DANG! That is the hardest cover that I’ve ever seen that doesn’t actually convey anything. Superman is in shadows AND on fire, Batman has taken some contextual costume damage, and Wonder Woman is there to provide the boobage, while Darkseid does the Big Head in the Background thing. This has all the tropes, you guys. I don’t even care what the content is.
LAST TIME: There were a lot of Doomsdays, and Supergirl was kidnapped by Darkseid because…I’m sure there’s a reason. Harbinger got killed because she hasn’t been important for like 15 years, but good luck figuring that out, because all women look the same except for their hair color. Also, Batman is still in this apparently. I don’t know why.
Page 1, Panel 1: Yes, the first step to going to Apokolips is to visit someone in the suburbs.
Page 1, Panel 4: This woman actually has a neighbor named Mrs. Kravitz. I feel sorry for everyone with the last name Kravitz after 1971, you know?
Page 2, Panel 1: Wait, this is Big Barda? But, she’s not big, or very Barda. What the hell?
Page 3, Panel 1: Batman does not understand the appeal of a normal life. Batman.
Page 3, Panel 2: And Wonder Woman is suddenly 10 inches shorter than Superman. Why does she keep randomly changing heights. She’s usually six foot even.
Page 4, Panel 3: UGG! I recognize this bullshit. This is Countdown bullshit. Why does Superman even care about Donna Troy? Or Jason Todd? Stop being such a pussy wiener, Superman.
Page 5: And now, for like the twentieth damn time, an Apocalypse Now pun.
Page 6: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, SUPERMAN!?
Page 7, Panel 3: And Batman is doing his best Scar impression, for some reason.
Page 7, Panel 4: And what are wearing??
Page 8, Panel 2: Wonder Woman and Big Barda are fulfilling the Bechdel Test, because Loeb is trying to prove that he is not horrible.
Page 9, Page 5: I'm amazed that there are literally only four members of the Female Furies ever, and they never seem to die, despite constantly being in combat.
Page 11, Panel 1: I don’t belong in this embodiment of Hell. I belong in a different embodiment of hell.
Page 11, Panel 2: Batman would like to remind you that he’s Batman. His parents died from a criminal attack, he is the terror of the night, etc.
Page 12, Panel 4: Batman is going to invoke a character who hasn’t been in a serious role for at least 20 years, because why the hell not?
Page 14, Panel 3: Seriously, Batman has fucking lost it. None of these characters' monologue boxes make any goddamn sense.
Page 15, Panel 6: You are legitimately blaming Big Barda for Kara’s kidnapping, Superman? She had nothing to do with this!
Page 18: Um, nice outfit, Kara. May I suggest some pants?
Page 20: And…Kara is going to beat up Superman for…why? Why?
Verdict: This was a pretty pointless issue! For some reason the team split up and have to fight their own bosses, and Kara betrays Superman for no reason and I have no idea what the hell is going on. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to be completely lost for another entire issue, because we have two more issues to kill. Now, why Supergirl decides to be a villain is not explained at all, but surely, SURELY, they are going to get to it. Maybe it’s Darkseid’s health plan.
*Superman/Batman and all associated characters are property of DC Comics.
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