Netflix Synopsis: A fun-filled adventure for the whole family, The Nuttiest Nutcracker is a star-studded computer-animated movie that lends a madcap twist to the cherished Nutcracker tale - all gone nuts!
So…legumes then. Just straight up legumes, all the time. Also, Jim Belushi is not a star, no matter how much you try to convince me!
0:04 Columbia Tri-Star Video: The House of Usher personified!
0:15 Oh shit that is way too much Phyllis Diller way too soon!
1:05 They’re dead, kids. Hope you like being orphans.
1:34 You know, I’m pretty sure there are two other people in this room with you, ya bitch.
2:11 That was three questions in a row that a character in the movie asked that I myself would have asked.
3:15 That is the tiniest nutcracker I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t crack anything with that.
4:02 And I wouldn’t know much else, since I was filming Duck Soup at the time.
4:40 Wait, there are both sentient and nonsentient nuts? Because otherwise, this Prince was assigned to assassinate someone.
6:10 Young people’s actions never mean anything ever!
6:35 Let me just put you into this completely empty China hutch. About time I had something to put in here!
7:17 Oh hey Jim. Keep on riding on those coattails!
8:01 What? Perry and Walter from Home Movies? What are they doing here?
8:54 I really hope this is the only musical number in this thing, because then I won’t have to hear any more songs.
9:49 And the Rat King fell 15 feet to his death, the end.
10:41 Thank you! I was wondering when we would get a MIDI keyboard version of those classic opera songs.
11:03 Where did all these toy soldiers come from?
12:00 All the food is sentient? Okay, that…makes sense, but I still hate it.
12:50 AND FART JOKE. Take a drink.
14:04 Are mice known for chasing down and torturing elders?
14:50 Oh shit Cam Clarke is back! He is the leader of the team!
15:40 I was about to get mad because the Rat King was totally wearing shoes, but I did correct himself that he was wearing boots.
16:30 And…the Rat King totally wants to fuck the human teenager.
16:52 Why did you climb up the ladder?! Have you considered leaving the room?
17:15 Wait, the star on top of the tree is suddenly a huge plot point? Didn’t the Rat King totally bounce off that during his musical number?
18:29 So…Uncle whoever just shrunk the teenage girl for no reason.
19:03 HAHA! Gourd jokes!
20:10 That joke wasn’t even bad enough for this kind of reaction.
21:09 Your parents wish that you were never born!
21:54 These fruits and vegetables are very easily led.
22:45 WHY IS THE JAMAICAN BEAN SINGING IN A GOSPEL STYLE! You cannot trick me into thinking this might be Cheech Marin’s singing voice.
24:02 All you need is faith (and a bit of mescaline) to see the world as endless fields of ice cream!
25:16 Well that killed a good four minutes.
25:45 The Rat Kingdom has a castle?
26:54 That is a ridiculous entourage. This is worse than hanging out with Turtle.
27:56 Is there any reason that Phyllis Diller keeps on showing up? Is she the narrator or what?
28:27 Where did her necklace go? How did you idiots forget to animate the McGuffin?
29:18 So…did Grampa Nut die? Because I haven’t seen him since he was set upon by mouse soldiers.
29:59 Oh such a cliché! A dramatic ballad next to a river of cheese.
30:46 Hang on, this song is about God? What? Ninja Christianity.
31:18 Also, does this mean that the Nutcracker Prince is Jesus?
32:21 The Ritz cracker company should sue. How is their product the only recognizable object in this mess?
33:37 I thought this was already covered under Grinch vs. Whoville, that is impossible to destroy Christmas.
34:16 We tried working together, and it went poorly, so it’s selfish anarchy from here on out!
35:47 Yeah, I remember the fruity groom dance at the last wedding I went to.
36:42 Pancake golems! Hamster economies! Blue cheese airplanes! Anything is possible!
37:21 These rats have curved swords. Curved. Swords.
38:05 Who put that lever there?!
38:37 How did everyone get into the cheese mines?! Were they captured and imprisoned? Because it has been like two minutes since we last saw them.
39:36 The cheese hovercraft, whose appearance was already poorly defined, has run out of cheese gas, thus saving the day.
40:30 What a douchebag! Nice golluming, you stupid dick.
41:26 Why are you so mad? The MacGuffin kept disappearing and reappearing at its leisure earlier.
42:22 Nice game, nice game, nice game.
43:42 Don’t ask how! Just do it!
44:12 Because you’re a creep, and I don’t want to be your girlfriend.
44:50 Did they just all thank a mummy?
45:10 Seriously? You couldn’t be bothered to animate the father? You made room for a goddamn asparagus with a necktie, but didn’t animate the father?
46:17 What’s up person I met 30 seconds ago, let’s make out!
46:42 Let the movie end Phyllis Diller!
47:29 Did that guy spell his name Jos’h? Oh shit, I am doing that from now on.
48:05 Oh wait Paul Newman. How did he get dragged into this?
Verdict: Well…that didn’t make any sense, but Gospel music rarely sounds terrible, so that saved it slightly. But man…so lazy this one was. That wasn’t nutty, that was obnoxious. Also, when has Phyllis Diller ever been a non-ironic addition to the cast? Ever?
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