That is…pretty dark. That’s really dark, Strawberry Shortcake. Droughts? Budget crises? Jeez Louise. Although from the reviews, people who have no idea what the world is like fucking love this movie, so let’s check out what stupid babies are really enjoying, shall we?
0:02 Starz Play? Starz is throwing down behind this?
0:18 Oh right, American Greetings still owns Strawberry Shortcake. And is willing to defend their property to the death.
1:03 Berrykins? So…there are creatures that look more like strawberries than Strawberry Shortcake?
2:03 Yeah…that’s not really helping, Strawberry. Maybe do something instead of dancing?
2:47 I would be super freaked out if I was tasked with harvesting fruit that looked exactly like my head.
3:48 Who are these jerks and why do they look exactly the same but with different hair colors?
4:43 They are arguing about the color of the life preservers.
5:22 You know, as quickly as these little berry dudes implement ideas, maybe you should suggest world peace or a cure for hunger.
6:02 His name is LongFace Caterpillar? His first name is LongFace?
6:36 Or perhaps you can’t be a complete idiot and try to open an active blender.
7:53 Why is Strawberry so concerned? Everyone appeared to have a great time.
9:34 Piece of shortcake! Am I right? Am I right, character who exists only as an eternal pun?
10:15 Can I still think of it as a storm? A “spring fling of the upper atmosphere” sounds incredibly stupid.
12:52 Is Purple-Haired chick in charge of the river?
13:32 Why do you need a telescope to look at a rock that is literally 20 feet away?
14:44 Oh no! They are following horror movie conventions here by putting the black person in immediate danger.
15:57 Don’t worry. Someone else will solve this problem!
16:24 Is…Blue-Haired Chick in love with the Berrykins? What was with that expression?
18:08 Hang on, does their electrical system run on juice? Like literal juice?
19:20 I wish the real world could depend on fucking magic to save all their problems!
21:29 Why did she have to disown the cat before she went to look for the McGuffin?
22:35 Yep, it sure is some time of day!
23:52 How can you not see the sun? You are in a clearing.
24:40 Really? It’s that way? Toward the dang sun, so it couldn’t possibly be south? Great deduction, Watson.
26:07 Or maybe you can steal his stupid book to find out the rest of his story, because screw his stupid story time?
26:39 What do you do? You…wait ‘til he gets to the bottom of the hill, then wave to him. It’s not that steep.
28:18 Oh shit there’s actually nothing written in the book, as they just clumsily foreshadowed. So there’s no magic whatever, and it’ll all be a message about telling the truth.
28:45 There is something super shocking down there!
29:05 Oh god a killer horde of bunnies!
29:45 And the danger is immediately forgotten when they realize these flowers act like trampolines for some reason.
30:13 I admire his ability to recatch his hat and cane every single time he jumps.
30:45 Yeah okay, I’m curious what you think is going to happen.
31:49 So…are these little people? Are they ridiculously tiny, because it really seems like there’s a lot of huge nature things around them. I thought this was supposed to in another dimension or something.
33:07 No, that was falling. That wasn’t dancing. Stop being so stupid cheerful.
34:38 He is literally just making it up as he goes! Stop trusting this goddamn caterpillar.
35:27 Yes, it is time to completely give up, because there is a canyon. I always give up when I see a canyon.
36:20 You do? Is that a character trait that we’re supposed to know about you?
37:15 That’s right! Girls can do anything! Like vote!
37:48 If you’re having difficulty throwing a noose around something, stare at it really hard.
38:52 That was a sparrow! Why did it make the canned hawk cry?
39:05 This canyon shot brought to you courtesy of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.
40:10 Yep, super glorious. Just look at all those brown rocks.
41:33 Yes, we just missed the sun. Too bad we can’t wait for the morning.
41:55 AND…she drops the stupid rock into the canyon.
42:29 Where did they get marshmallows? They walked into the forest without any supplies. Actually yeah, they walked into the forest without ANY supplies?
44:02 I hope they punch the hell out of this stupid caterpillar. He is being a class A jerk about protecting his stupid lie.
44:58 Why is he so worried about keeping his dumb book if there’s nothing written in it?
46:03 Let’s get the worthless rock before our most trusted friend and advisor. Because screw him.
46:57 Your plan that you were so afraid to tell everyone is the most reasonable plan there is; lower someone down by rope?
47:42 FALL! FALL TO YOUR DEATH! (Also, was there just a random earthquake to ramp up the tension?)
49:16 Oh no, everyone is safe, but the rock was lost in the process. I couldn’t see that happening at all.
50:28 It’s a cookbook! The stupid book that been depending on is a cookbook!
50:48 Oh…he doesn’t have a family! How sad. That totally makes up for all his dangerous and insane lies.
52:05 I just wanted to give you hope. That’s why I sent us on this adventure in which we were all in mortal peril!
53:43 What kind of weird relationship do these girls have with the berrykins? Are they slaves? Vassals? They seem pretty autonomous.
54:40 You guys remember that part right? Where she was clever? I totally remember that.
55:35 Oh man! She actually has a Strawberry Shortcake kitchen set in her home. My sister had one of those.
56:36 How did the piece of paper from earlier end up all the way up here?
57:46 If you are completely abandoning your homes anyway, why not try out the plan? If your buildings get crushed, at least you have running water again.
59:31 How many minutes are we going to waste trying to pep talk the main character? We know she’s going to do it eventually.
1:00:24 Where the hell did that log come from? It just materialized out of the ground.
1:00:59 Hey! Caterpillar! Fuck you!
1:02:01 Ah! Please don’t zoom into the mouth.
1:03:03 Oh no, it looks like a problem that will require a caterpillar’s help!
1:05:19 Or…you may have devoted all that time to trying to move the rock instead of going on a daylong wild goose chase. I mean, for serious, you could have handled this yesterday.
1:06:16 Oh they gave him a blank book. Makes sense.
1:07:04 Why would he need to look after the shop? Literally all your customers are outside playing in the fountain.
1:07:44 And guitar solo!
1:08:12 Those are some fake looking giant butterflies.
Verdict: Why the hell did I watch that? I mean, I’ve seen that stupid story literally a dozen times before, because it was the most basic boring story ever, although I am pissed at the extreme length in which the caterpillar fucked everything up. A good half of this movie didn’t need to happen, and I still confused how the economy of their dumb little village works. What’s that stuff about a Berry Café? Because they sure didn’t talk about that at all. Maybe they do all their business over the Internet, I don’t know.
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