The New Avengers #1: "Breakout"

Okay, time to pick on the other guy. Marvel is constantly rocking its ranks with events, an obnoxious tradition that they continue to this day with Fear Itself (which will continue for the next twenty years, it feels like). All of these things were started with a single huge event, Avengers Disassembled. That set up the impetus for everything that happened all the way up to now, from the Civil War through the Secret Invasion through Siege and so on. One of the biggest things from that event though was the breaking up the Avengers, and the implementation of a new team. And this is their first outing, written by known deity Brian M. Bendis. I’ve never actually read anything by Bendis, so this’ll be new for me. Let’s dive in, shall we?



Page 1, Panel 2: Oh Scarlet Witch, is there anything that you can’t fuck up?

Page 2, Panel 2: What, he has to create the plan that you just told him? Wouldn’t that make it his plan?

Page 2, Panel 4: What? No swears? But this is comic books. Comic books are for grown-up babies, they love swears.

Page 4, Panel 2: Oh hey the Raft! I love this place. It’s like an even worse version of Alcatraz.

Page 6, Panel 1: There are only eight levels to the Raft? Come on guys, you know you could have squeezed in one more, just for dramatic purposes. Or, or maybe there’s a hidden ninth level!

Page 6, Panel 5: Are you going to flip off the Purple Man, Luke Cage? Because that would be awesome.

Page 8, Panel 1: Where do you suggest they keep all the arrested super villains, Daredevil? Scattered across the land in magic temples?

Page 8, Panel 2: Spiderwoman has superpowers? I thought she was just really flexible.

Page 9, Panel 1: “Whend’jou?” That is one way to spell that. Or there the regular damn way.

Page 10, Panel 4: Yeah, okay, we get it, power went out. Don’t need to waste a page showing us.

Page 11: Is…this a page? Did it show up like this in the original comic book? Or did they mess up the page order in such a way that they need a filler page to set up the two page spread? They know how comic books work, right?

Page 13: Oh look, an explosion at the Raft. Haven’t seen that in a while.

Page 14, Panel 1: Hey, it’s Mary Jane married to Peter Parker! How have you been? Enjoying your now devil purged marriage?

Page 14, Panel 2: Haha! Hugh Grant. Remember him?

Page 14, Panel 5: How would Spider-man have caused a blackout, MJ?

Page 16, Panel 1: Spider-man webslinged a helicopter, everyone! This is the greatest development.

Page 16, Panel 5: Why is the coloring so dark? I can’t see nearly anything. Did the helicopter explode?

Page 17, Panel 1: Oh, there it goes.

Page 19, Panel 1: Oh hey Captain America. Did you hear Spider-man talking to himself? Because he does that a lot.

Page 20: Here’s that goddamn placeholder page again. Did they really run so many ads that it completely screwed up the ordering of the book as the artist handed it in?

Page 22, Panel 4-8: Yes, that is five panels that show the exact same door being hit by lightning. I have no idea why. Is his lightning not working?

Page 23: Oh no, a bunch of villains that I don’t recognize! Is that Scarecrow? No, wait, wrong company.

Page 24, Panel 3: You’re just going to continue doing what you were doing before? Not concerned about the explosions?

Page 25, Panel 2: Why is Spiderwoman asking these questions? Doesn’t she work here? Also, the Sentry. Oh boy. I’ve heard all about this jerk.

Verdict: A whole lot sure didn’t happen! Some superheroes are conveniently on the island for a breakout attempt, and we’re probably going to spend another five issues just mopping up this nonsense. Also, there were far too many two page spreads. There were three of them! That’s a fifth of the book gone right there.