Simon Dark - Issue 3: "Dead Boys Dream"

Is this how you hold a saw? I don’t know how saws work. Where does the pointy end go?

LAST TIME: Our heroes gets shot dead. Super dead. But it doesn’t take, apparently, and he wakes up in a morgue and has a good old fashion freakout and escape. Then the main morgue lady goes into a random convenience store and runs into a group of people we have never seen before really concerned about keeping Simon alive, who apparently is in danger of dying again. WHAT?

Daybreak - Episode 6: "What If They Find Him"

Is this the same “they” from the first episode? Because it makes absolutely no sense if so. I’m assuming the him in this scenario is Taye, and, well, shit, they have found him from minute 1. They know where he is. He’s at home!

LAST TIME: Taye loses his shit and decided to take a police officer hostage in a police station. Because he is stressed, and that’s what happens when one is stressed. He should really take a break, before he gets shot to death.

...

Taking the week off for absolutely no good reason. See you next Monday.

Bands on the Run

The Rubber Band movie? Well…I guess there had to be one….

Netflix Syposis: Bursting with perky pop music and wacky rubber band-based characters, this animated feature inspired by a nationwide craze for rubber band bracelets tells the story of five highly elastic characters who fall off a truck and into their own adventure.

Oh right, that rubber band bracelet craze that ended a good five years before this movie was released, yeah, I remember that. Also, exactly how many adventures start with someone falling off a truck? We need to stop going back to that well.

Rosario + Vampire - Episode 10: "Sunflowers and a Vampire"

Well those two words don’t belong together at all. I mean, the word sun is involved. Now that I think about, what is up with the vampire having absolutely none of the weaknesses that vampires usually have? She even wears a crucifix around her neck!

LAST TIME: Everyone goes on holiday and swimsuits are involved, and then they run into another witch. Come on, we already have a witch. But anyway, after little girl witch has a fit for no reason, main character gets stabbed or something. I kinda wasn’t paying attention. It was a beach episode, I wasn’t expecting plot.

Simon Dark - Issue 2: “Rumors, Legends and Secrets”

And gossips and myths and old wives’ tales and parables and tall tales and superstitions and folklore and conspiracies and…

LAST TIME: Some dumb cult does some dumb stuff, and then someone who calls himself Simon Dark shows up and does some other stuff. I’m sure we’ll start to care any minute now.

Day Break - Episode 5: "What If They're Stuck"

You mean…beyond how stuck they are now? I mean, repeating the same day over and over again seems pretty stuck to me. Also…who’s they?

LAST TIME: Batmanuel guests stars as some dumb drug addict that is around for some reason, and after a few stupid days of dealing with his bullshit, Taye managed to change how someone would act somehow, and now he has to dodge a call every morning if he doesn’t want his whole day to get sidetracked. I’m sure it will probably get ignored completely for the rest of the series anyway.

Race

Netflix Synopsis: This fast-paced animated film tells a story set far in the future, when the interplanetary Alliance staves off threats of war by establishing the Star Car 5000 race, thereby allowing potential enemies to act out their aggressions on the racecourse. The drivers become celebrities revered everywhere, but ruthlessness rules and the stakes grow ever higher. Determined to win, Team Earth seeks to outmaneuver their bitter rivals and keep the peace.

Because the Olympics has been very effective at staving off war in the real world. Here’s hoping this is just 90 minutes of pod racing.

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 9: "Summer Break and a Vampire"

Beach episode you guys. Beach episode.

LAST TIME: Our main hero is an idiot, so he tries to get some tutoring help from his vampire friend, but this pisses off the math teacher, who decides she will totally mind control and rape him. That’s what happens. It is fucked up. He will need to go to therapy.

Simon Dark - Issue 1: “What Simon Does”

Okay, time to move onto DC’s sister company, some good old Vertigo horror stories not fit for their main universe. What’s that? This is a main line book? Released during the heyday of Countdown? Existing in the same city as Batman? Well hell, that’s something.

So, this is Simon Dark. He’s named after a nursery rhyme native to Gotham City. Apparently there are a lot of those. I don’t understand how nursery rhymes can be native to a city. I also know nothing else about him, besides that he looks creepy and I hate him.

Day Break - Episode 4: “What If He Can Change the Day”

WHAT IF INDEED! Man, that would completely change the dynamics of the show. Except what day would he change it to? How would it still make sense if he did that?

LAST TIME: Taye managed to pick up his mail and decided that it’ll probably be okay if he doesn’t protect his girlfriend at all times, because again, day resets. Also some stuff about some meeting he has to go to and some lady he needs to protect, it’s a little confusing.

Peter and the Wolf

I want to watch something that is supposed to be good, and also that is very short. So…this one won an Oscar. Not nominated, like that absurd pile Gulliver’s Travel. Here’s Peter and the Wolf. Get your clarinet ready.

Netflix Synopsis: When a wolf threatens the safety of a tiny Russian village, young outcast Peter -- whose only friend is a duck -- becomes an unlikely hero in this masterful, dialogue-free adventure set to Sergei Prokofiev's classic 1936 score. Filmmaker Suzie Templeton transplants the action of the classic folktale to contemporary Russia, which she illustrates with beguiling stop-motion animation. The film won the 2008 Oscar for Best Animated Short.

Beguiling? I have not seen the word beguiling outside the context of Magic: The Gathering. Who still says that? Also, yah no dialogue, I can talk through the whole thing!

Rosario + Vampire - Episode 8: "Math and a Vampire"

Okay, I really need to know! How can MATH led to a monster fight that will require the assistance of an extremely powerful vampire? Is this school so dangerous that the mere act of doing your homework puts you in mortal peril?

LAST TIME: Our hero is once again the target of teenage love, because he is just the coolest guy, you know? Of course, this one turns out to be an actual teenage girl, i.e. extremely insecure and suicidal, and to make it worse she has horrific ice powers. But she’s saved and turns around her glum attitude without any therapy! Convenient.

Squadron Supreme - Issue 7: "Turnabout"

Yeah you know what this looks like. Don’t make me say it.

LAST TIME: The government decides to give an insane megalomaniac even more power, because why not, Not-Batman beats up an actor from the 70’s who is currently playing a pimp, and some guy named Redstone I guess shows up to punch people.