Rideback - Episode 4: "A Close Call for Shoko"

Oh no! Wait, which one is Shoko? Is he the guy with the glasses? Or the guy with no pupils? Or that third chubby guy? Or the stalker chick? Okay, I don’t know anyone’s name. Ever. In fact, I couldn’t tell you the name of the main character of ANY of the shows I’ve watched. The only name I still adequately remember is Dmitri, and that’s because his character was played by Harold.

LAST TIME: The big race was apparently right around the corner, and everyone raced. The ballerina did okay but crashed her loaner rideback, but apparently isn’t responsible for it because… Oh, and also some political intrigue, I don’t know.

Trouble #4

Hey I was wondering, you want to go see that new Twilight movie? Look, I know the answer is no but can we still go see the Twilight movie? Please? For me? Come on….

LAST TIME: May is a horrible person, and as punishment from god or some bullshit, she totally got knocked up. Of course, she knew this was a distinct possibility, but she still continued to slut it up, and it makes me feel bad that I dislike her character as much as I do. It’s not my fault that I dislike every decision she makes!

No Ordinary Family - Episode 6: "No Ordinary Visitors"

They are from outer space! And they have wacky powers! How will we keep that noisy neighbor from finding out? Stop snooping, Mrs. Kravitz!

LAST TIME: Some chick with earthquake powers bothers the family, but not that much, and they definitely don’t succeed in taking care of the problem at all. Also, the bad guys totally know who they are now, so that’s bad. Oh, and some idiot decides that not coming clean about a relationship he’s having with a student’s parent was wiser than keeping it super secret and endangering his career, because he’s an idiot.

Do They Know It's Christmas

Merry Christmas, dummies! As a special holiday snarklet, how about we all sit back and listen to one of my least favorite Christmas songs, “Do They Know It’s Christmas.” Oh man, the white guilt just dripping from this thing. It is delicious. So hit play, sit back, and let’s listen.

0:09 Who is “us“?

0:28 Imagine this line being sung by a guy holding a knife.

1:25 And urine! Don’t forget urine!

1:35 I didn’t know that African militia walked around with chimes of doom.

1:52 Which is probably good because that would make it worse.

2:15 Probably not? How would that affect things?

2:40 I’m really glad they started showing imagines of people doing something, because I was getting quite worried.

3:04 Ah yeah, the popular bright pink “Let’s Save Lives” shirts. Those were a classic.

3:27 In case you missed it, Feed the World.

3:57 Thanks guys, that’s really nice of you. Ending on an image of a corpse.

Verdict: That video is sadder than I thought it would be! I’m sorry everyone! Have a happy anyway!

Yes Virginia

Netflix Synopsis: Set in 1897, this animated holiday tale follows the efforts of plucky, 8-year-old Virginia as she crisscrosses New York City to discover whether there really is a Santa Claus. Her answer comes from an unlikely source -- a crusty newspaper editor.

Well that’s not a nice thing to say about the newspaper editor! It’s not his fault his profession isn’t glamorized by the public, it’s still very important, especially 100 years ago, when newspapers mattered. Also, what’s the over-under on another Macy’s plug?

Rideback - Episode 3: "And there's the flag"

Over there. Leaning against that building. You should go get it. There’s going to be a race or something.

LAST TIME: Our heroine is challenged to a really reasonable race, in which she has some troubles, but then does some goddamn motorbike ballet and it is beautiful. So, I guess she’s going onto regionals then.

Trouble #3

Oh my I’m chewing bubblegum! Isn’t that hot and sexy and do you want to buy me a drink? Please? I’m in between jobs right now, and I could really stand to be drunk right now…

LAST TIME: Ben and May totally do it! And then everyone acts like a dick, and then May cheats on her boyfriend for no reason whatsoever. Seriously, why? Because he wasn’t being a dick at that one particular moment? If it was that easy, I would be rolling in…um, never mind.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 5: "No Ordinary Quake"

Ah man, I don’t want to watch an earthquake plot. They always go exactly the same way. People acting normal, then there’s an earthquake, then they deal with it. Rarely entertaining, and usually a reminder of how goddamn terrifying earthquakes are.

LAST TIME: Tiberius tried to join the football team, while Pills tries to attend a party and got busted trying to buy alcohol despite looking 12. Also, I guess Chiklis was seen by some guy in the park? I don’t remember, it wasn’t that interesting.

Gotta Catch Santa Claus

Netflix Synopsis: Trevor is a true believer in the holiday spirit, so his skeptical best friend, Veronica, challenges him to track down Santa and show the world proof that he's real! William Shatner stars as the voice of Santa in this animated family adventure.

Really? William…Shatner will play…the role of…Santa Claus? Okay, there, got that out of my system. Also, Veronica sounds like a great friend. “Go on, track down and capture the very entity that almost everyone above the age of 12 knows doesn’t exist! I will crush your spirit!”

Rideback - Episode 2: "Challenge from Tamayo?! S.L.F.: Spread Legs Form"

Guh, what? Huh? What the hell is Spread Legs Form and how can it possibly not be referring to something sexual. I thought we were past this, anime. Also, that is a long and unwieldy title. Not easy to say at all.

LAST TIME: Some poor girl hurts herself doing ballet, and now she’s sad. But then she meets a cute boy robot, and they drive around and stuff. That’s…about it.

Trouble #2

Well…that’s a cute (and sexy) pic, but this story isn’t about lesbians. What is with the blonde? She is WAY into the other girl. And the other girl is way into you! Man, I think the entire newsstand is about to get laid.

LAST TIME: A couple of nice girls and a couple of rocking guys go to the Hamptons to work for the summer, and it’s hard work and all, but then they totally get laid! Can’t wait for this raucous event to be consequence-free!

No Ordinary Family - Episode 4: "No Ordinary Vigilante"

He…doesn’t get arrested or outed? Vigilantism is a hard business. I mean, Daredevil has been running from that game for like an entire decade now. Seriously, how does he keep on denying it? Matt Murdock is a hell of a lawyer.

LAST TIME: Darla got her ring stolen by some common thugs, and Chiklis spent the entire episode trying to get it back. Meanwhile, Tiberius pretends to be Jewish (hilarious), and everyone lies to everyone all the time.

The Alpha-Bots Christmas

Netflix Synopsis: Tiny tots will enjoy this lively animated film about 26 flying robots who prematurely pop out of their holiday gift wrapping to frolic about -- and thereby possibly ruin Santa's Christmas surprise for everyone. As they whiz through the air, these fun-loving droids introduce young viewers to the letters of the alphabet and also teach them valuable life lessons, such as the benefits of following instructions.

Because that’s what I want to learn about during the holidays: blindly following instructions. Also, do any of these robots look like letters to you?

Rideback - Episode 1: "The Crimson Iron Horse"

Time for Round 3. I’ve made a couple of decisions in choosing this time around. First off, no more ecchi bullshit. I need a break, and there’s only so many ways I can say, “This drawing of boobs was shocking to see.” Something with adventure or drama or something besides boobs. I also didn’t want to get locked in for half a year, keeping it as short as the others I‘ve done. After weighing my options, looking around, I figured a female protagonist is probably safe, and when it came down to it, that motorbike has arms. That’s a huge plus. So, Rideback.

NetFlix Synopsis: Based on a Japanese manga, this anime follows the adventures of a ballet dancer named Rin who gets injured but finds a new passion: racing motorbikes with the university's competitive Rideback club.

What else would it be based on?!

Trouble #1

Here we are! A comic universally reviled for being awful! The weirdest slice of pie from Marvel’s plate. A story aimed at the wrong audience at the wrong time, that just doesn’t seem to understand what it is up to. I’ve mentioned Trouble before, when I reviewed 15 Love (I liked the rest of those, by the way), as an attempt by the House of Ideas to branch out and tell stories that weren’t just about costumed heroes and their various trials. So…we have Aunt May getting knocked up. Really not sure how they got from point A to point B here. But…no reason to not just start reading.

SPECIAL NOTE: What the hell is up with the covers of this series? Who are these girls? They aren’t in the book. They don’t look like the comic characters. And they don’t make me want to read this book. It makes the book look like a Russian bride mail order catalog.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 3: "No Ordinary Ring"

It has…diamonds? Seriously, is this episode three? Come on guys, lead strong! More bad guys or whatever! Not more marital boredom!

LAST TIME: Darla doesn’t think it’s necessary to follow the rules that she establishes, and the school district has a complete bitch on the PTA. Also, the kids still won’t tell the parents they have superpowers, and an interesting ethnic person died.

The Nuttiest Nutcracker

OH BROTHER! Is it December already? Because that means only one damn thing, Chirstmas movies. An endless stupid parade of computer-generated Christmas movies, churned out to fill a need that nobody actually had. So let’s watch some, shall we, loveys? Have I called you loveys before? I’m sorry. Won’t happen again.

Netflix Synopsis: A fun-filled adventure for the whole family, The Nuttiest Nutcracker is a star-studded computer-animated movie that lends a madcap twist to the cherished Nutcracker tale - all gone nuts!

So…legumes then. Just straight up legumes, all the time. Also, Jim Belushi is not a star, no matter how much you try to convince me!

Demon King Daimao - Episode 12: "The Perfect Ending?"

NO.

LAST TIME: Oh no BUT WAIT oh no BUT WAIT oh no BUT WAIT over and over and over again. Seriously, I hope you hate resolution, because here comes someone else to prevent anything interesting from concluding at all. Let’s finish this. Demon versus God, apparently.