LAST TIME: Our heroes find and break into the bad guy’s lair, and/or begin to escape from the bad guy’s lair, and then some bad guy shows up and starts fighting a ninja. You know what, it’s kinda ridiculous, and I’m kinda impatient for it to be over.
Page 1, Panel 4: Ho ho ho heroic quipping! That guy probably died!
Page 2, Panel 1: OF COURSE there is a security camera zooming in to her boobs.
Page 4, Panel 3: Why don’t you start searching under M? For maps.
Page 5, Panel 3: Apparently you can just dramatically leap away from an explosion and it will be just fine.
Page 7, Panel 2: They both just decided that the fight would be better fought without their shirts on.
Page 7, Panel 4: All the better to show off their sweet opposing tattoos.
Page 8, Panel 2: Oh hell this little jerk is back.
Page 8, Panel 4: And he’s dressed up like Hitler. Little person Hitler.
Page 9, Panel 4: And he got defeated instantly, because of course little people can’t be good at combat.
Page 10, Panel 5: Well, we’re about to die, so how about we makeout, despite the fact that you hate me?
Page 11, Panel 1: Oh dang, the doors are closing, guess we can’t shoot our guns at them.
Page 12, Panel 4: Barracuda is already bragging about his conquest to the girl he just made out with and the girl he still wants to make out with. He is an idiot.
Page 13, Panel 1: Yep, that sure looks like all the guards alright.
Page 13, Panel 3: Does she seriously think that our heroine is a virgin?
Page 14, Panel 1: Um, what more do they need to do with the armor? Don’t they have to just kinda put it on? It’s a helmet, a shield and a sword. Pretty easy to figure out.
Page 14, Panel 2: We meet again! Nice to meet you! By the way, where are we?
Page 15, Panel 2: Ah man, are they really going to put the armor on the elderly leader? Come on, guy, the glory days are over, delegate ultimate power.
Page 15, Panel 5: Please don’t have your characters laugh at your dumb physical humor, book, it’s unseemly.
Page 16, Panel 2: Okay traitor, two things. No, you did not have the leader fooled at all, and you definitely did not need our heroine’s help at all. ALL of her intel came from the big boss. If she hadn’t joined the team at all, it wouldn’t have affected anything.
Page 17, Panel 2: With these knives!
Page 18, Panel 1: Hold up, were these two dating? I thought they were just partners. No not that kind!
Page 20, Panel 1: HEY! You! Yes you. Stop masturbating.
Page 21, Panel 2: Nazi Pope!
Page 21, Panel 4: HMM! The Nazis didn’t understand the power of the ancient artifact they worked hard to acquire and it ended up backfiring, killing them. Haven’t seen that before!
Page 22, Panel 2: Everybody limbo!
Page 24: OH NO IT’S wait why do I need to be afraid of this guy? I’m not even sure whose side he is on yet.
Page 27, Panel 1: There are Nazi Boy Scouts? What the hell? Just when I think something else really dumb won’t appear.
Page 27, Panel 3: Ug, I would get those nails done, ancient Atlantean warrior.
Page 28, Panel 2: A zombie army, in case you thought they couldn’t mash in another “cool” idea.
Page 28, Panel 5: That zombie literally said, “Moooaan.”
Page 29, Panel 5: The dragon has had enough of this zombie nonsense, and I sympathize.
Page 30, Panel 6: Yeah, you kinda failed to mention that this armor was evil. Also, if you figured out it was evil way back in Issue 4, then why did you bother to retrieve the sword? Why not leave it at the bottom of the ocean, where it was safe?
Page 32, Page 3: Stop quipping! Just punch a guy in the ribs without saying anything!
Page 33, Panel 1: Where the hell did they get a helicopter? And why did they think being in a vehicle as notoriously poorly armored as a helicopter was the best way to approach this demonic creature whose powers they don’t understand?
Page 33, Panel 5: Oh no green stuff!
Page 34, Panel 2: Oh never mind, I guess the green stuff wasn’t a problem Back to firing missiles at him!
Page 35, Panel 5: Oh no, my one enemy! Deluges of water!
Page 36, Panel 2: Wait, he could be defeated just by knocking his helmet off? Could you have picked a way to cause that to happen without killing all the soldiers on the ground as well?
Page 36, Panel 4: In case you forgot, the Russian is traitorous for no reason whatsoever.
Page 37, Panel 1: Reasonably, this girl is kicking the evil scientist for threatening to rape her.
Page 37, Panel 3: Oh shit I forgot about the dumb ninjas. And they suddenly transported to the set of Star Wars Episode III.
Page 37, Panel 4: That is her name right? That one girl that I don’t think I’ve even gotten a clear look at? Yeah, I’m totally going to kill her.
Page 38, Panel 4: Oh dang, the evil ninja is going to go to TMZ with this info!
Page 39, Panel 3: Whoops! And that’s why they tell you not to run on the scaffolding.
Page 39, Panel 5: Oh come on! Just let this jerk die. He’s a jerk.
Page 40, Panel 3: Hey, does this bug you? Does it?
Page 41, Panel 5: This sexist super agent dies in the flood, right? I know he’s on our side, but still.
Page 42, Panel 1: Boss! What are you wearing?
Page 42, Panel 4: You two are still fighting? How long can it take to betray someone to death?
Page 44, Panel 1: Oh come on we just had this moment! Stop trying to save the bad guys! She is a psychopath!
Page 45: Note, explosions make awful full page spreads.
Page 46, Panel 3: Where did your clothes go? And how did you get off the out-of-control helicopter?
Page 47, Panel 4: Hold up, who is the person with her back to us at the bottom of the page? Are there groupies on the Danger Yacht?
Page 48, Panel 1: Apparently the good ninja survived, and also is the heroine’s dad. So, that’s stupid.
Page 49, Panel 3: OH NO THIS GUY MIGHT BE ALIVE!
Verdict: Well that certainly wrapped up, and it was nice of them to keep throwing cliché after cliché at us, in case we might have gotten scared of a new idea or something. The whole thing was kinda blah, what with all the dumb things that happened, and the fact that every male character was just a complete jerk (except the ninja, I guess.) The art was pretty good, it just felt like there didn’t need to be a story at all. Just draw naughty pinups if that’s what you want to do. Oh, I did I mention that this series, which should have just stopped, has been resurrected with new adventures and even a movie deal? YEP.
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