LAST TIME: Simon throws the mother of all hissy fits, ripping roofs off cars, throwing dudes into churches, just being a petulant little jerk. Eventually some guy gets his arm ripped off, which…was kinda funny. Also, some guy speaking Latin dies for no reason.
Page 1, Panel 1: You were on the set of Flight of the Phoenix? (Man, way too early for a joke no one will get.)
Page 2, Panel 1: Everyone knows Killer Croc destroys random cars during rush hour traffic on Thursday. It was nice knowing you friend.
Page 2, Panel 4: This guy is fucking AMAZED that someone is putting a small modicum of effort into his job.
Page 3, Panel 3: Haha, how did he get his car to do that? It is nearly impossible to flip a sedan onto its hood.
Page 3, Panel 6: GUN PUNCH!
Page 4, Panel 4: Great code phrase, shithead. Was “We’re in” taken?
Page 5, Panel 2: Are they seriously adopting another cat for Simon? Really? This is a super hero comic, right?
Page 5, Panel 5: The text is smaller because she is whispering.
Page 6, Panel 1: Weird, the font of this random thrift shop’s sign is the same as the soap delivery truck from earlier. It’s almost as if the letterer is lazy.
Page 6, Panel 5: Wait…people in the DC universe know who Madame Xanadu is? People in the real world don’t know who Madame Xanadu is.
Page 7, Panel 3: Well, I guess, but I’m sure the owners of this store would appreciate you paying them for it. I mean, I’m just the delivery guy.
Page 7, Panel 6: This random thug is trying way too hard to establish an alibi.
Page 8, Panel 1: Yeah, that’s the face I’m making too, lady.
Page 8, Panel 4: Great work, thug. Now this guy thinks you are a creepy kidnapping rapist.
Page 9, Panel 2: Wait wait wait, you have thug make a huge scene that will ensure people remember him, and then plan to try and make the poor delivery guy’s death look like a traffic accident? That…won’t work.
Page 9, Panel 3: Haha, excellent callous rhyme, dickhead!
Page 10, Panel 4: SCIENCE!
Page 11, Panel 4: Oh yeah, that’s legitimately creepy. I didn’t know the pentagram from the cover was actually in the book.
Page 12, Panel 5: Oh crap the fire wasn’t supposed to be this big! Someone get an extinguisher!
Page 13, Panel 5: Really? The pentagram on the ground that formed your head was dark magic, you say?
Page 14, Panel 3: That’s a weird place for a book.
Page 14, Panel 6: Is this the same scene? Does Simon Dark know the mayor? Also, sure hope you succeed in killing him, murderers, otherwise you gave him a huge hint for no reason.
Page 15, Panel 1: Gah! The jump straight up trick! It gets us surrounding minions every time.
Page 15, Panel 5: Biff Pow Crunch
Page 16, Panel 5: Yes great bang, we get it.
Page 17, Panel 3: I guess Simon threw that guy at the other guy? I can’t fucking tell, how did you manage to make a comic book panel too dark?
Page 19, Panel 3: Wait wait wait, this was the plan?! Drop his truck off a into a goddamn ravine while spilling a bunch of scotch on him? Even though anyone who knows him probably realizes he’s not a drinker? There is no way this won’t look like foul play. You idiots aren’t even wearing gloves! This is the stupidest and most pointless murder plot ever!
Page 19, Panel 4: Yeah! The death of the innocent for no reason is totally rad dude!
Page 20, Panel 2: I’d…kinda be more concerned about the store cashier who called me at home to make sure I got there. That’s creepier than the thug from earlier.
Page 21, Panel 8: YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! THERE ARE DEMONS IN THE SOAP! That’s the huge plan! Demon soap! DEMON SOAP!
Page 22, Panel 1: Oh, and Simon knows something I guess.
Verdict: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my god that was the dumbest, greatest plot twist I’ve ever seen. Demon soap. So so so stupid. Also, I had assumed the entire issue that the poor delivery driver was the teen girl’s dad, but looking back he totally wasn’t, so…I guess I should feel bad that the secret society tried to kill him for no reason, instead of just…sabotaging the soap at some point without creating an obvious murder scene.
Anyway, I hated this book. Not for being bad, because it was mediocre at best, but for being pointless. We were never given a reason to care about Simon Dark, he’s just kind of “around,” his damage is not interesting and I can’t figure out why the hell he does what he does or why I should care. It’s not that enthralling of mystery, is what I’m saying. At least tie him to an existing Gotham character, otherwise you are actively wasting our time. Just publish with IDW or something so I can safely ignore it.
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