If I wanted mature, thoughtful superheroes, I’d read…um…something else, surely.