Saturday, March 24, 2012

Spirit of the Forest

Netflix Synopsis: Wicked landowner Mrs. D'Abondo (voiced by Anjelica Huston) can't see the friendly trees for the fearsome forest that stands in the path of a proposed highway, so when she pulls out the chain saw, it's up to gophers Furi (Sean Astin) and Linda (María Adánez) to jam the works. In this animated comedy, Tiger the Free Cat, Huhu and all the other critters go on the sniff for the mighty Spirit that can save them.

Did you know that Anjelica Huston’s first role was as a hand model in the dopey James Bond parody Casino Royale? I know, that sounds completely unbelievable. Oh, and there is someone called Tiger the Free Cat, which will be my name if I ever go insane and attend a furry convention. You guys ready for some blatant environmentalism?

0:12 There is adult content in this movie about gophers?

0:39 For some reason the Disney channel chipped in. I have no idea why.

1:47 Oh never mind, I guess this is a Halloween cartoon.

2:04 Hang up, this is the two characters from the title card. Did they…get here from the title card?

2:38 Again with skateboarding on leaves in riverbeds. This apparently happens all the time.

3:18 The title just dropped in as if this was a horror movie. I’m still not sure it isn’t!

4:18 Nobody will know about this clubhouse that I labeled with a huge CLUB sign.

4:56 This gopher is believably the worst person to be around.

5:44 When I unexpectedly lose my glasses, I immediately run forward at top speed into all my compatriots.

6:33 I guess that’s the end of the clubhouse then. That will teach everyone to hang out with stupid nerds.

7:37 And here's some idiot flies to liven things up.

8:19 He was born in an onion patch, so naturally he still smells like an onion.

9:03 They are 0 for 8 for making a single non-ugly character.

9:56 She…she has amulets to get rid of the ghosts that she is apparently terrified of all of a sudden.

10:27 I can’t understand why this cat won’t let me pet it after I tried to poison it with pesticide.

11:05 “Hey, you guys are cats!” Astute observation, dog!

11:53 I immediately rescind my admiration for the name Tiger the Free Cat. This guy is a loser.

13:07 This is the worst salesman. Especially considering he’s forgetting to sell something.

13:52
Tiger was distracted from his imminent peril by a lady cat.

15:20 When do we get back to the gophers? Or the eponymous Spirit of the Forest?

15:53
So I guess these cats love each other?

16:30
NO! We have no problem with that! Why did you bring it up at all, fly?

17:06 Apparently this evil woman is married to Obelix.

17:56 Fax? What year was this movie made? Send an e-mail!

18:22 This doesn’t sound like the James Bond theme at all! And it’s totally appropriate.

19:09 But there are only two of us! It will cost us way more than we will receive for the sale to cut down all the trees! What a stupid idea!

20:05 Also, who sends a fax of a picture? And sends it through a music box?

21:31 Man, I would love to live in a universe where paper airplanes act the way they do in movies.

22:45 Go take the ox for a walk while you are driving to the city to deliver these papers.

23:28 Oh, and I guess the trees talk?

23:54 Let’s just ignore this problem until something terrible happens.

24:36 The secret clubhouse that was gutted by a fire?

25:49 Probably because of how unlikeable I am.

26:10 Like leave the movie forever? Maybe? Go away you stupid flies!

26:48 Hurray they were eaten by a cat!

27:46 The Siamese cat twins are French? That’s odd. And where did all these cats even come from?

28:44
I can’t help but notice that we are still focusing on these stupid flies!

29:50 Does this movie really need 20 different characters? I do not care about these cats! They are not contributing to the plot at all!

30:58 They just head butted each other for no reason.

32:06 And…poop jokes. Seriously, can these flies just die already?

33:18 Everybody knows that oxen are afraid of mice.

33:44 I for one am hoping that the ox never shows up.

35:38 That was a lot of build up for nothing at all.

37:18 How did these cats tie up the rat?

38:16 What’s behind Door Number 1?!

38:39
Tiger wants some pussy. (SORRY SORRY!)

39:37 Wait, cats can’t walk on ceilings.

41:02 Behold, check out this creepy chainsaw I keep in a coffin for some sick reason.

41:52 They know each other? How do the gopher and the house cat know each other?

42:50 Why did they bring so many apples? Do cats like apples?

44:40 Um, no, you, rat, you are dumb, for taunting a cat that tried to eat you.

45:59 Hang on, the leaves are also sentient.

46:16 Well, I guess we have no choice but to let all these trees be cut down. There’s no reasoning with my insane bitch of a wife.

47:37 That was the dumbest thing the flies have ever said, and yet it managed to provoke the central plot.

48:47 I guess they know several mice who are available to help then?

49:07 And, and a couple of them were electrocuted to death! Hurray!

50:35 Oh that is an adorable little music box. It only has two skeletons on it.

52:15 Um, yeah, how did all the animals clean up all the leaves?

53:15 So the plan didn’t work at all? Well, fantastic then.

53:30 OH GOD why isn’t he wearing a shirt?

54:41 That…will not work on the tree. Kicking trees generally won’t affect them.

55:42 What happened to the chainsaw? And why are these two going along with that crazy woman’s stupid plan?

57:29 The trees suggested to help their fellow tree who was felled. I have no idea how.

58:20 I am so much smarter than you, you stupid kid. So do what I say.

59:35 There’s a van? All the animals are going to leave the forest in a van?

1:01:10 Yeah, the geek is right, for some reason.

1:01:59 Hey guys, poop joke. Even worse than a regular one, so take two drinks.

1:02:39 So…their new plan is their old plan? They are still trying to “haunt” this woman? Why do they still think that will work?

1:03:44
I’m just going to carry around this metal object in a thunderstorm! It’s a good idea!

1:04:34
That is the smug look of a nerd who thinks he’s totally going to get laid tonight.

1:04:58 These trees didn’t consider talking before? What was stopping them?

1:05:50 Just…just take all the time in the world to try and cut off that cat’s head with a chainsaw. Be sure to give us plenty of time to interrupt you.

1:07:01 The flies just flew down the throat! That is so gross!

1:07:43 In case it wasn’t obvious, these two moles love each other.

1:08:03
Their brilliant plan was to drop poop on her?

1:08:25 Hey, just throw that chainsaw anywhere lady.

1:08:35 OH FUCK! Oh, apparently the chainsaw falling on her head just cut off her hair.

1:09:44 What? Some guys from a mental institution just…happened to be there?

1:10:51 HAHA! The rat and the nerd were about to make out for a second.

1:11:37 I almost forgot there was a dog!

1:12:37 They took the dog to the loony bin? I’m pretty sure that’s unsanitary!

1:12:59 Oh shit a sequel threat!

1:13:18 Giovanni Ribisi played the nerd? But I thought people liked him!

1:13:55
Still with the horror movie stings. It’s like they didn’t even bother to watch the same movie I did.

1:14:59 And I guess that tree that got cut down is okay…because nothing is ever allowed to die in cartoons.

Verdict: This was bad and it had too many characters. I am always completely surprised by what gets made in other countries and somehow gets translated into English so it can be forced on Americans. They really think we're that dumb.

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