New Avengers #2

Hey! What are you jerks doing down there? Just posing? Maybe come up here and fight bad guys or something. I don’t know, it’s an idea.

LAST TIME: There was an explosion at the Raft, and Daredevil, Spider-Woman, Luke Cage, and Foggy are trapped inside, while outside Captain America is preparing an offensive against the escaped convicts, and Spider-Man shows up to get out of watching a romantic comedy. Yep, that’s his only motivation to be involved. Oh also the Sentry is there. Good for him.

FlashForward - Episode 13: "Blowback"

Really? More violence? Don’t you think the body count of that last foray was a little much? Now we gotta talk about innocent people being hurt by our government being dicks? (Note: I learned something today!) Well already, fine, there are still 5.8 billion people left, let’s see how many more we can kill.

LAST TIME: Charlie and Magician Man are saved in a fit of insanity, Babysitter falls deeper in love with Nurse Guy, and then we spend a good half the episode watching Charlie try to escape FBI Lesbian and get to hear about all the people who have been directly or indirectly killed by him. Answer: It’s a lot of guys! But it turns out he’s wrapped in the shadow organization that is doing all of this, and he doesn’t like it.

Gulliver's Travel

Netflix Synopsis: Jonathan Swift's classic novel springs to life in this wondrous mix of traditional and computer animation. Shipwrecked doctor Lemuel Gulliver washes up on Lilliput, a strange island populated by miniature citizens. Gulliver needs a ship to get home, but a Lilliputian magician and minister have just persuaded the emperor to go to war with the kingdom of Blefuscu, and Lilliput will need their giant visitor's help in this delightful adventure.

Just the one. Those others would have been super uninteresting. Remember the horse island? Man, screw that place. I like how the synopsis implies that he can’t go home if Lilliput goes to war, as if he is in any danger whatsoever. I also love that this movie is proud that it was in the running for the Oscars, despite the fact that every animated film released in theaters that year gets nominated. Also, a mix of traditional and computer animation? How will that not look surprising crappy?

Sekirei - Episode 12: "Sekirei of Fate"

Yeah sure whatever, I’m not going to argue with you title, I’m excited because the show is almost over! Last episode baby! Let’s get going!

LAST TIME: For some reason, our team is helping some jerks break out of town, and they were doing pretty well until they stopped running and some asshole sekirei showed up and killed the booby sekirei (no, the other booby sekirei). Now we’re going to spend an episode crying, I guess.

The New Avengers #1: "Breakout"

Okay, time to pick on the other guy. Marvel is constantly rocking its ranks with events, an obnoxious tradition that they continue to this day with Fear Itself (which will continue for the next twenty years, it feels like). All of these things were started with a single huge event, Avengers Disassembled. That set up the impetus for everything that happened all the way up to now, from the Civil War through the Secret Invasion through Siege and so on. One of the biggest things from that event though was the breaking up the Avengers, and the implementation of a new team. And this is their first outing, written by known deity Brian M. Bendis. I’ve never actually read anything by Bendis, so this’ll be new for me. Let’s dive in, shall we?

T-Shirt Model Theater: Solution and Precipitate

SnorgTees, come on. Nobody is ever going to get this shirt's joke, much less the poor girl you forced to wear it, in front of everyone, on the Internet. She's trying to act all sassy to make us believe that this is even mildly not awful, but it just doesn't work, because this is the lamest thing ever. Stick to the oblivious pop culture references and blatant ripoffs.

FlashForward - Episode 12: "Revelation Zero, Part 2"

You guys remember part 1, right? Where a couple of knobs we don’t care about were kidnapped and it turns out the FBI guy was just kinda fired, and the babysitter went to a meeting? Yeah, that was super interesting. Totally worth a two part episode. I mean, our big episode ending cliffhanger is that Charlie, a character who has been nothing but an amoral pillock, might be having his fingers cut off. Good! Screw that guy.

LAST TIME: See above, dummy. Seriously, you just jump straight to the LAST TIME paragraph?

The Strawberry Shortcake Movie: Sky's the Limit

Netflix Synopsis: Strawberry Shortcake engages her entrepreneurial spirit and opens a sweet Berry Café to booming business in the heart of Berry Bitty City -- until the town's endangered water supply threatens to dry up her business and devastate the region. The challenge is steep, but Strawberry believes that with teamwork and imagination, she and her friends can save the day. This animated delight marks the beginning of a new era for the beloved character.

That is…pretty dark. That’s really dark, Strawberry Shortcake. Droughts? Budget crises? Jeez Louise. Although from the reviews, people who have no idea what the world is like fucking love this movie, so let’s check out what stupid babies are really enjoying, shall we?

Sekirei - Episode 11: "Sekirei Crest Erasure"

We’ve all been there. What do you do with all those sekirei? There are just too many! How do you get rid of them? Well you should get: Crest Erasure! Just one touch and bam! Out of your hair! Got a 10-year-old trying hard to get you on the sexual predator list? BAM! Crest Erasure! How about a genki girl who won’t stop trying to rape you? BAM! Crest Erasure! It works every time! Crest Erasure! By Ronco!

LAST TIME: We prepared to smuggle two assholes we don’t care about out of the city, and at one point they finally mentioned the uncomfortable topic of sex, but of course they don’t go anywhere with it, because nobody in Japan actually ever has sex. They just talk about it all the goddamn time. But we were promised that someone was going to die, so I’m super excited about that.

Superman/Batman #13 - Supergirl: "Hero"

You mad, Superman? Because Darkseid burned your farm and knows your secret identity and also maybe killed your cousin. And he looks so dang smug about it too. Man, he even got Batman to show his teeth!

LAST TIME: Supergirl was brainwashed by Darkseid, and all our heroes went to save her. Batman finally earns his title credit by blackmailing Darkseid to let her go, and Darkseid does, except then he totally goes back on his word and ends up killing her instead. What an asshole.

FlashForward - Episode 11: "Revelation Zero: Part 1"

Oh man! Have you guys been waiting in anticipation for the past three months about what would happen? Oh wait, it’s only been a week, because we are watching this after the fact. So, let’s catch up, shall we?

LAST TIME: FBI Guy was fired, because he did something really stupid, the Magician Guy was kidnapped because he admitted that his actions killed more people than Hitler, and everyone else is just holding on, hoping that their plotlines get to advance anytime soon. Seriously? They expect me to care about those two guys? I hate those guys! More Nurse Guy! 

Tangled

Man, I have been slacking on CGI Showdown. I just get through the week and think to myself, “Well, that’s done!” without realizing that I planned to sit through an entire movie. I barely ever watch movies! And I’ve decided to watch ones that I know are going to be bad? Not a good motivator. So, hey, how about something that’s supposed to be good? Maybe that’ll help. That company that used to be highly respected came out with a computer animated movie recently. Let's watch that.

Netflix Synopsis: Disney animators take on the classic Grimm Brothers story of Rapunzel (Mandy Moore), a long-locked beauty imprisoned in a secluded tower by evil hag Mother Gothel (Donna Murphy), who needs the rejuvenating powers of Rapunzel's tresses to remain young. When a bandit on the lam (Zachary Levi) helps Rapunzel escape, the old crone plots to recapture her and end her budding romance with the thief in this Golden Globe nominee for Best Animated Feature.

I wasn’t aware that Mandy Moore stared in the classic Grimm Brothers story. Also, I know it’s all goofy fun, but that horse should not have that sword. It is impractical, he can't swing his head nearly fast enough to do any damage, and frankly he’s just likely to hurt himself.

Sekirei - Episode 10: "The Night Before the Escape"

The next episode after this should have been called “Escape,” and then the one after that “The Night After the Escape,” that way I understand that they are all linked and they have an actual plot in mind and they are not viciously wasting my time.

LAST TIME: The big dramatic fight and potential reveal that a new enemy is in fact an ally and any potential drama was inexplicably cut short, and instead we switch focus to the douchebag who’s been dragging his lady friend through the city trying to escape. For some stupid reason, the team we follow totally wants to help him, and so now we get a whole episode where they plan this out. Seriously, why do they care about this new guy?

Wild Turkey: The Bird

Wild Turkey: Fuck you.

Why, I can't possibly imagine how this attempt to coopt a fairly common and vulgar expression into a marketing campaign can possibly go awry! I can see now how convenient it will be to be to walk up to your stressed, sleepy-eyed bartender and nonchalantly flip him off to signify that you would like a bourbon on rocks. Clearly, he will smile jovially and reach for the Wild Turkey rather than tell you to piss off and never drink there again, signaling the bouncer over to toss your stupid ass out on the street.

Superman/Batman #12 - Supergirl: "Traitor"

Um, alright. That’s a completely embarrassing and impractical outfit. Why the high heels? Why the weird pants? Have you considered wearing a shirt? And what’s with Darkseid? Why is he standing like that, eyeing us menacingly? Is he her “driver?” Okay, that was uncalled for, but I don’t like this cover. The only thing it does is completely ruin the twist for anyone who saw this cover in the solicitations.

LAST TIME: The Trinity (yes, I feel fine calling them that) visit Big Barda, who apparently lives on the set of Bewitched, to borrow her Mother Box and travel to Apokolips. The team immediately splits up and gets in trouble, all the while spouting insane, nonsensical dialogue. Turns out Supergirl has been mind controlled or something and works for Darkseid now, and celebrated by getting her hair teased.

State Farm: State of Confusion

State Farm: Dear God, do not trust any man with money. They will buy extremely pointless bullshit like samurai armor or jukeboxes or a gigantic gumball machine. Seriously, if men ran this economy it would be...wait.

Also, what the heck is the deal with that title? Are they implying that purchasing insurance from them is confusing? Or just that the commercial itself would be confusing? Because I thought it was pretty straight forward. The only thing confusing me is the title that mentions confusion for some reason. If that was their plan, good job guys.

Flash Forward - Episode 10: "A561984"

Those are just a series of numbers and letters! That is not a title for a thing! That is how you label a part of an airplane! And those are inherently extremely boring!

LAST TIME: Nurse Guy (who apparently has a doctorate after all, but man I would not trust that guy with my spleen) flies to Japan because he has a dream about a hot Japanese chick. Said Hot Japanese Chick runs away from her restrictive family and her lucrative robotics job to play guitar on the streets of LA, a very profitable business venture. Also, Beardo is pushed towards the edge by his not-actually-dead daughter, and FBI Guy is a raging jackass. Are you lost? Because I’m thoroughly archived everything. You can just read up, dummy.

Sekirei - Episode 9: "Veil and Wind"

Those are definitely two things. Two things that have some resemblence to what is going on in the show. So, okay. Sure. WHY NOT?

LAST TIME: The game is still moving on to the next stage, while our team is more concerned that some player is not playing by the rules. They decide to punish this player, who is, in fact, one of their friends in a different outfit! Will she reveal herself? Will they defeat her and immediately regret it? Will that stupid Flower Lady show up and just completely negate the fight? We will find out!

Axe - Mannequin

Axe: Yes, we're still really doing these. This whole stupid and pointless "Axe will make you attractive" shtick. We know it's super sexist and completely untrue, and so does everyone else, but why bet on a different horse now, you know?

Superman/Batman #11 - Supergirl: "Prisoner"

DANG! That is the hardest cover that I’ve ever seen that doesn’t actually convey anything. Superman is in shadows AND on fire, Batman has taken some contextual costume damage, and Wonder Woman is there to provide the boobage, while Darkseid does the Big Head in the Background thing. This has all the tropes, you guys. I don’t even care what the content is.

LAST TIME: There were a lot of Doomsdays, and Supergirl was kidnapped by Darkseid because…I’m sure there’s a reason. Harbinger got killed because she hasn’t been important for like 15 years, but good luck figuring that out, because all women look the same except for their hair color. Also, Batman is still in this apparently. I don’t know why.

Royal Caribbean: The Allure of Love

Yes, this is a minute long trailer for a ten-minute film. You'd think presenting over 10 percent of your content, with exactly all of the funny jokes, would be a bad idea. But you'd be wrong, because they tricked me into watching it. So, as a bonus feature, I’ll be reviewing the entire damn “movie,” because I care that much. Let’s watch the directorial debut of Jenny McCarthy! I hope they talk about autism!

FlashForward - Episode 9: "Believe"

So, what are the bets that we’re going to be hearing one of the 50 songs with that title? Probably closer to Elton John is more this show‘s speed, maybe even Cher if they visit another club. Worst case scenario is we get Josh Groban.

LAST TIME: The FBI guns down a guy with a three star tattoo for the crime of being in a bird store afterhours, and now everyone thinks the future is hunky dory. Apparently Charlie and The Magician are going to reveal the big secret of why everyone passed out to the world (doubt it) and Beardo’s army daughter is apparently alive and on the run from the Blackwater stand-in, who, now this is just a guess, are probably the same guys with the three star tattoos. Hell, everyone knows everyone else already, so why not?