Danger Girl #5

Hey! Look behind you! There’s a tidal wave coming at you or something! Also a ninja and some chick doing some Venture Brothers cosplay for some reason. And a submarine maybe.

LAST TIME: Our heroes went to a house and fought people, managed to get most of them shot or captured, and were treated like slabs of meat by the worst nerd on the planet, who is dressed as a cowboy. I hope somebody dies, personally.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 14: "No Ordinary Double Standard"

Let me just nip this in the bud and say how women are generally portrayed in a sexist manner in comic books and assume that I spent a good deal of time make this point clear, and then direct you to Comics Alliance for some thoughtful essays on the matter. Man, that’s the second time I’ve recommended reading based entirely on the title of this show. Apparently they are more interesting than I thought.

LAST TIME: Die Hard, Breakfast Club, and X-Men respectively. The concept of hiding their superpowers from strangers is apparently out the window, as Chiklis, Minion, and Darla all accidentally or otherwise use their powers in such a blatant way that it can’t possible be ignored (and Tiberius was totally considering it to impress a girl). But I have the strangest feeling that it just won’t come up this episode. Don’t know why, just a gut reaction.

Rideback - Episode 10: "Master of the War"

Just the one. Sure hope there isn’t another war, because then he’ll just be so confused.

LAST TIME: Quite possibly nothing. Ballerina goes into hiding, everyone’s all pissy because the government banned pogs, and then quite a bit of brooding silence. It was kinda hard to watch.

Danger Girl #4

Guys, I don’t want to concern anyone, but I think this guy might be evil. There’s just something off about him.

LAST TIME: A whole bunch of ridiculous characters get into a stupid fist fight, our heroine steals a shield, then has a really long and pointless snowmobile chase. After almost sleeping with the douchiest man on the planet, everyone is back together as a team and are off to the next target, Cowboy Richard Garfield, who is being menaced by Bad Guys.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 13: "No Ordinary Detention"

Oh man, if it turns out like the detention in Morning Glories, that would be messed up and awful. Flood the room! (You all should read Morning Glories. It will start having an interesting resolution any decade now.)

LAST TIME: Chiklis has a douchebag brother who does douchebag things, like use Tiberius’s math powers to cheat at gambling, for example. He also owned money to a TV loan shark, who thought roughing up customers and then killing them was more important than just charging a ridiculous interest rate instead. It’s just good business. Oh, and Minion continues to try and quit his job, it‘s apparently harder than you’d think.

Rideback - Episode 9: "In the Sunny Garden"

Yeah, the garden seems fine, but then there’s some terrorism and a forced murder confession and suddenly roses seem dumb and pointless in comparison.

LAST TIME: Ballerina’s got a boyfriend ballerina’s got a boyfriend. Also, apparently the worldwide political conflict is actually just a pissy fight between former colleagues, so that’s pretty catty.

Danger Girl #3

Yeah, look at me. Even though this book is technically about powerful women, they still bend down and worship me, the author avatar. Just ignore where that knife is, okay?

LAST TIME: EXPLOSIONS! Then the heroine went to a party with an asshole, and in what has to been the stupidest idea ever, decided getting naked in front of her enemy was better than just grabbing the thing she was after and running out the window or something.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 12: "No Ordinary Brother"

Because I expect this show to be less than subtle, I’m guess that a family member of MC Skat Kat’s will be making an appearance. (Get it?) Also, guess which idiot has been calling him by the wrong name for WEEKS now and has purged the mistake like the Russian police? That’s right, someone else.

LAST TIME: Pills doesn’t have amnesia after all, so don’t you worry about it! Instead, the family ruins the life of another family by stopping the criminal mom from doing crime and also getting her shot, and Minion quits his job so he take Marcia’s virginity. Not sure why he needed to quit his job to do that. But it turns out he’s a complete moron and took the stolen journal with him on his booty call, and now Marcia knows!

Rideback - Episode 8: "Get Ride! The Chosen One"

That’s not a proper conjugation. Well, I guess we’ll find out for sure if these motorcycles are magical or not. That’s the world really needs: magic motorcycles with arms.

LAST TIME: The ballerina spent the majority of the time in police custody being mopey. The alien guy is a wanted terrorist, as we figured out already, and now they’ve sprung the ballerina from prison for some reason. Let’s hope nothing super terrible happens.

Danger Girl #2

This is seconds before you get kicked in the face, because what the hell were you doing in here, you asshole? Can’t a lady bathe naked in a Roman jacuzzi in peace?

LAST TIME: Abbey Chase doesn’t die, and then joins Danger Girl, which is a top secret organization fighting whoever for no other reason than it will look totally sexy. They chase some fat asshole who stole a shield I guess, and now there are helicopters.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 11: "No Ordinary Friends"

But we just did an episode in which we learned about the power of friendship! And you can’t convince me this will be about the kids’ friends, because the only friend they seem to have is the black guy with the pregnant girlfriend. (Seriously, when are they going to get back to that? Did he dump her? Force her to get an abortion? Going to follow through? I care deeply about this tertiary character!)

LAST TIME: The adults have pissy fights for no reason, Tiberius has a crush on a girl, and Pills manages to cause something to happen by figuring out Minion’s game, then getting mind wiped. MINDWIPED! It’s a big deal.

Rideback - Episode 7: "Crime and Punishment"

You dummies know what books are right? I won’t have to make a book joke, will I? Good.

LAST TIME: The ballerina’s brother, that’s totally who that guy is, gets caught up with a gang of literal hooligans, who tear through the street and then get killed by Robocops. Meanwhile, the ballerina is being super mopey, and ends up in the same place for some reason. And now she’s going to learn the true meaning of police state!

Danger Girl #1

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAADIES.

LAST TIME: Our heroine, who has a name and stuff, but more importantly, seems to have boobs and junk, was kidnapped by a douche bag, but then got away, and then here we go.