No Ordinary Family - Episode 1: "Pilot"

Okay! Where to now? What miraculous failure of a show do we move onto next? Maybe one in which they shamelessly rip off the Incredibles, which itself was shamelessly ripping off the Fantastic Four? I think that’s a good idea, self. Let’s move on to No Ordinary Family, which has the most annoying episode naming convention since Friends. Seriously, starting every episode name with “No Ordinary”? It just makes it really difficult to tell what episode is which. But first the pilot, which is boringly named Pilot! Not “No Ordinary Pilot,” which would have been just fine! Jeez!

0:03 Ug, this is the roughest start I have ever seen.

0:33 Oh damn the daughter sweared!

0:51 What scene from Iron Man? How do you transition from Twister to Iron Man?

1:40 Damn Chiklis is being extremely annoying.

2:25 I do not recall having to wear life vests when I went on Space Mountain.

3:10 Well, I’m glad they got to the cosmic ray accident, I mean…plane crash really quickly.

3:40 What…other kinds of scientist are there? I’m pretty sure most scientists are research scientists, whatever that means.

4:42 You dicks! You don’t count the pilot among “all?” Poor guy had to die for your stupid superpowers.

5:29 Yeah, yeah you did survive a plane crash. Thanks for not acting differently at all, otherwise I might have thought you were not extremely shallow people.

6:16 Michael Chiklis as a painter!? That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

7:06 Oh of course Chiklis is working in the police department. Has he ever had another role? I mean besides the Thing, so technically he is playing both of his only two roles here?

8:11 Chiklis is concerned that the thug has managed to pull a gun from a fellow officer.

8:58 That was clever, opener. I thought for a second the show was called “Ordinary Family” but then that “No” showed up!

10:27 Oh families have such a hard time connecting, according to every family on television.

11:32 Oh…one of those Antitrust walls. Those are really popular in the fake future.

11:49 Shut the hell up, jackass Asian guy.

12:37 Wait, he buys out the entire pitching cage and he still has to pay for his balls?

13:21 I was kinda hoping this would be a montage of Chiklis taking a ton of baseballs to the face, but instead he’s just catching them. Boring.

14:37 It has been fifteen minutes and I still have no clue what kind of scientist Darla is. Something to do with plants? (By the way, I’m going with Darla for the female lead instead of whatever-her-name was in Dexter, because it’s nerdier.)

15:59 He had to let us know he’s a DA so that we knew that he knows what murder is according to the law.

16:52 HOHO! He accidentally shot himself! That’s hilarious!

17:16 Oh…a lady with speed powers. I’m intrigued.

17:48 Hey! You got to pay for that, lady! Maybe wear a coat without buckles when you are running at superspeed!

18:40 Wait hey really? Maybe find out if you’re able to fly or super jump somewhere other than on top of a building?

19:34 Oh he does have a super jump, he just needed to fail spectacularly first. Fine.

20:06 I already love this secondary female character! Thank you for existing, lady.

20:35 Oh sweet, she’s a fan of the X-Men! And she has a Kitty Pride figurine with that stupid wyvern!

21:58 So…are they going to address that she causes huge wind disturbances every time she runs? How are people just not noticing this?

22:45 So…Chiklis has Superman’s power to the dot? Didn’t we already mention a Marvel character? Who sues who?

24:19 Could you stop talking in double entrendres please?

25:26 If I were Obama, I would be pissed that criminals with masks of my face were the bad guys of this first episode.

26:37 He was driving with the mask on? Wouldn't that be insanely difficult?

27:38 YES! Why is he not at the hospital?

28:02 That is the second time she’s used her superspeed to just grab something from the other room. Maybe just use your power without grabbing something?

29:01 She usually talks about her lady problems with her father? In what universe?

29:39 Daughter is a mind reader. It’s an easy power that doesn’t require any special effects.

30:54 Well…if she’s telepathic, you don’t have to talk about it. You can just think about it! (See what I did there?)

32:42 I’m a douchebag cop, I have a gun.

34:19 Question one: Why is there art in the hallway of your apartment building? How high can your rent possibly be?

35:58 Well…one of those things can be solved rather easily. Not that I’m suggesting a high school girl just sleep with some random loser but…

36:31 When did he knock her unconscious?

36:55 Oh no the bad guy is a nightcrawler! Exactly how many people could have crashlanded in that random lake in South America?

38:18 They have a second living room outside on their porch. That’s a weird thing to have.

38:59 What? You can’t make he promise not to fight crime! What the hell kind of series will this be if they don’t fight crime?

39:45 And the son with a learning disability has math powers, apparently? So…it’s a greatest weakness is your strength kinda thing.

40:34 The phrase “lair with wifi” is stupid enough to saw once, much less twice.

41:04 Oh I was wondering who they were talking to. Apparently it was a couples therapist, who missed the part where they confessed to having superpowers.

42:14 Am I supposed to recognize the arc bad guy? Because he looks like an old guy to me.


Verdict: Well that was competent. It definitely set up the world and how it works and all the dumb things that are likely to happen. While I don't believe Michael Chiklis's character at all, I guess they have to give him some reason to be a vigilante. Failed artist though? Just...bizarre.