Garfield's Pet Force

I keep being completely amazed that the Garfield franchise keeps pooping stuff out. Garfield ceased being relevant in 1996, and yet here we are, with a computer animated show with this gormless, boring jerk. Over under on lasagna jokes? Six? We’ll keep count.

NetFlix Synopsis: When an alien menace and her army of undead minions threaten to enslave the world -- and worse, disrupt Garfield's cookout -- the courageous cat shakes off his lethargy and heads up a team of comic-strip superheroes to save the day. But when the going gets tough and his pals are imperiled by the otherworldly forces, will Garfield prove he's up to the challenge -- or is it too late for the well-fed feline to change his slothful stripes?

Aliens and zombies? Can we not do zombies? I’m kinda done with goddamn zombies.

Rosario + Vampire - Episode 3: "Witchling and a Vampire"

A witchling is like a witch, only tinier and for some reason sexier. Everything is sexier in anime.

LAST TIME: A succubus decides that some random jackass is his perfect mate, and this conflicts with a vampire who has already decided to fall in love with him. So, they decide to kill each other. That’s how monsters handle things. Then they…don’t kill each other. Whatever, it’s dumb, moving on.

Squadron Supreme - Issue 2: “First Steps”

Does this fish lady just go everywhere with the Green Lantern guy? Does she have any friends? I’m worried about the status of their relationship.

LAST TIME: Surprise surprise the government is putting together a team of superheroes. This plot hasn’t been done like a few dozen times. We are introduced to a crew of people who are not quite but close enough expies of DC heroes, and we get to see the gritty Marvel treatment of them, so…I guess the Flash might make out with a dude? I don’t know. Also, George W. Bush is in this.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 18: "No Ordinary Animal"

Ah shit…another filler episode. I hope it’s a cat. It’s definitely a dog, but I still hope it’s still a cat. I like cats.

LAST TIME: Chiklis gets mind controlled by Cylon Six to blow up something for reasons not explained. Darla also helps the Big Bad give a random jackass superpowers, even though logically it's something that any jackoff could do, and a new enemy shows up just because.

Spirit of the Forest

Netflix Synopsis: Wicked landowner Mrs. D'Abondo (voiced by Anjelica Huston) can't see the friendly trees for the fearsome forest that stands in the path of a proposed highway, so when she pulls out the chain saw, it's up to gophers Furi (Sean Astin) and Linda (María Adánez) to jam the works. In this animated comedy, Tiger the Free Cat, Huhu and all the other critters go on the sniff for the mighty Spirit that can save them.

Did you know that Anjelica Huston’s first role was as a hand model in the dopey James Bond parody Casino Royale? I know, that sounds completely unbelievable. Oh, and there is someone called Tiger the Free Cat, which will be my name if I ever go insane and attend a furry convention. You guys ready for some blatant environmentalism?

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 2: "Succubus and a Vampire"

That’s the supernatural romance version of between a rock and a hard place. Of course, in supernatural romance, the only conflict would be which one you should completely submit to, having options is so hard!

LAST TIME: Some nerd sucks at school, and through some dumb methods, gets transferred to a school that teaches monsters. Despite the fact that the school is only for monsters, everyone pretends to be human at all times, which makes no sense. He meets a cute and obnoxious vampire girl, and falls so desperately in love with her that he decides to stay, after some kind of dumb fight or whatever.

Squadron Supreme - Issue 1: "The Pre-War Years"

I was hunting for horrible books to read at the local used book store, and came across this gem. Now, I knew nothing about it, but I figured I didn’t need to, because it was going to be dumb regardless. Who are all these jerks? What is with the giant gimp with the owl fetish? Why is that lady in the back so excited? Who invited Sloth? (Also there is a tiny man standing in a precarious dangerous place. Took me weeks to see him.)

A bit of research that I really should have done a while ago reveals that the reason I have no clue who these dummies are is because they are from an alternate Marvel universe that was initially published on the MAX imprint. Which means some great and terrible things: One, there is no reason to care about these character, so many of them are going to die, and two, there will probably be nudity. So let’s discover and then quickly forget about this team together.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 17: "No Ordinary Love"

I refuse to dignify this nonsense with a mildly witty reply. I refuse to dignify this with a hackneyed reply!

LAST TIME: All cats are out of the bag! Cats are leaping out of bags with abandon! Marcia breaks up with Minion due to him being a murderer, Tiberius gets blackmailed to do…something, and Pills’ boyfriends’ Dad is the biggest douchebag. Seriously, regains the capacity to walk and immediately starts to rob banks. The hell, sir?

Gnomeo and Juliet

Hope you like gnome puns!

Netflix Synopsis: This animated family comedy transports Shakespeare's classic tale of forbidden romance between two star-crossed lovers from warring families to the unlikely and irreverent world of garden gnomes.

Because if this story can handle conversion to the streets of New York and into outer space, surely it can handle be transported to your own front yard! And nobody wants new Elton John music!

Rosario + Vampire - Episode 1: "New Life and a Vampire"

Okay, that quiet, meandering anime with a point is over, and was not really all that fun to watch. At least, it didn’t have the zany nonsense that makes overreacting to the storyline easy and accessible. So let’s watch something that looks like it’s going to devolve into ecchi nonsense, and has a stupid premise besides. It’s…..good? to be back.

NetFlix Synopsis: When Tsukune accidentally enrolls in a school for monsters disguised as humans, he must hide the fact that he's really human or risk losing his life. After falling for cute vampire Moka, he decides it's worth the risk to stay.

Danger Girl #7

I am liking this Dragon’s Lair reboot.

LAST TIME: Our heroes find and break into the bad guy’s lair, and/or begin to escape from the bad guy’s lair, and then some bad guy shows up and starts fighting a ninja. You know what, it’s kinda ridiculous, and I’m kinda impatient for it to be over.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 16: "No Ordinary Proposal"

Now, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be Minion asking Marcia to marry him, but I’m kinda hoping that the Big Bad will come to Darla and suggest that they start eating all the non-super powered scientists.

LAST TIME: The doppelganger finally gets around to infiltrating, and she and Chiklis have a big bald fight, which kills her somehow. Also, the kids manage to get held captive at gunpoint, I’m not even sure how that happened, while Pills continues to abuse her Jedi mind powers.

Goat Story

Netflix Synopsis: A country boy named Jemmy, and his friend Goat, move to the big city to experience life to the fullest. Trouble ensues when Katy, a streetwise girl, falls in love with Jemmy, making Goat the unwilling third wheel and setting the town into chaos

The goat is named Goat? That’s racist. Also of note, this movie is rated PG-13, due to sensuality and nudity. Which means we will get to see some computer-generated boobs. You excited? Pervert.

Rideback - Episode 12: "To the Stage of Light"

I actually care how this one resolves! I mean, I have no idea how this is going to end, it’ll probably be dull, but I still want to know! So let’s watch people dick around on motorbikes, you guys!

LAST TIME: Everyone has gotten over it, and the ballerina is back on the bike, willing to ride off and do something awesome. Oh, and I guess the fascist world government is in trouble, and terrorists and whatever.

Danger Girl #6

It’s almost as if you can’t trust Russians no matter what! They turn out to be members of the neo-Nazi organization bent on world destruction every time. Which doesn’t even make sense, because the Nazis hated the Russians.

LAST TIME: Nobody died, I think, even though it seemed very likely. Instead, they met a crappy ninja and go for a submarine ride. Then the bad guys attack, and it turns out the Russian lady was a traitor, because nonsensical plot twists are the laziest way to tell a story.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 15: "No Ordinary Powell"

What? The hell does that even mean? Like Colin Powell? No Ordinary well-decorated African-American general who had a tumultuous time as a secretary on George W. Bush’s staff?  Is one of the characters named Powell? On dang that’s the last name of the main characters, right… So, the title could have very well been “No Ordinary Guys.”

LAST TIME: Chiklis is sexist, and gets his comeuppance, I guess? Also Tiberius just blows his date with the hot blonde, Marcia gets mind wiped by Minion to avoid having what is, at best, a difficult conversation, and the Big Bad totally figures out that our heroes have superpowers. OOPS!

Donkey X

….SPAIN. Of course I return to the regular CGI feature with one of the cheapest looking things I’ve ever seen. Even before I started considering watching movies for snarky reasons, I have been offended by how derivative this looks. Not only does that Donkey look remarkably like another donkey we’ve probably seen before (Shrek), but this movie itself was ripped off by Goat Story, which has a cover exactly like it. It’s like a matryoshka doll of suck. (And yes, Goat Story is next week.)

Netflix Synopsis: Don Quixote's (voiced by José Luis Gil) true story is revealed through the legendary donkey of Castile: Rucio (Luis Posada), who is owned by Sancho Panza (Andreu Buenafuente). Mischief, acts of bravery and adventure abound when Rucio and Don Quixote challenge the Half Moon Knight. Meanwhile, a desire for the stunningly gorgeous Dulcinea (Sonia Ferrer) is revealed. Miguel de Cervantes's classic tale gets the animated treatment.

None of that is even slightly funny! Let’s get on with it!

Rideback - Episode 11: "Cloudy Followed by Occasionally Rain..."

We interrupt this political thriller involving motorcycles with arms for the weather report.

LAST TIME: Someone died! Sure, it was the least important character after the fat guy, but it was someone, and it was really sad! It will totally finally get the plot moving again, I hope.