Monday, July 30, 2012

The Gates - Episode 1: "Pilot"

Netflix Synopsis: Ah, life in suburbia: neatly mown lawns, tidy McMansions cowering behind securely locked gates: This is the life Nick (Frank Grillo) longs for, and this is the life he gets when he signs on as police chief in a planned community. Too bad his neighbors aren't human. With wolves in sheeps' clothing -- or more accurately werewolves and witches -- all around him, the new chief has his hands full protecting the community in this supernatural drama.

Wolves in sheeps’ clothing, get it?! With a title like the Gates, and from the trailer I saw a couple of years ago, I was assuming this was a True Blood clone, so it would be vampires. But I guess changing to werewolves proves it as a clone, I guess. This also might be the first show I’ve done on here in which I don’t recognize any of the actors. That will cut down on all my good “previous works” jokes. Because everyone loved those.

0:20 So…an ordinary neighborhood then. Yeah, they never have a scene like this in a show or movie unless horrible is going to happen.

0:56 Move the shower? To where? How do you move a shower?

1:24 I just ran into traffic and stopped in front of a moving car, it’s not like this is completely my fault.

1:58 Forget the fact that it’s, what, late afternoon, and so she shouldn’t be going to school right now.

2:37 He was just on his phone bitching about his wife! This guy is a lying douche bag.

3:28 So…she’s going to murder him, right? Murder him?

4:07 Wait, this is vampire stuff. She’s a vampire. I was not told there would be vampires.

4:38 Properly labeled gate.

4:57 How would being made in England make the gates stronger? Wouldn’t that just make them more expensive to ship?

5:33 How dare you tell that guy how to do his job and not make a stupid mistake.

5:57 She’s precocious!

6:40 A pool in a gated community home? My mind boggles!

7:02 So, did these people really not seen the house before they got here? Did they win it in a contest?

7:57 Apparently vampires can survive in sunlight by putting on SPF 30.

8:40 Don’t say anything racist, son.

9:22 We were just busy looking at something unspecific and chuckling.

10:32 This lady is such a villain! She is working very hard to make sure nobody pays any attention to the obvious murder.

11:10 There are like three boxes on this table and it’s STRESSING ME OUT!

12:07 Wait, the son is like 15 minutes late to his first class and there is absolutely no comment?

12:38 WHAT? NO! Did you just start talking about Flannery O’Connor because he had lupus and you got to talk about werewolves?

13:32 Also, I’m a hot girl, so you should do what I say.

14:12 Because knowledge of Irish authors makes you go at mock trial? I’m confused.

14:50 Is that…BLOOD WINE? Guffaw guffaw guffaw.

15:59 He’s home early because he’s bad at golf?

16:34 Oh dear this was sudden!

17:20 Someone who wanted to build a house?

17:57 Ah dang, dead body in the fridge, that’s just something.

18:37 Highly toxic to WEREWOLVES you mean. Stop bringing up wolf stuff!

19:03 Also, why are you at my high school, you’re like 12?

19:52 It took you this long to figure out this is a really stupid idea?

20:30 What have I told you about turning into a werewolf during practice? Save it for the game!

20:57 You can tell he’s a bad influence because he’s wearing a sleeveless shirt.

22:17 Maybe he felt really bad and didn’t want to hang out in a place where he accidentally murdered somebody. Seems reasonable to me.

22:59 Obviously, there is blood in the lasagna.

23:25 She really does just pay random people off with lasagna.

24:09 Hasn’t that guy been dead for like a day? Wouldn’t his blood taste crummy?

25:12 You’re suspicious because she’s intentionally looking for the camera in your 1984-like police state? I’d look for cameras all the time too.

26:02 You do? You like prunes? Who likes prunes?

26:41 Woo, lie detector confession!

27:14 I’m surprised this attractive girl is flummoxed that someone might find her attractive.

27:54 Man, teenage werewolves are such assholes.

28:20 Sure…intentionally walk into the restroom where you heard noises of destruction and vandalism.

30:06 Listen, police chief, I’m the sleezy land developer who wants you to stop sticking your nose into things. You know how this works.

31:20 What the hell are these people talking about?

31:51 Oh no there’s something wrong with the tea!

32:31 You…you do understand that there are cameras everywhere, right police chief? You are going to get into a shitload of trouble for this.

33:12 Oh also, there are vampires in that house.

33:35 Maybe a werewolf or something.

34:01 They sure do love dramatic stings over people just looking into the middle distance.

34:45
Oh wah, domestic vampire, you knew this would happen when you got married.

36:10 Any light at all would be nice, thanks.

36:51 They would have had to go to school regardless, it was just coincidence that the story was in the paper.

37:42 You guys have heard about Middlesex, right? I mean, the book is only five years old when this show was aired.

38:27 And I didn’t want to make things worse by getting a boner.

39:08 Fireworks? In September? What possible reason would there be for those?

39:59 Maybe an ice cream sandwich?

40:57 What the hell are you doing, walking around in this unlit park? This is an awful fucking idea.

41:25 Hey guys, a werewolf! I didn’t know there would be werewolves in this show.

42:20 OH NO! The old police chief, who should have been in another state or something, was killed in the forest!

Verdict: Any more obvious notes you want to hit here guys? I mean, secret cabal of vampires, werewolves, and witches, and they hid in the idyllic suburbs? I mean, this is pretty much just Buffy meets Desperate Housewives. And throw in all of the True Blood. All of it.

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