Just the one. Those others would have been super uninteresting. Remember the horse island? Man, screw that place. I like how the synopsis implies that he can’t go home if Lilliput goes to war, as if he is in any danger whatsoever. I also love that this movie is proud that it was in the running for the Oscars, despite the fact that every animated film released in theaters that year gets nominated. Also, a mix of traditional and computer animation? How will that not look surprising crappy?
0:24 Man, this is one crappy looking production card wait this is the actual movie? Holy shit, really? Look at this!
0:56 Yeah, real pirates make sure that all of their crew have…food?
1:26 Why would you want them to stand on their watches? They would break.
2:02 What is the ship’s wheel doing inside?
2:20 Guys, turn around, that is obviously a city skyline behind you. You can get food there.
2:50 What? You mean clouds? You’ve never seen fucking clouds before?
3:09 And it’s opening with some horror movie stings, and from what I’ve seen so far, that is appropriate.
3:40 “Script: Alexandria.” Just…the city of Alexandria. Everyone pitched in.
4:40 Sepudra!
4:51 Um, that was a weird walking montage.
5:10 Why does this Indian grandma sound Jewish?
6:15 How do they know it’s a giant? You haven’t actually shown us with Gulliver next to any of the Lilliputians.
6:45 Who would the horse tell?! How?
7:10 Why is Gulliver’s voice different now?
7:26 And why it take them until night to get to the beach? The guy on the horse took about ten minutes to get there.
8:38 The horse actually talks?!
9:22 Okay, how did they “quietly” roll Gulliver onto his back?
10:03 I will stab you with this toothpick!
10:27 So many are wounded? Where are they hiding?
10:44 And this guy is Irish? He looks Chinese.
11:53 Okay, this dance number has me firmly convinced this movie was produced in India. Also the fact that everyone looks Indian. Also the extremely poor quality.
12:57 Um…maybe a three minute dance interlude isn’t that great of idea when your animators can’t even make feet look right.
14:13 And the emperor sounds like an insect.
15:06 How would the astrologer be able to predict a giant showing up on the beach?
16:00 Where is the evil guy from the beginning? Shouldn’t he be the one trying to trick the emperor to go to war? Where did he go?
16:48 Ah, I see, the random girl from the beach is the only one that everyone will listen to.
17:38 Ew. Don’t pour yellow liquid into his mouth. That’s gross.
18:30 And everyone just starts crawling all over him…and then they fire arrows into his arm…and then he passes out. What the fucking hell?
19:10 So…you’re still going to go through with the wedding despite the fact that the groom is missing at sea?
19:58 They are sticking the spear up his nose.
20:12 What? Why did they arrest the four men who tried to stab Gulliver? What is the crime?
21:02 Why is this guy talking like his dialogue was reversed?
21:26 Um…hey, I can’t help but notice that you’re glowing in multiple colors.
22:37 Why the hell is this girl everywhere? Is she the princess? We’ve met her parents. OH! She’s the local doctor.
23:33 Why is she asking about Sepudra again? He already said he doesn’t know where he is.
24:10 Wait! I thought he was a giant. What is this giant door? And I thought he was chained up.
24:57 Can we please keep everyone with the same voice?
25:29 Oh no I’ve fallen over!
25:55 How have you read Shakespeare? You are a small person on an mysterious island!
26:34 Are they convincing him not to crush them to death by telling him riddles?
26:53 Oh shit here this lady goes on about Sepudra again. She won’t shut up about him.
27:50 HAHA! Everyone would be dead!
29:12 That guy that we couldn’t see was not at all excited to announce Gulliver to the king.
30:46 Oh, it sure was hilarious when that gun went off and destroyed one of our towers, killing dozens of people.
31:43 If he can hear people on the ground, why would they need the giant crane to lift the king up to Gulliver’s level?
32:59 What, if you have magic powerful enough to subdue Gulliver, why not use that to destroy Lilliput like you want?
34:19 How many meeting rooms do the king and his counsel have? Why would they waste so much time modeling each room for the same damn scene over and over?
35:31 Wait, it’s going too far to say he shouldn’t go into the city that is way too small for him anyway?
36:55 Fucking nonstop she’s been talking about Sepudra!
37:23 Wait, so the war is over shoe fashions? That’s very stupid.
37:45 What gun bolts? They don’t have guns! You showed them a gun and they had no idea what they were looking at.
39:00 Wait, he disobeyed a direct order to not go into town just so that he could draw a sketch of it? And where did he get a pen and sketchpad?
40:07 Wait what? I thought she was a doctor. What is she doing herding cattle?
40:36 Is she…flirting with him?
41:20 This soldier voiced by a bad R. Lee Ermey impersonator.
42:38 So…you convinced the emperor to waste his time with another dance sequence? How is that brilliant? Also fuck another dance.
43:19 Oh, you know, just dancing all by myself in the middle of a gigantic arena, a good 100 yards away from anyone so nobody can really see what I’m doing. No bigs.
44:46 When the hell did Gulliver sneak in here? Was he there the whole time?
45:29 Hey, evil guy with the talking horse is back! He sure is a pointless character.
45:53 The horses are in love with each other? And how was asking people to jump over a log “military tactics?”
47:22 Oh my god a line that sounds like it was written instead of translated through Babelfish. They told an actual joke.
49:02 Go, run and kill this guy as he leaves the cave! You can surely run down there in the next five minutes, it only seems to be ten miles away.
49:54 That was the most complicated murder plot I’ve ever heard. Why would you need to trick people into killing a person you have already imprisoned?
50:14 What wait? The emperor doesn’t know he’s left the cave? What about the scene in the arena, where the emperor was fucking there?
50:54 You guys remember the Matrix, right? Well, here’s our crappy second-long version of it.
52:24 I tell you, this Sepudra guy better be the life of the fucking party as often as they keep talking about him.
52:53 He has? When? I didn’t see that. They are going along with the plan even though Step 1 didn’t get completely properly?
54:32 He just said by sea! Like twice!
54:50 Did the emperor just jump sixty feet onto a horse? Was he in that much of a hurry?
56:20 That is the worst form for the front crawl I’ve ever seen. And why is he swimming to the other kingdom? I thought the other kingdom was coming to them.
57:27 Oh man, throwing meatballs at him isn’t going to work.
58:08 I am confused, is he attacking a bunch of ships or an island? Where was that fort in relation to everything else?
59:29 Wait, where are you guys going?! Your army was just commanded to kill Gulliver! Come back.
1:00:07 Um, yeah, they just said they would kill him. We were all there.
1:00:47 Oh motherfucker! We already had our crappy Matrix ripoff scene! You don’t get to do a second one.
1:01:41 What chaos? Twenty men standing around talking to each other?
1:02:31 Flying kick! Also, why are there children running around?
1:02:56 He had the power to summon a 80-foot fucking golem the entire goddamn time?
1:03:40 And it’s dead within seconds. That was totally worth doing.
1:04:45 They are getting married literally right there on the beach?
1:05:37 And Gulliver is going to smash the two emperors together like a little girl playing with Barbies.
1:06:29 You can throw him forty feet onto the ground below. That will take care of him pretty well.
1:06:56 Boy, it sure was incredible easy for us to make a 400-foot-tall ship so that the giant could sail away. It’s almost like it was ready the whole time.
1:07:40 They cast someone completely separately for the horse who said exactly one line?
Verdict: How the hell was that nominated for an Oscar? That was the shoddiest, laziest, most incomprehensible thing I’ve seen thus far. The plots made no sense, the motives were all over the board, there were way too many characters who all looked the same, it was just goddamn awful.
No comments:
Post a Comment