I was unaware that there were dolphins that exclusively surfed, or that surfing was something dolphins could do at all. I also didn’t know that Firestorm did voice acting work. I should also note that Netflix is sure I’m going to absolutely hate this movie. Just once I’d like them to be wrong in the opposite direction.
0:06 Dolphin Films. We do films about dolphins. Here’s one.
0:48 I was unaware that the creatures of the oceans had a lot of responsibilities besides eat and not die. I think you’re overstretching this metaphor.
1:24 Oh man guys, this is a story about a dreamer! He’s the only one who has ever thought for himself, ever! And he’s a dolphin!
2:03 Oooooh….barracuda!
2:30 Okay, hang on. They are going fishing, while being surrounded by fish that are unaware of their presence. Are there specific fish they want? Which creatures are sentient in this scenario?
3:30 Okay, how many more minutes do we have to watch this worst character ever?
4:40 Seriously, so many goddamn fish! Not bunched into schools or anything. Just goddamn everywhere!
5:53 You remind me of an animal that I should not even know about because I live in the ocean.
6:25 Oh, okay, dolphins do surf.
7:27 I’m going to assume that Daniel was severely beaten in the scene they forgot to put in the movie.
8:30 Huge Manta Ray!
10:12 The main character’s name is Daniel Alexander Dolphin. He is apparently being stalked by this manta ray.
10:45 Oh okay. Dick Dolphin is the pod’s leader. That’s why he’s bossing dudes around.
11:16 Many will continue making fun of you, because you suck.
11:57 Hey, guys. There’s a broken image of a swimming dolphin in the background.
12:12 That’s right. Hug it out with a manta ray. Just ignore the poison-filled stinger.
13:20 She’s on a mission to help others achieve things? Obviously we should regard her with suspicion!
14:22 Fart joke, take a drink.
14:40 JOKE’S OVER! Stop joking! You can stop now! Oh god.
16:10 Are you going to come out, kid? Because you picked the worst audience
18:02 Yes, the voice of the sea. I said that already. Stop asking redundant questions.
18:22 Also, if a disembodied voice just starts talking to you, don’t follow it. You have mental problems.
19:42 Today, one of us has broken the law. (pause for effect) It was that dolphin we all watched do something I told him not to do. Just so we’re clear.
20:20 What the? Giant devil fish with a maniacal laughter? That’s odd.
22:14 How did that squid do that? Do squids have cloaking devices?
22:35 How did the dolphin’s jaw drop?
23:27 This character is doing an impression of a character that I’ve purged from my memory because I hate this character.
25:32 I love when comic relief characters are asphyxiated.
26:28 How did a battery of barracuda sneak up on them?
28:09 Make up your mind. Can the squid breathe above water or can’t he?
29:13 This evil monster barracuda has got to be over 100 feet long. I don’t think they grow that big. I don’t think any carnivores do. What does this guy eat?
30:56 If the only thing your new character is going to do is scream and pass out, then he doesn’t need to be in the movie.
32:57 I kinda hope that the giant barracuda never shows up again and it’s just wacky fun for the rest of movie. Because that would be hilariously bad.
34:19 Wasn’t his dream to dick around and surf? Because that’s what he was planning to do.
35:05 Oh no a song.
35:45 Is this Daniel singing? Why is he singing about how great he is? I mean, besides because he’s a completely self-absorbed dick.
36:48 Go ahead and start the scene any time now, guys.
38:31 The animation team would like you to know that they worked really hard on creating this shell.
39:03 This octopus does not want to do this scene.
39:47 Solar eclipse. What you are talking about, it’s a solar eclipse. That should make for a big stupid conclusion.
40:40 It’s impolite to require oxygen to live?
41:32 First, dolphins can’t smell. Second, why would an above-ground chamber smell like jellyfish poop? Third, jellyfish poop?
43:04 Oh good, the movie wasn’t going to hold us in suspense about the whole eclipse subplot.
45:02 Ah, so the super shitty voice acting was in fact meant to be super shitty voice acting. Because he‘s actually lying about being sincere. (The acting still sucks though)
46:01 He defeated the evil octopus by swimming past it?
46:16 Alright, the rush through the closing door gag. This never gets old.
47:37 Did we miss the joke? Why are they laughing?
48:00 How did this fish get out of the purple shell? Also, didn’t we also have this character at the beginning of the movie? What is with the annoying children characters?
49:53 The blowfish flail around and whine like idiots, because they look like idiots.
50:32 Did they change the Octopus’s voice actor? What happened here? I mean, I know the first guy sucked, but…
51:32 Oh good another evil animal to thwart. It is a shark though, so that’s nice/stereotypical.
52:07 “I don’t fear what I don’t know.” But those are the best things to fear!
53:29 What in Lord’s name is the squid doing? Why is he trapping other fish in this rock formation?
54:27 Yes, try to convince the shark that he is not a horrible carnivore that he doesn’t need to eat.
55:58 What was the point of that scene? Besides to kill five minutes, I mean.
56:34 Oh hey, the barracuda is back. That’s too bad.
57:26 The random sunfish would like you to know the bad guy’s name is Lucius the Dreameater.
57:50 You like the sun? Do you like Fritos too? Oh man. Hey, are you holding?
58:32 I heard this story about this dolphin who will follow his dream, to fulfill some kinda destiny. It sure it convenient that everyone you talk to knows who you are and keeps prodding you along.
59:49 I’m beginning to think I’ll never find what I’m searching for, considering that I keep being told what to do by others and my “dream” is incredibly unspecific. I mean, if all I have to find is a wave, why don’t I hang out near the surface or something?
1:02:58 What? Is he being possessed by a ghost?
1:03:50 Oh…he was trying to eat his dream! If only we had at one point seen him do that to someone successfully, so we understand that it failed here.
1:04:10 We’re doing the “everyone comes together to help the hero“ scene now?
1:04:44 Wait, the shark has friends? Why was he complaining about not being able to talk to anyone then?
1:05:35 This guy used to be a dolphin? How did he become a horrible monster?
1:07:47 HOLY SHIT! The shark just ate the baby fish that I hated! I’m so happy.
1:08:18 OH FUCK YOU! I thought you were going to do something interesting just then, but no, just a shitty joke.
1:08:41 Stop it! Stop with the super dark “jokes”! Fake death isn’t funny.
1:09:42 Oh thank god the thing is tomorrow. When your quest is “wait for an eclipse,” things sure can drag.
1:10 44 Man that is a crapton of gold.
1:11:11 And now an extended gag where they try to eat money.
1:11:36 Yes, whale we just met two minutes ago, let’s move on from this unfunny gag.
1:12:21 The lady dolphin just showed up out of nowhere? No set-up at all?
1:13:06 Blech, that was a crap pick-up line.
1:14:29 Come! It is time to fulfill your unspecified destiny!
1:15:32 Was there just an earthquake? What’s with the tsunami-sized wave?
1:16:32 Ah, so his dream was to appear on a Lisa Frank poster. Now it all makes sense.
1:17:25 This looks like I’m playing a really crappy dolphin-based MMO. “Why do they always put the quest hubs so far apart?”
1:19:14 And he is struck by a lightning bolt. A lightning bolt of dreams!
1:19:36 Why does one of the fish sound like Henchman 24?
1:20:34 Yes, we must now part for no fucking reason, goodbye my friend.
1:20:58 And goodbye chick I’ve known for like a day and a half. Thanks for the dolphin sex.
1:22:00 Yes, everything is okay now. Let’s just gloss right over the whole exile thing and get this turd over with already.
Verdict: Oh man. I mean, the set-up did okay, but then they kept adding new characters who didn’t do anything, and resolved their actual interesting villain plot in a stupid way and 20 minutes before they decided to end the movie, and then everything fell to pieces, as the quality just dropped straight through the bucket. They could not do a single cohesive scene and nobody had a reasonable motive to do anything in the end. That was just no good at all. Some of the line readings were pretty funny in their awfulness though.
*The Dolphin is property of Dolphin Films.
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