Tangled

Man, I have been slacking on CGI Showdown. I just get through the week and think to myself, “Well, that’s done!” without realizing that I planned to sit through an entire movie. I barely ever watch movies! And I’ve decided to watch ones that I know are going to be bad? Not a good motivator. So, hey, how about something that’s supposed to be good? Maybe that’ll help. That company that used to be highly respected came out with a computer animated movie recently. Let's watch that.

Netflix Synopsis: Disney animators take on the classic Grimm Brothers story of Rapunzel (Mandy Moore), a long-locked beauty imprisoned in a secluded tower by evil hag Mother Gothel (Donna Murphy), who needs the rejuvenating powers of Rapunzel's tresses to remain young. When a bandit on the lam (Zachary Levi) helps Rapunzel escape, the old crone plots to recapture her and end her budding romance with the thief in this Golden Globe nominee for Best Animated Feature.

I wasn’t aware that Mandy Moore stared in the classic Grimm Brothers story. Also, I know it’s all goofy fun, but that horse should not have that sword. It is impractical, he can't swing his head nearly fast enough to do any damage, and frankly he’s just likely to hurt himself.

0:21 I was always curious where that boat in the Disney opening left port. I mean, it’s got a huge sail, but a train crosses the river on a low bridge right behind it…

1:11 Hurray! The male lead is going to die! Oh wait that’s bad.

1:30 A drop of sunlight? The hell does that work?

2:02 This guy is way too much like Jeff Goldblum for me to enjoy this hip opening narrative.

2:30 All she had to do was clumsily transition into a song.

3:32 That’s not a hint. That’s you flatout telling us something.

4:10 This lady grows really old really fast. Maybe she could consider dying?

5:08 This is really a great explanation as to why Rapunzel exists. I like it.

6:09 Well, this chameleon hasn’t talked yet, so, stay hopeful.

6:27 Oh jeez we’re singing again. I really shouldn’t let these things surprise me.

6:38 She has three books total? How is she not bored yet?

7:45 This song is dedicated to all those unemployed out there.

8:45 Hmm…I’m not sure I’m liking the art design change for Assassin’s Creed 3.

9:18 Guys! Guys! Behind you. Maybe look behind you. Ten guys and they only look one way?

10:04 Ha! It’s funny because this horrible woman keeps herself young through some dark magic.

11:09 Everyone who tells terrible jokes is an evil witch! (That’s the moral, right?)

12:01 I’m turning legal tomorrow! I mean…nothing! I don’t want to sleep with a computer image!

12:45 She was so bored that she learned astronomy?

13:27 Can this lady talk in anything but double meanings?

14:41 I liked this song better when they did it in Oliver and Company.

16:01 Why does he get his own wanted poster? Why do the Sir Kays have to share one?

16:24 Wait, these two twins are named the Stabbington Brothers? Really?

17:24 Hey! That’s the horse from the box cover! I wonder if he’s important!

17:55 Wait, the male lead has to play buddy cop with a horse? That’s almost hilarious.

18:52 Horses are not dogs! Stop making them act like dogs.

20:37 Oh brave new world, am I right, Punzy?

21:16 He’s…still alive, right?

22:10 How does the chameleon know what a crown is but Rapunzel doesn’t?

23:37 Yes, yes you are. Because you imprisoned a person for over 17 years because you want to live forever.

25:45 Ah! Gross! Lizard tongue in ear!

26:06 I’m not afraid of you, that’s why I’m hiding in the shadows!

27:15 Why would it be in the pot?

28:40 Hang on, I thought it has been a day already? Didn’t Evil Mom come and leave already?

29:45 I never break a promise because I’ve never had to make a promise to anyone but my manipulative mother.

30:08 This guy also has a bit of Nathan Fillion to him too. Maybe now all the Firefly nerds will stop demanding he be in things.

30:44 HEY! Are you going to leave the tower or just sing to yourself for a while?

31:23 Maybe…shoes. Shoes should be at the top of your Leave the Tower plan.

33:13 They actually said the words “Road Trip” in their fantasy road trip comedy.

35:24 Why would the horse disguise itself as a horse? I mean, what for?

35:54 The mom managed to get exactly 200 yards away at this point? It’s been at least three hours.

36:30 If this woman wasn’t a compete monster, I’d almost find this scene gripping and emotional.

37:17 Is…she just going to drag her hair through the entire forest the entire time? Isn’t it going to get filthy?

38:21 ….Raymond.

38:35 It is cameo central in this tavern. Paul F. Tompkins, Jeffrey Tamblor, Brad Garrett, everybody.

40:25 Why would they build their tavern at 30% angle like that?

42:38 That was fun/positively insane.

43:10 Go now, we completely want to help you for no reason.

44:34 The fact that I know this character is Paul F. Tompkins makes every single one of his lines hilarious.

46:03 That is a horse! Who else would it be?

46:32 The horse is actually fighting with a sword! I had doubts! They are gone now!

48:10 He reached back for the frying pan? That’s his Indie hat?

48:50 The audience can’t see anything either! This is a really dark scene!

49:12 To be fair, how could you have possibly guessed that leaving home would get you trapped in a cave that is slowly filling from a deluge of water caused by a broken dam?

49:35 Your real name is ridiculous Jewish?

49:55 “I have magic hair that glows when I sing!” This…this is the moment that he regrets every decision he’s ever made.

51:24 That’s right, stay hidden, you’ll get the x4 backstab bonus.

52:26 I’m saying all my lines in a singsong voice so you really shouldn’t trust me!

53:24 That chameleon sure is looking super smug for something that he’s not at all responsible for.

54:07 Oh also, he’s going to die and then she’s going to use up all her magic hair power to bring him back to life, you all saw this coming.

54:45 Ew, a chameleon’s scaly body just cuddling up on you.

55:57 I bet Mandy Moore fake laughs like that on all her dates. It was really convincing.

56:52 Evil Mom is really given off a GLaDOS vibe.

57:51 A second villain song? How many do you need?

58:55 He’s talking about how awesome his “private sessions” are going to be later.

1:00:32 Horses: Still not dogs for over 400 years.

1:02:56 Oh about damn time. She can finally walk around without being in great danger of dying from hair-related injuries. Still no shoes though.

1:04:12 What? When did they find time to hang out in a library and look at maps?

1:04:35 Haha! Horse can’t ride boats!

1:05:45 What, exactly, are you expecting from these lanterns? Do you think they are going to turn into your Dad’s head and he’ll say he loves you?

1:07:26 And…the end of Act 2 romance song. Everyone take a nice nap for a good three minutes.

1:08:42 Hey, how’s it going, I hid these lanterns in my pants until now. Know what else is hiding there?

1:11:28 He’s not going to be right back!

1:12:55 Maybe, MAYBE, not call your male lead Eugene.

1:13:15 Now? Now her hair gets caught in something? When it’s in a completely manageable three-foot braid?

1:14:59 Wait, the horse suddenly cares about the girl now? Why, because she talked sweet to him for two minutes?

1:17:04 What? She was subconsciously putting suns in all her paintings? And she just now realized that she’s the princess? That is the lamest reveal.

1:17:43 That was a neat trick! Do that a dozen times!

1:18:58 Maybe avoid the Deliverance scene foreshadowing slowmo.

1:20:03 Okay, why are the thugs from the bar saving the male lead? They hate the male lead!

1:21:05 How did the horse convince a dozen wanted criminals to save this guy?!

1:22:09 BOOM! Moneyshot line.

1:22:28 AND NUMBER TWO! It’s almost like they actually cared about the source material!

1:24:46 DANG! What a twist!

1:27:47 Who cares why that happened? I don’t care!

1:28:42 You didn’t even let our long-lost daughter into the palace? You are fired, sir!

1:30:02 It’s because he was drunk!

1:31:52 Lasseter? Really? But…this isn’t Pixar.

1:32:15 Oh, and I hate this song. What else is new?

1:32:26 When did they met a fortune-telling monkey?

Verdict: That was actually pretty good! Sure, there are a few plot points that don’t make any sense and some of the characters added absolutely nothing, but it was well-tuned, and the voice acting was pretty good. I keep forgetting I have no reason to hate Mandy Moore, despite the fact that she married someone from a band called Whiskeytown (Whiskeytown?). But yeah! Disney has done worse, and as the 50th film they’ve made, it holds up pretty well. Go watch it, dummies!