Klondike Bar: 5 Seconds to Glory

I don't have to say it, right? I don't have to say how remarkably sexist this is, and how it implies that listening to your wife, the woman you have agreed to love and cherish forever, is a goddamn chore that is hardly worth doing unless there is a goddamn reward. How the advertising agencies of America seem to believe that every man is incompetent, lazy, and insensitive, and it's funny, FUNNY, to continue to perpetuate this terrible stereotype. How absolutely stupid this entire campaign is, and how it really should have ended ten years ago, because by god, every skit show has already taken the "What would you do?" campaign to task for being remarkably stupid, as the only rational answer is "Pay $1.99 to the clerk at 7-11."

But okay.

Klondike Bar: We'll require you to do things that have never occured to you, you sociopathic asshole.

Human Target #6

I realized that I would not make it to the comic shop before I had to post my next review, but I also thought that I had read everything in my house besides my Elongated Man Showcase, and I don’t want to trash on Ralph Dibny. But then I started flipping through my stack, and found that there were in fact a few comics I hadn’t read, specifically stuff that I received for free at a special event at the shop because they couldn’t get rid of it any other way. And since I’ve looked at exclusively Marvel books so far, I grabbed a DC one, Human Target #6, Sept. 2010. Now a hit TV series on Fox oh wait it’s already been cancelled.

I know nothing about this character, except that he has apparently been around since the 70’s, he has had TWO TV series based on him that were cancelled pretty quickly, and I got it for free from a comic shop. I think I have all the evidence I need.

Bad Teacher - Trailers

Bad Teacher: I hope you didn't like Cameron Diaz, because we are determined to make her the worst person on Earth.

I'm really mad Jason Segel is in this, because I like Jason Segel. His method is really subtle, as if he's not actually telling jokes, which is nice. And he really shines in the scene featured below.

You'll notice that they feature that scene with the dodgeballs in this one too. That's because that's apparently the only funny scene in the entire damn movie.

Also, it appears that the movie is going to borrow pretty much every plot point from Sixteen Candles, so that'll be fun to watch.

Also, how the hell do they cast Cameron Diaz as a teacher in a movie that doesn't tell the true story of Mary Kay Letourneau? Just saying.

FlashForward - Episode 4: "Black Swan"

I would make a joke about Natalie Portman going insane, but that’s not really a joke, just acknowledging something else is also named “Black Swan,“ so I’m going to skip it. Plus I still need to see that movie first.

LAST TIME: We’re introduced to half a dozen new characters, including Dmitri’s girlfriend, some drunk’s wife, token black operative, A NAZI, and a creepy death tower in the middle of Africa. Okay, that last one wasn’t a character, but I imagine we’ll see it again. Anyway, it took letting a war criminal out of jail to realize that sudden bird death might be an indication that this weird blackout thing has happened before. Latching on to this clue, the FBI team will surely do something interesting.

Tugger: The Jeep 4x4 Who Wanted To Fly

NetFlix Synopsis: This uplifting animated film tells the story of Tugger (voice of James Belushi), a plucky Jeep who was damaged during World War II. Ever since mechanics replaced his engine fan with an airplane propeller, Tugger's been wishing he could fly. His new job towing planes around an airfield might just give him a chance to fulfill his dream. Carrot Top voices Tugger's best buddy, a short-wave radio named Shorty.

A few things right off the bat. First off, I keep assuming Jim Belushi, who apparently is the same guy as James Belushi, had died, because I keep confusing him for his brother, because I’m bad at being sensitive. Glad to see he’s alive, even though all he’s done in the past 10 years is According to Jim and these abhorrent voice acting jobs. Anyway, after that mild confusion, I realize how dumb the plot sounds with its implication that jeeps don’t have free will, and the fact that Carrot Top is apparently also in this. So yeah.

I also cannot get over that completely unnecessary 4x4 in the title. Would we have assumed that this movie was about a motorcycle if it wasn’t there? Or a hatchback? Because Jeep pretty much refers to only one thing. Definition really hasn’t changed enough in the past 60 years to require specification.

Sekirei - Episode 3: "The Green Girl"

LAST TIME: The main characters move into a boarding house that they fell into, there’s some Earth spirit girl who I guess is important, and nobody knows where they can get a bra in this town. Maybe at the mall or something? The point is, everyone is naked all the time. It’s a bit unsettling.

LG Revolution: Green Lantern

LG Revolution: We totally kinda know what Green Lantern is about. Kinda. Please buy our thing.

My favorite thing is that they think the proper representation of the second Green Lantern of Sector 2814 is a beardo in a sweater vest. I also find Darkseid to be the most powerful force in the DC universe. Dude is scary, and he can terrify while lounging around your living room. Check this:

Bro is tight.

Avenger's Academy #15

Ah, the obligatory event tie-in, in which the currently established status quo gets rocked for one reason and one reason only, it is summer. I’ve been following Fear Itself pretty closely, and from what I can tell, there is some Asgardian supervillain who has just  been unearthed, and he’s giving superhammers to the strongest guys on Earth in order to force them to smash things. It’s been pretty okay so far, although the majority of the tie-ins have gotten away with themselves, showing events that have not yet happened in the main books, like the immense fear that is gripping New York City, for example.

This book is neither tie-in nor event, however, being a mainline book that got roped in to the event because they needed something to do, and the buzz is someone is going to leave the team, and I’m going to imagine that it’s probably Mettle, based on the cover that they‘ve already shown us for issue 17, which is too bad, because I like Mettle. He’s a big old metal man with a heart of gold, and he deserves happiness. But whatever, we aren’t there yet. Let’s find out what’s happening now, as the Avengers Academy get their first “for serious this time” field action.

Cheerios - "That's for Babies"

Cheerios: Maybe you wouldn't have a problem getting your ridiculously hip four-year-old to act how you'd like if weren't so self aware.

Why did the mom make her child into a little homoculus of herself, same hair, same face, same fashion sense? It's a bit creepy, and I can't help but think the kid's attitude problem is something than kids being kids. Half the time the little girl isn't responding to any actual stimulus, just shouting this little catchphrase for the hell of it, as if she noticed that behavior in her parents and is emulating it. I can just as easily seeing her saying, "That's for corporate pigs."

FlashForward - Episode 3: "137 Sekunden"

This episode names are just going to keep getting stupider before they get better, aren’t they?

LAST TIME: Everyone is trying to get to the bottom of what that weird blackout thing was, including the FBI team, who, through a series of stupid coincidences and leaps of logic, end up in Utah, where they run into one of the masterminds behind the plot, who proceeds to create a huge explosion. Meanwhile, the female main character worries about lady things, like preserving the integrity of her marriage, because why would men care about stuff like that? Also, Harold finds out, through another set of stupid coincidences, that he will be murdered in five months. Sure was convenient how everything went down so far, huh?

The Dolphin: Story of a Dreamer

NetFlix Synopsis: Daniel (voiced by Robbie Daymond) is a teenage dolphin with a mind of his own and a hankering to explore the world beyond the safety of his family's favorite lagoon in this animated film populated by quirky underwater creatures. Along with his friends Carl, a spunky squid, and Leena, a surfing dolphin, Daniel goes on a quest to discover his unique place in the world ... and enjoy the perfect wave!

I was unaware that there were dolphins that exclusively surfed, or that surfing was something dolphins could do at all. I also didn’t know that Firestorm did voice acting work. I should also note that Netflix is sure I’m going to absolutely hate this movie. Just once I’d like them to be wrong in the opposite direction.

Sekirei - Episode 2: "The Door to the New Residence"

LAST TIME: This jerk-off can’t get into school, can’t get a job, and to make matters worse, is inexplicably thrust into a world of adventure and excitement when a woman falls boobs-first onto his face. She suddenly falls in love with him because she was programmed to, and he gets kicked out onto the street by Mr. Roper. Then he and his magic girlfriend flew into the air, for some reason, I don’t know.

Bud Light - Port Paradise

Bud Light: Our product will cause you to do things that you will be ashamed of and won't want to tell another soul about. We consider this a positive.

Also, the Port Authority doesn't give a fuck what you did on vacation, just as long as you didn't try to buy 20 pounds of cigars without giving Uncle Sam his cut. So yes, you do in fact have nothing to declare, since it seems you morons forgot to bring luggage on your little trip.

I do like that they run out of universal symbols of trouble's-a-brewing in the first four sets, so the rest of the line is just filled with insane imagery, as well a few crude surfaces to slap the logo on. My favorite is probably the guy wearing Bud Light cardboardmail. He was apparently bored and sober enough to spend the whole trip fashioning a crude set of armor for himself, and wanted to show it off to all those jerks who actually had fun on the trip.

15 Love #1

For most comic readers, there are only two publishers, who publish only superhero comics and are eternally at war with each other (a war that Marvel has been winning for many years now). Sure, there are dozens of indie companies that produce smart books like Witchblade or whatever, but for most, comics are all dudes in tights punching each other.

Of course, even the big two dabble in non-cape fare. DC has the critically-acclaimed Vertigo imprint, of which pretty much everything is good, and Marvel…well, Marvel pretty much does superheroes. They have the MAX imprint, but nobody reads that because it’s mostly smut, and the Icon label, which is mainly them trying to keep their best writers in house, but there’s not much dabbling in stuff that doesn’t target the 18-34 male demographic.

Which is why my mind boggled when I saw this comic on the shelves at my local shop, right next to the Hulk books. I have no idea what this is or what it is doing in Marvel‘s wheelhouse. It appears to be a girl’s comic about an average girl who’s into tennis, with manga inspired artwork and a ton of pages, being the most expensive non-one shot on the shelf that week. The writer is nobody special, a freelancer who did some work on Buffy, and the artist appears to be Marvel’s go-to manga guy. A bit of research turned up that this was actually finished eight years ago, under old leadership when they were trying new things, among them the reviled Marville and Trouble. When those books proved to be hated, this got backburnered, and hasn’t resurfaced until now. I’m surprised to see it at all.

I suddenly think this might be a bad idea. Alright, time to read it.

The Nine Lives of Chloe King - Trailer

I need to share this, because this looks so awesomely stupid. Let me hit you with some plot points that I completely expect from this show.

1. She will find herself just constantly craving milk and refusing to take showers.

2. Her grandmother will have about a dozen cats, and she won't understand why.

3. The boy she wants to make kissing faces with in the trailer is actually a werewolf.

Looks like it's airing tonight. Crossing my fingers, if I get at least two, the house pays me back double.

FlashForward - Episode 2: “White to Play”

What, really? That’s the name of your episode? I don’t even know what that’s a reference to. Chess, Go, Mancala? Eh, I’m sure they’ll say the line in some hamhanded way sometime in the episode.

LAST TIME: Everyone in the entire world passed out for 137 seconds, and then by the end of the day, the world’s infrastructure was back to normal and the government were already actively investigating the incident. Our hero family includes FBI guy, who runs the ‘predict the future’ team, Doctor Mom, who is afraid she’ll have an affair and has a suicidal friend, a teenage daughter whose importance isn’t established yet, and a little girl who is only there for emotional purposes. There are also a couple of drunks hanging about, I’m not exactly sure what they’re up to.

Battle for Terra

There is something I love about CGI films, which is that they so easily go wrong. It takes years upon years to make everything look exactly right when it is computer-generated, based mainly on the exceedingly high standards created by Pixar, and this attention to detail often supersedes actually hiring talent, decent writing, or even competent editing. They lean too hard on technology, and so anything not produced by the Big Two often comes out flailingly hilarious.

So that’s why I love to watch them; because they are so easy to make fun of. To start off, let’s take a look at one I’ve been wanting to gawk at for a while, because it just seems so misguided; Battle for Terra.

Sekirei - Episode 1: "Sekirei"

While considering what could possibly be dramatically different than the sci-fi drama fare I’m used to recapping, but also something that could be marginally fun to watch, I thought of a couple of ideas. Sitcoms (Every recap: “Hoho, that guy is fat and this show is awful”), Glee (which I decided against because I don’t want to bring lovers of the show down on my head), I even considered watching Jeff Dunham’s sketch show (because I am a masochist). But I did figure out a genre that I actually like in small doses with a lot of bad out there; anime.

I like when anime gets weird and heady, but there’s a lot of it out there that is just bland, goofy, and downright pervy. After looking about, I found one about a dorky kid who can’t get no respect until he discovers he has the power to control women in battle. You know, just like every bad anime! Let’s start watching Sekirei.

Yoplait Light - Cheesecake

The obvious complaint here is the one you've probably heard before, that she looks absolutely beautiful and her obsession with her body image is likely extremely harmful to her psychologically if she can't even enjoy one slice of cake without having a nervous breakdown. But I also want to point out that this appears to be an office breakroom, and office etiquette clearly states that you just can't rummage around in the fridge and take whatever you want. It's only available for consumption if it's in the open. This is probably the cake for Carol's going-away party, and you were just going to take a slice? Lady, you have worse problems than I thought if even the sight of a cake, available or not, will send you into a downward spiral of doubt and self-loathing. Cute glasses, though.

Avengers Academy 14.1

I’ve recently started reading superhero comics after years of following the culture, because I realized if I didn’t, it wouldn’t be around anymore, and it’s kinda fun to following along with. I don’t buy books I don’t think I’ll like, so it’ll be harder for me to be extra snarky, but there are some series that I’ve come to love, even though they are kinda stupid.

Chief among them is Avengers Academy, which features a new team of youngsters who were kidnapped to be bred as super villains, and after the wall came down, have been recruited to train with the Avengers. All of these kids have the superpower to be incredibly angsty, which is fun to watch. And as luck would have it, the .1 issue came out last week, which is a brief introduction to get you caught up on these kids and their story. Let’s walk through together, shall we?

Dial for Men - Camp Dirt

Now, I don't have a huge problem with this commercial. It's for some goofy man fun, and apparently men can't do normal things like read a book or pet a dog and need to be super extreme all the time, but at least it isn't Man Show level pandering. I do, however, have an issue with the term "Paintball 'Pocalypse." It's always a stupid name for a thing when you have abbrev it in a way people don't abbrev things. Paintball Paradise is perfectly fine. Paintball Palozza would even be okay. Or just, you know, paintball. Don't name it. It's fine already.

I do not, however, like this at all.

FlashForward - Episode 1: "No More Good Days"

Here we go again. Couple of things before I get started. I know very little about FlashForward besides the tiny spoilers and general synopsis. As far as I know, this was an okay but just not good enough show trying to emulate the model that got the axe, just like Jericho before it, and Point Pleasant before that. Spooky, weird shows can only gain so much audience, and only rarely will you get a Lost or an X-Files. So I don’t actually know if it was good or not. Coming into it blind. Kinda the point.

But I do think that the singular impetus for the series is kinda stupid. Everyone blacks out for two minutes and sees into the future? I guess a lot of interesting things can happen in response, but I can’t imagine an entire series centering around a single event that will slowly be forgotten. I mean, how big of deal can it possibly be? I guess we’ll have to find out.

An Introduction

Frankly, I needed something else to do, so here I am.

This idea started when I forced myself to watch what I found to be a pretty subpar TV show. I had gotten really into the Lost phenomenon during its last season, and after that found its ending (which I will not comment about), I saw the desperation that the networks felt to replicate it. They were hunting for a great event show, with lots of mysteries, and somehow they stumbled upon The Event, billed as an anti-Lost, with promises to answer questions and not be needlessly cryptic. What this amounted to was pointless mysteries and sideplots that were constantly getting dropped. I watched all 22 episodes, making snide comments while watching on Twitter. It become something I really liked doing, and I actually received a few positive comments, which I wasn't expected because I thought I was being super-annoying. It was so much fun that I also occasionally would watch CGI movies (which are always awful) and snark on those as well.

Now the Event is dead and gone, after a completely awful ending that explained nothing and completely invalidated ten episodes worth of conflict, and I'm at a loss of what to do. I want to do more, but I also don't want to make my personal twitter account a huge tangle of nonsense that nobody wants to read. So I'm officially detaching my snarky livetweeting from my account and doing it here, consistently. I'll be expanding that which I force myself to watch to two TV series; one very similar to The Event, with all its stupid, melodramatic twists, and another in the opposite direction, a goofy but still terrible series that I haven't decided on yet. I'll also be restarting my CGI movies series on the weekends, and will add some regular snark about comic books, because I like comic books and rarely get to talk about them. Plus, some tiny ideas that I've fostered on my twitter account are going to added as interludes, as well some actual non-dickish reviews.

The whole thing kicks off tonight where I sit down and start watching the 2009 series that tried so so hard to beat Lost (and got screwed due to audience syphon), FlashForward. After that late night hiccup, it should adjust to early morning updates. Thank you for reading, and hey, tell your friends or whatever.